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How to get over fear of divorce

(11 Posts)
textingdisaster Sun 16-Nov-14 00:12:33

Have 3 dc - 8, 10 and almost 13. As far as I can tell h and I really need to separate but I am terrified of taking this step. One of the stumbling blocks is that it feels like knowingly electing to spend time apart from my kids (hopefully not more than 50% and already not seeing them half the time is a frightening thought). Which in turn feels like abandonment of them confused sad.

I don't know how to get past this and it (and other fears connected to divorce) goes round and round in my head on an endless loop.

textingdisaster Sun 16-Nov-14 00:16:41

So I was wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom or advice. Other fears are the thought of my h totally cutting me off, fighting over property etc..., my 13 r old possibly choosing to live with h. The weirdest fear of all is that I might regret my decision confused.

textingdisaster Sun 16-Nov-14 00:19:15

Thought of some more fears: having an awful co-parenting relationship, something awful happening to my dc because of the instability....

PurpleWithRed Sun 16-Nov-14 00:21:58

Why do you need to separate? Could you carry on as you are for another 15 years?

Funnyfishface Sun 16-Nov-14 00:22:11

Hi why do you need to separate - what has happened

textingdisaster Sun 16-Nov-14 00:32:41

We have what is essentially a non-relationship or loveless marriage which I have agonised over for years already. It's difficult to be with someone whom you assume doesn't love you (due to their regular rudeness/unkindness, and the fact that they are never verbally or physically affectionate).

Plus I feel I am not being honest with anyone, least of all the dc sad.

textingdisaster Sun 16-Nov-14 08:38:23

No I couldn't carry on like this for another 15 years. Another thing which scares me is the fact that h has been getting some weird memory loss symptoms but doesn't want to go to the gp about it (which I have suggested a few times). This is going to sound heartless, but if we were to separate I worry that these for now isolated symptoms might become something serious and my dc would be spending some of their week in an unsafe environment if he started to forget things like turning the gas off after cooking. He might be in complete denial about stuff and as children they would be powerless to deal with it. All a bit of a weird stretch I know.

Hesaysshewaffles Sun 16-Nov-14 08:49:29

It's natural to feel that way. I felt that I mourned our marriage failing rather than mourned him not being in my life. We split for a reason in that he had an affair so part of my decision I separate was made for me. I wanted the divorce because it gave me closure. I'd been separated for a year before I filed for it. My fears were more around hurting my ex when filing!

Your children are older than mine so if I were you. I'd try some counselling together/on your own as that should give you some clarity.

Joysmum Sun 16-Nov-14 08:53:12

What's worse, staying with him until death do you part or divorcing?

There's never a good time, but doing this before your eldest's options is certainly going to be better.

Snoozybird Sun 16-Nov-14 09:35:32

You say you've not been honest with the DCs - would you say they are happy with their home life as it is at the moment? If they are "blissfully" unaware of what's going on between you and their dad then is there anything you or DH can do to address the issues in your relationship e.g. counselling?

If however your DCs are already unhappy or your DH won't cooperate in rebuilding your relationship with you (which is something you shouldn't/wouldn't be able to hide from them long-term) I think you need to put your children first, and by that I mean that if they are seeing their father treat their mother in a rude and unkind way, or living in an atmosphere, then it would probably be in their long-term best interests to spend a bit less time with a happier mum than all of their time with an unhappy one.

Courts like the status quo to be maintained for kids as much as possible therefore if you do most of their care now then chances are you would still be the one doing most of the care for the younger two after you and DH separate. However your 13yo is old enough to have his wishes taken into account so if he does decide to live with his dad, be prepared for that possibility. Why do you think he might make want to make that choice?

If you have legitimate health/safety concerns with your DH's ability to care for your DCs in a safe way then this can be got round with supervised access etc. As it is there's nothing to stop your DH accidentally leaving the gas on while he's sharing your home with you now so I wouldn't use that as a reason not to consider separating.

Make no mistake though, even the most amicable of divorces is not easy by any stretch. It doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do, but be aware that life will be different and you need to be proactive in doing all you can to make life better overall for you and your DCs i.e don't get divorced then mope around being resentful or bitter about how unfair it all is - it wouldn't be fair on your DC to be turning their lives upside down for the sake of you swapping one type of unhappiness for another.

Arlagirl Sun 16-Nov-14 10:08:12

Currently going through this but with older dcs. Its scary but I can't face 25 more years of being with someone I don't love.

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