Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why do some men suddenly go cold after three months?

(241 Posts)
dontcallmehon22 Sat 15-Nov-14 16:21:07

I've had two three month short relationships this year. Both with men who declared love very early on, were very very intense and passionate etc etc. Both dumped me after three months exactly. They both suddenly turned their feelings off like a light switch.

Guy two really hurt me. He'd introduced me to his family and friends, told me he'd never hurt me, bought me gifts, planned days out, cooked for me, talked about the future etc. He knew about guy one and told me to trust him, I was too important to him. He thought about me all the time. Thought about what our future would look like all the time. Then suddenly it's over and he disappears from my life. Just like that. No emotion. No explanation. He seemed to go off me a week before it happened, didn't seem as affectionate/complimentary.

I just don't understand it. I'm questioning what is wrong with me. My self esteem is at rock bottom right now.

Ihatechoosingausername Sat 15-Nov-14 16:32:24

He was saying 'all the right words' to get you to sleep with him a lot (that's if you were, I'm just assuming). Now he might be doing it someone else.

Nothing's wrong with you!

Cantbelievethisishappening Sat 15-Nov-14 16:34:58

He'd introduced me to his family and friends, told me he'd never hurt me, bought me gifts, planned days out, cooked for me, talked about the future etc.

There's your answer.

dontcallmehon22 Sat 15-Nov-14 16:36:59

It's so cruel. He even invited me over for christmas.

I don't understand cant?

TheAwfulDaughter Sat 15-Nov-14 16:38:06

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dirtybadger Sat 15-Nov-14 16:38:07

Nothing wrong with you, bar not being able to detect a bullshitter.

The intensity you talk about after less than 3 months (in both cases) is a red flag IMO. Keep that in mind in future. Things were moving far too quickly and were probably unsustainable.

Best case scenario he realised this and freaked out. He was wrong to give you no communication about that, though, if that's the case. Plus it is as much his doing (the rushing) as yours!

Unfortunately just as likely a scenario, I think, is that he was intense knowingly because that's what "women want" (to be told you love them, showered with gifts, etc).

Be skeptical of people who aren't skeptical, at least a little bit!

dontcallmehon22 Sat 15-Nov-14 16:40:54

I kept trying to tell him to slow down. I think he enjoyed the pursuit. He'd had a string of short relationships and a former 'sex addiction' (his words). Very good looking, utterly charming and articulate. Treated me like a princess. I seem to attract or be attracted to these types. He even (well both of these men) talked about having a baby with me.

Ihatechoosingausername Sat 15-Nov-14 16:42:21

dontcallmehon22 It's cruel yes but on the flip side you now know what type of guys to avoid. Bad experience is still experience and it can be used to make more informed choices in the future

dontcallmehon22 Sat 15-Nov-14 16:44:10

A month after I met him, I was his plus one at his friend's wedding. I signed the wedding card from both of us. One, in a bar, he referred to me as his 'partner.'

dontcallmehon22 Sat 15-Nov-14 16:46:47

It's almost as if it was a game, to get me to fall in love with him. He once sent me a text that said 'It's you. I've found you.' I lapped it all up of course.

When I stepped out of line - like getting drunk once in front of his friends and really embarrassing him, he was very angry and his feelings started to change quite quickly.

Cantbelievethisishappening Sat 15-Nov-14 16:47:07

Lucky escape IMO
Now rather than being miserable about it and wondering what is wrong with you sort your radar out. You have already identified a possible pattern in the types of bikes you attract/are attracted to.

Cantbelievethisishappening Sat 15-Nov-14 16:47:32

blokes not bikes

Ihatechoosingausername Sat 15-Nov-14 16:48:03

If he's had a string of short relationships and a sex addiction, his family/friends are going to be used to seeing women enter and exit his life all the time so they won't be taking it all very seriously either.

dontcallmehon22 Sat 15-Nov-14 16:48:29

Yes you're right cant . I am very attracted to these types. I need to address that. I won't be dating again until I have.

talbotinthesky Sat 15-Nov-14 16:48:32

Baby talk within 3 months!!!!! Did they bring it up or you? That would have me running for the hills shock

Ihatechoosingausername Sat 15-Nov-14 16:49:08

When you stepped 'out of line'?? You're a person not a pet!

Cantbelievethisishappening Sat 15-Nov-14 16:49:09

TBH you sound a bit dramarama and incredibly naive.

dontcallmehon22 Sat 15-Nov-14 16:51:26

That's true Ihate. But he made me feel special. He'd do silly things for me, like once buying me a personalised coke bottle (as my name is so unusual you can't buy them). He was married once, but he cheated on her.

He was incredibly romantic - booking little surprises, taking me to the seaside, finding little quirky hotels for us. Every week was something different. Then he said he'd love me to spend Christmas with him. So I'm totally bewildered.

dontcallmehon22 Sat 15-Nov-14 16:52:42

They brought it up. But I liked it.

That maybe cant but no need to be so harsh, I'm feeling pretty awful. And I am trying to work out why this keeps happening. I do recognise it's not right.

Nillia Sat 15-Nov-14 16:54:22

Many men (not all) do love the chase. They can give you the world and fall madly in love (lust) but is not generally real and disappears at about the 3/4 month mark. They are not always bad men though. Make sure you do not be drawn into this and don't see them as often as they want. Hold back and don't give them everything. Keep seeing friends and going out alone and being independent. After three months if they are still with you then they tend to genuinely be interested in a longer relationship. That is my experience anyway. Texting also creates a too intense relationship that is not "real" in the early days. Try to limit texting to only when necessary. If they want to talk to you let them pick up the phone.

KellyElly Sat 15-Nov-14 16:54:46

Maybe they are users, maybe it was all just too intense too soon and they got cold feet. Someone always gets hurt when a relationship ends, but if someone doesn't want to be with you any more for whatever reason, it's better it finishes than you being strung along. Perhaps take the lead from now on in the pace in which future relationships progress and if it feels too intense and like everything is moving too fast them take a step back and go at your own pace rather than theirs.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt Sat 15-Nov-14 16:56:02

Yep, been there done that. Even down to the personalised Coke bottle!

Then he suddenly turned curt, short texts, only responding to direct questions. Utterly bewildering. What I realised was that you cannot figure this kind of man out, and you'll never get a straight answer.

The Baggage Reclaim blog was helpful to me at this time.
This might be a good place for you to start reading:

dontcallmehon22 Sat 15-Nov-14 16:57:24

OMG Gilbert - clearly the personalised coke bottle is a massive red flag. TBH, he was too good. He'd clearly done it before.

Artandco Sat 15-Nov-14 16:57:24

It's seems very fast! As an idea at the 3 month stage dh and I were still at hand holding/ kissing stage. Hadn't discussed marriage/ kids/ future.

Nillia Sat 15-Nov-14 16:59:19

They are not always faking a future though, they genuinely feel "in love" but its all too much too soon and of course not real. When they get to know the real you and not the version they have created in their heads then they can cool off as you are not what or who they thought.
That's why generally getting to know someone slowly is the best way.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: