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Confused, why aren't I taking the chance to escape now I have it?

(15 Posts)
WinterGloves Sat 15-Nov-14 14:11:52

I've known for years that the father of my (youngest) children is emotional abusive. He is an angry man, threatening, miserable, he's like a black hole sucking the happiness from any situation, he has no sense of humour, he is unpleasant to my older children, they can't stand him. He openly says that he dislikes them. He seems to hate me, he is verbally abusive. He's a liar, he drinks every night until the small hours. You get the picture.

He makes me miserable. I've dreamt of being free from him. I've decided over and over in my head that I'm telling him to leave, that enough is enough. Every morning when I've woken up and come downstairs to find him sleeping on the sofa like a stinking slug I've told myself that I hate him.

And now, after wanting it for so long, I've done it. Two weeks ago we argued, not like we usually do, with him making threats and me going up to be to avoid him, but via text, he didn't come home one night and I text him at 5am asking where he was, he replied saying 'why do you care' so I told him that I didn't so he might as well get his stuff out of the house and stay away. So he did, by the time I got home later in the evening most of his things were gone.

Since then he has seen the DC most days, he works nights so has been come to do the morning school run. He's been polite but not pleasant, civil, etc. We haven't talked about any of it and he is staying with his parents. Although he hasn't told them why, they assume it's because he's on nights and needs to sleep. I only know this as his mother has mentioned it when coming to pick the DC up.

I should be over the moon, I'm nod upset at all, I haven't been moping around. I don't think I love him but it's me that's saying stupid things when he's text to see how the DC are, I suggested going for lunch at the weekend - he replied that I was fucked up after asking after telling him to leave. I've asked how he is and whether he's managing to sleep ok - he's replied telling me to stop pretending that I care. We exchange texts about the DC but nothing relevant to our situation. If I've mentioned that they need something then the money is in my account a few hours later. It's confusing me and I don't know why. This is exactly what I wanted. I should be jumping for joy, but in my head I actually believe the story that he's staying with his parents for work reasons, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What's wrong with me? Why do I know that if he wanted to talk about it, that I would be talking about compromises, about living separately but staying a couple, making excuses and giving chances, minimising the things he does - he treats me like dirt! I don't understand my mindset.

Quitelikely Sat 15-Nov-14 14:28:22

He doesn't treat you like dirt he abuses you and your children. He openly tells your children that he doesn't like them? Yet, you, their mother let this man continue in this vein.

Please, stop and think. Do not let this abuser back into your childrens home. He is a nasty piece of work and a terrible role model to your children who will be scarred by the experience of being told he doesn't like them.

He's no man. He's a bully.

AnyFucker Sat 15-Nov-14 14:30:44

What QL said

Google codependency, love

BrowersBlues Sat 15-Nov-14 14:36:08

Winter, denial is a very real thing and I think that is what you are experiencing. Try to see your doctor who might be able to help you. In the meantime speak to your older children. Ask them how they are feeling. Perhaps hearing how they feel about him will help jolt you into reality. They are probably very relieved that he is gone.

You and your children are so much better off without him. You are all being abused by him. Sometimes in order to protect ourselves against abuse we kid ourselves that it isnt that bad. Its a survival technique.

Please ring Women's Aid and ask for an appointment to see someone. They will have seen your situation a million times and will recognise that you are being abused.

Everyone reading your post will recognise that you are being abused. It just needs to sink into your head. You are being abused and you are very lucky that he has left. Don't invite him back because apart from the harm you will do to yourself you will harm your children even more. If you can't do it for yourself do it for your children until it sinks in.

I have been there and got out and know denial played a massive part. I wish you well, you deserve far better. Good luk

Mom2K Sat 15-Nov-14 15:55:31

This is my first post here on mumsnet...but I've been reading for a while and wanted to comment because I feel like I can relate. I split from my H in October...and I know it was the right thing as he's a horrible excuse of a husband/father. Porn addicted/pregnant fettish mysoginist (who gas lights and stonewalls) made contact with ex-girlfriends, crossed boundaries with other women when travelling for work (but claiming to not have gone all the way - yeah right), found on dating sites pretending to be a single father with a picture of our (then) infant son. You get the picture. I was with him for 8.5 years - we have two kids...ages 8 & 6

I'll never take him back. Ever. And most of the time I feel happy that I have finally made him leave, but I still have my moments of feeling down. I think it's more to do with losing the hope I had for the future, the possibility of him changing and being the person I needed him to be, rather than actually missing him. I suspect that's where you're at. You know he's horrible, you know he doesn't care for you or the children...but it's hard to let go of the vision you had for your family, even though it is never going to happen.

Try to stop texting him about anything other than the children - his responses show what you know anyway. He doesn't care or have any respect for you. You deserve better - just let him go and focus on a brighter future without him.

WinterGloves Sat 15-Nov-14 15:59:24

Thank you.

He hasn't been around my older children, other than the odd hour, for about 18 months. I didn't allow it and he didn't want to be around them anyway. He would leave for work before they were up and not come back until they were asleep in bed, and that was only to change his clothes before heading out again. But, it still affected them as sometimes I would be rushing them off to bed as it approached 9pm, or not allowing their toys to stay in the living room, or taking the blame for something getting broken instead of saying the truth, which would be that one of the DC accidentally broke it. They would hear me saying to the toddler 'look what silly mummy has done' so that when they repeated it they wouldn't be dropping their sibling in it, and they must have realised why.

I think it must be denial. The intelligent, logical part of me knows the facts, I even know that I'm not in love with him, but another part of me just refuses to accept it and I can't see any different way of life. It's inbuilt in me now, I worry about what he will say at things, to hope that one of the DCs friend won't knock the door because he hated the reminder that I even had children, to justify everything I do. It's totally changed my personality. His family know what he's like and they justify it too, they tell me that I should be tidier, that it's difficult for him, that he's stressed or tired because of work, and it makes it easy to excuse his behaviour but I know that it's all wrong, I just don't know how to make my own head believe it.

I will google co-dependency and have a read of the links. I've been reading MN long enough to know what I should be doing and luckily I don't have any financial ties to him (he refused a joint bank account because he didn't want my children benefitting from his money). Written down it sounds awful (because it is!) but it's just been easier to have two seperate lives, two families, instead of facing facts. Easier, but not right.

I know that I don't want him back, that I don't want things to be back to how they were, that nothing will work because he's an emotionally abusive controlling arse hole. I just wobble at the thought of that final line being drawn.

WinterGloves Sat 15-Nov-14 16:41:58

I feel quite sorry for him to in a way, he obviously can't stand me, he doesn't like me and doesn't love me but he's worried that I will keep the DC from him. I saw a text that said as much about this time last year, he was only here for them. I personally don't think he's a good father (seeing as how he speaks to me in front of them) but he constantly gets paranoid that I'm saying he's a bad father, that I'm taking his children, etc. There has been no affection of any sort for about 18 months, we haven't shared a bed or a room even in over a year.

Maybe he's realised that I won't be keeping our children from him as over the last two weeks he has seen them when he's wanted too, hopefully he has realised that he doesn't have to be here and will leave me alone.

But saying that, is me making it his choice whether to be here or not, as if im a passive spectator in my own life! Which is why I'm going to sign up to do the freedom programme. To untwist my way of thinking. I'm also committing to having no relationships, casual or otherwise for at least two years (although I can't see myself ever wanting to be with anyone to be honest). I just read a thread about a little girl, murdered by her mothers boyfriend and it's hit home. That could've been me, or my children.

AnyFucker Sat 15-Nov-14 16:57:29

That is great advice mom2k

Mom2K Sat 15-Nov-14 19:59:12

Thanks Any - that means a lot. I've always found myself nodding along with advice you've given on similar threads. Your thoughts are always spot on smile

BOFster Sat 15-Nov-14 20:03:28

Yes, fab first post, Mom2K. Spot on.

we can talk about your username later grin

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sat 15-Nov-14 20:58:46

He hasn't seen your older kids for a year and a half?
That's mind boggling dysfunctional, and extremely harmful for all the children.

WinterGloves Sat 15-Nov-14 21:22:09

I'm glad things are better for you Mom2K smile

I thought I was doing the right thing, keeping them separate, but of course I wasn't. I thought that given time etc etc and I was scared to actually tell him to leave after threats had been made - that he would have someone run me over, that he would gas us all etc, not because he wanted me, but because he wanted to be here with his DC. I didn't actually believe he would, but a part of me was still scared. He is just so unpleasant, he doesn't even use my DCs names, if he was texting to see if they were asleep so he would come home he would ask if the brats were in bed. Or if he was in a really bad mood, the little bastards. I hate him, I hate him for twisting my mind, and I hate myself for minimising and accepting it. I tried to make up for it in other ways, by having a good time with the DC and making things nice for them but still, it's not good enough. I should've left him the first time he was negative about them. I feel very guilty. He would go on and on about how they didn't respect him. I can't make up for it, or undo it sad

I had a moment earlier when I knew he would be in the pub and I felt jealous, jealous about who he might be with, or what he might be doing, and I felt sad that he wouldn't be coming home, before I realised that split up or not, he would be doing the exact same thing anyway. I just wish I could snap my mind out of the pattern that it's in. I don't want him here, I want a better life for my DC, I want to not be called a fat c*nt everyday, or to be poked and pinched, glared at, told to shut up when I speak. I didn't realise how much damage this sort of stuff does to someone, because he believes he's right and I'm worthless, I believe it too.

I don't even know what sort of music I like anymore, I just automatically liked what he liked. I don't know how I want to dress or what suits me, I have no hobbies, no friends, no life that's seperate from his. I don't know who I am anymore. I was once the bubbly, popular, pretty, take no shit type person.

DeriArms Sat 15-Nov-14 21:32:04

No new advice from me (it has already been given by other posters above who have been in situations similar to yours) but flowers for how you are feeling right now, and kudos to you for signing up for the Freedom programme. You won't always feel like this and it will get better - so, so much better.
When you are missing him, try and take the perspective that you're mourning and grieving the way you wish things had been, not the way things actually were.....there is no reason why you couldn't have that at some point in the future although I think you're so wise to think that a new relationship wouldn't be the way to go for a good while at least. You need to reacquaint yourself with yourself, iyswim.

WinterGloves Sat 15-Nov-14 21:43:56

Thank you. I've read a lot on here about the Freedom Programme so I have high hopes for it! The stupid thing is, I don't miss him! My house is peaceful, tidy, I'm not dreading him coming home... It's so much nicer. It's like having a nagging toddler pulling at my leg whilst I'm trying to concentrate on something, that's the only way I can describe the nagging doubts and impulse to do as I'm told and apologise to him that keep jumping up and down in the back of my mind, I have to deliberately push them away and ignore them.

WinterGloves Sat 15-Nov-14 21:46:36

I don't even miss the 'good times' as I don't remember the last time we had a good time! Possibly January 2012, everything was lovely, he was being great, we were spending time together, he proposed... Until I found out that it was all because he had been sex texting some woman and she was threatening to forward them on to me! shock

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