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Mil and poa

(4 Posts)
rippling Sat 15-Nov-14 15:00:42

Nc for this, but need help.
Mil has had dementia for several years, was a complete PIA before that, but you really wouldn't wish this on your worst enemy.
She lives near Sil and her DH. All 4 of us have POA, me very reluctantly as I have never had a good relationship with her, but I was overruled by Sil, and my DH, and I gave in for an easy life.
My Ds recently told me that his cousin had been given a Mac computer for his birthday by his gran ( my mil). I said that couldn't be right as gran couldn't make decisions like that now and asked my DH. Apparently my mil did give my nephew a Mac for his birthday. Just to be clear the most a grandchild has had for birthdays is £20, and even that has been patchy due to the dementia
are my concerns regarding my Sil use of my mils money valid, or am I being unreasonable as my DH thinks.

Jbck Sat 15-Nov-14 15:06:26

Nope YANBU, wouldn't have thought POA was there to buy your own children expensive birthday presents.

Depends on her level of dementia maybe she wants to see grandchildren enjoying her gifts but seems it's either because she no longer has concept of cost or she doesn't know anything about it.

dunfightin Sat 15-Nov-14 15:19:12

If the POA is registered at Court of Protection - which it should be now that MiL is incapable of managing her own affairs, then accounts have to be done and submitted each year. You will all be responsible and have to sign for them.
Forms are reasonably detailed. Also MiL's bank account will have to be altered to reflect status and all deputies ought to get bank statements sent to them so you can check. It's a PIA as lots of banks not hot on regulations.
Not sure if there are set limits re gifts, but there is a notion of reasonable amounts i.e. if your MiL bought everyone a cruise then that would be questioned as it's disposable of assets that would likely affect tax or ability to pay for a nursing home.
Fwiw Dsis and I sat down and worked out amounts that DM would "gift" all family members for birthdays/xmas - it was small amount as reflected her income from pensions. DSs got the same and adults an extra £5. Not equally numbers on each side but it's what she would have done. We did buy a few expensive items for her i.e. new telly/good wheelchair but had to keep receipts.
Also if queries Court can send lay advisers and sometimes do it anyway as a check up.
Don't let it fester as shared POA demands a lot of trust. Dsis and I had some spectacular arguments about caring for DM (not the money but other decisions) but it also brought us closer too as we had to work together.

DoTheStrand Sat 15-Nov-14 15:22:07

I have POA for my mum and so do those of my siblings who live in the uk. With her we are more on the lookout for her being targeted by scammers etc as she's vulnerable. I find there being a few of us with POA useful as we email / liaise about what we're doing for her a lot so it's all open. However if you're concerned could you (or your DH as it's his family) instigate a catch-up / meeting say 4 times a year of all of you with POA to go over your MIL's financial situation? Just knowing that this was happening would probably put off anyone using her money for their own ends (though as has been said maybe she just wanted to treat them or is in a 'can't take it with you' mood).

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