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dh chcheated

(58 Posts)
princesscallie Sat 15-Nov-14 12:31:24

My dh has just informed me that earlier in the summer he went out got drunk and kissed another woman. Things progressed and she went down on him. He said he pushed her off then and has felt terrible about it since. He has lost alot of weight in the months following this but i thought it was due to work stress.

Can anyone tell me what i need to do?? Feel numb amd shocked by the whole thing. I must add that at the time it happened we werent getting along very well but relationship has improved hugely in past couple of months.

Vivacia Sat 15-Nov-14 12:35:02

Ask him to pack his bags and leave in order to give you some time and space to think.

(Whilst he's gone he can consider taking some responsibility for his actions too).

TooMuchCantBreathe Sat 15-Nov-14 12:39:11

Get yourself some space to think this through and someone you trust to talk to if possible. He's known months, you need time too. Fwiw I think deciding to tell you because he feels bad and wants you to forgive him so he can stop feeling guilty is pretty crappy.

Only you can decide where you go from here so take as much time as you need and take care of yourself.

Ihatechoosingausername Sat 15-Nov-14 12:46:06

Why has he only told you this now? Did it come out in an argument?

QuintsPlumpuddingInAStew Sat 15-Nov-14 12:48:53

Consider that he will only tell you the bare minimum of what he thinks he can get away with, but at the same time get an "ok" from you, while he gets to relieve his conscience.

Tell him to leave and get some space while you figure out what you want.

Do you have children?

magoria Sat 15-Nov-14 12:52:27

As others ask why has he told you this now?

Was there more someone is threatening to tell so he has told the bare minimum in preparation?

Did he just want his bad feeling and guilt to go away even if that meant you hurt?

I think you need to get to a STI clinic for a full check up.

If he can go elsewhere for a week or two it will give you time to process your feelings without his sorry and sadness in your face distracting you from your feelings.

A visit to a solicitor to know where you stand may help. You may never use the knowledge but it is one less thing to worry about.

Do not be scared or ashamed to tell friends and lean on them. Or the GP if you cannot cope at work for a few days.

Take your time and look after yourself right now.

princesscallie Sat 15-Nov-14 12:53:50

No it didnt come out in an argument. He just broke down the other nite when we were going to bed. He said he feels so bad and that he had even thought about suicide since it happened.

I didnt no what to say really and at first thought it might be a sick joke but unfortunately not.

We have had a rough year and only in the last 2 months things are starting to get back on track but now I'm really confused. I do love him and we have a beautiful baby who thinks the world of him.

I dont think i could live with the judgemental parents if i asked him to leave as too many people would then know about it

QuintsPlumpuddingInAStew Sat 15-Nov-14 12:55:57

"he had even thought about suicide" Is he trying to manipulate you to focus on HIM, and feel sorry for him, rather than focus on how he has wronged you and your relationship?

princesscallie Sat 15-Nov-14 13:00:07

I honestly dont know...i dont think so if im honest. Hes lost over a stone and a half 9n weight since it happened so he must have felt guilty. He was ready to walk out the other night but i told him not to. I.dont want to break up our family over a stupid mistake either.

Vivacia Sat 15-Nov-14 13:05:13

OP you are in great danger of sweeping this under the carpet, moving on, getting over it... I know it's so very tempting to get back to normal. But in the long run this will be worse for you and probably make you ill.

You don't need to tell your parents, but if you won't ask him to leave, what will you do?

EverythingsRunningAway Sat 15-Nov-14 13:10:03

He pushed her away AFTER he got his blow job out of her

What a lovely man he must be.

Ihatechoosingausername Sat 15-Nov-14 13:13:15

Is he a bit 'dramatic' in other areas of his life too? It sounds as if he's trying to get you to feel sorry for him rather than be angry at him.

Regarding the weight loss, has he been encouraging this by keeping himself in shape and eating healthily?

Has told you where this 'incident' happened? It seems odd to me that a woman who would go from kissing a stranger to giving them head in one night.

Vivacia Sat 15-Nov-14 13:16:04

Yes, I wondered about the details too. I think where, who she is, who he was out with etc would be very relevant.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 15-Nov-14 13:22:22

So, he got himself drunk, hooked up with a stranger and then they both removed themselves to somewhere private to do stuff he should only be doing with you. This is hardly spur-of-the-moment, didn't know-what-I-was-doing, my-penis-was-suddenly-in-someone-else's-mouth stuff, is it? And if this is the total unvarnished truth of what really happened I'll eat my hat.

Sod his alleged guilt! Boo bloody hoo. Don't give any thought to that and concentrate on how you are feeling. He's not the victim here, no matter how he tries to paint it: you are. Of his lack of control and total weak-willed selfishness.

Let him off easily with this, if you can let him off at all, and you'll give him carte blanche to do exactly as he please from now on in.

RUNNER0 Sat 15-Nov-14 13:27:25

Everyone makes mistakes !
Everyone deserves a second chance .
I'm not saying let him off the hook I'm just saying it sounds like he's torturing himself and let's face it not one of us is perfect !

VenusRising Sat 15-Nov-14 13:31:15

Princesscaille you've heard a lot of quite harsh advice here I think.

Fwiw, I think you're on the right track considering that your DH is genuinely sorry and horrified by what he has done. I admire your compassion for your husband.

Nowhere do I see the cynical interpretation that most of the LTB brigade see.

I think you both need to go to counselling, and you need to ask your DH to have counselling separately. Suicide isn't something to be brushed under the carpet, losing that amount of weight would suggest that there is an underlying psychological issue which needs to be addressed.

I don't think asking him to leave and getting all indignant is going to do any good at all. You need to keep the desired end result in mind when you act, and if you want to keep your family together, you should work towards that. He needs to work towards that also, and together I'm sure you can with help. Counselling will help him focus on his aims and also help him achieve them.

Be kind to yourself as well as him, and best of luck to you all.

AnyFucker Sat 15-Nov-14 13:33:50

A wouldn't call finding your cock in someone's mouth a "mistake"

Like it fell out of his trousers of his volition ?

OP you need to get an STI test, I am afraid

AnyFucker Sat 15-Nov-14 13:34:09

*it's own volition

AnyFucker Sat 15-Nov-14 13:35:46

The "LTB brigade" think that women deserve better than to have to be "kind" to a sleazy, cheating partner.

clam Sat 15-Nov-14 13:44:21

I suppose it depends on whether he's lost weight through the stress of knowing he's a sleazebag who just happened to find himself on the receiving end of a blowjob (from whom? Random stranger? Work colleague?), or whether he's been getting himself in shape to make himself more attractive to other women.

fairypond Sat 15-Nov-14 13:49:55

STI check ASP. It's amazing what cheating men can catch from an accidental bit of oral. Apparently.

TooMuchCantBreathe Sat 15-Nov-14 13:56:25

Maybe be gentle with the op? This is a shock and she's just at the beginning, you'll scare her away before she has any chance to process at this rate.

Op only you know your relationship. What do you think? What was he like when you met him? Was he a drink n hook up type of guy? Why have things improved recently? Is it because he's made effort because he feels guilty? Is it sustainable? Do you think he'll continue his efforts if you accept what's gone on?

AnyFucker Sat 15-Nov-14 14:03:52

Is telling OP that she can do better than a sleaze who has accidental blow jobs not gentle ?

Personally, I think piling on the societal guilt to get over it and excuse her husband his silly mistake is far more damaging

VenusRising Sat 15-Nov-14 14:07:21

I agree toomuch, it's all a bit hardcore that everyone's baying for his blood- Outraged of Tunbridge Wells says LTB.

The OP sounds in shock, and not every correct response to every thread in relationships contains the words leave the bastard.

Sometimes people actually want to work on their relationships and be compassionate to the person they're married too, not just dump him when he shows his feet of clay.

My only concern would be if the OP isn't compassionate to herself also. Sadly that includes getting a std test and taking time to consider what you want, and how to get it. This includes counselling imvho.

TonyThePony Sat 15-Nov-14 14:07:37

I actually think this isn't a complete catastrophe.

He told you. It wasn't because you were going to find out, it wasn't because you'd argued. He chose to tell you, maybe to relieve guilt but surely, feeling guilt is a good sign.

He sounds as though it has been genuinely stressing him out, with the weight loss and the improvement to your relationship. I'd be inclined to believe him when he says he regrets it.

Obviously, it shouldn't have happened, I would still be utterly livid but it has happened and as far as cheating goes, he sounds remorseful.

I think you should still take time and space. It will be hard, it might not be possible for you to forgive him but I personally (though I must add, speaking with zero experience of this) think I possibly would be able to get past this, eventually, without LTB.

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