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what would you do...

(25 Posts)
whatisforteamum Sat 15-Nov-14 12:08:37

i only asked advice yesterday so please dont respond if im boring you.
DH has just told me i cant make him feel guilty or sorry for me that Dads cancer has spread and it is aggressive .Mum and Dad both have advanced cancer although Mum is "well" Dad is facing more harsh chemo that can kill him if the cancer doesnt.
I know Dh has been recovering from his heart attack last yr.I dont understand his hard heartedness with regard to my Dad as they have got on so well the last 28yrs.
Would you expect this attitude from your partner? or am i supossed to bottle it up and work though it alone?

NamesNick Sat 15-Nov-14 12:14:31

why do you feel your dh needs to feel 'guilty'

its an awful scenario and you have my sympathies, but expecting someone to feel guilty is not on im afraid

LadyLuck10 Sat 15-Nov-14 12:17:18

What is the guilt he is referring to?

It seems as though you are both going through tremendous stress. Maybe your parents conditions are bringing back what he went through with his heart attack.

whatisforteamum Sat 15-Nov-14 14:46:04

i dont know how i can make him feel "guilty".He says i talk about Dad dying quiet a bit but who wouldnt it was hell on earth in 2012 when they both had chemo and we didnt know if either or both would die that yr.This time i have much more come to terms with it.
I know he says he cant change it (ie men like to be able to offer solutions and cancer is not fix able).
Unless he is referring to the fact he has gone to golf alot knowing i have wanted to go out or away hence we went out twice this year.I feel very sad and alone and i know a guy at work said your parents will die anyway they are in their 70s without seeing how ill people become.
It is not like i havent taken on extra hrs at work.
Thank you maybe you are right he has his own stress so he cant handle mine,what a lonely time for us all.

airforsharon Sat 15-Nov-14 18:02:21

It sounds like 2 separate issues - your parents, and his going "to golf a lot knowing i have wanted to go out or away hence we went out twice this year." Is he saying you make him feel guilty about that? (the going out)

So he's pleasing himself regards golf/whatever and that means you've had to cancel plans, and he also seems to be incapable of giving you any emotional support regards your parents?

No I wouldn't expect that attitude from my partner, I think it stinks.

whatisforteamum Sun 16-Nov-14 08:20:59

Thanks airforsharon i feel like i am all alone and have mentioned splitting up all summer.Bottom line is i felt we needed each other,,him having his problems healthwise me with a new job and Dad so ill.
He is a changed man and not for the better.
Personally i think he makes himself feel guilty as i have been with him 28 yrs and this yr is the worst he has ever treated me.
I can kind of understand the wanting to have some fun himself after working silly hrs for yrs and the dcs are grown but i am so shocked how callous he is.

whatisforteamum Sun 16-Nov-14 22:57:34

A rl friend said maybe he is too upset to think of FIL dying as my Dad is lovely.TBH i think he is just being very selfish (arent we all at times) and i would hope after 28yrs he could show some compassion..or let me go and find someone who can.

APlaceInTheWinter Sun 16-Nov-14 23:11:16

He doesn't need to give you permission to leave so you can find someone else who will give you emotional support. If you want to leave him, then you can. Are you trying to use emotional blackmail to get him to spend more time with you? Is that why he said you made him feel guilty?
Either way, I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect support from your partner at such a difficult time. He is supposed to be the person who cares for you most. Don't bottle up how you feel as it will just come bubbling back up to the surface. There should be some support services in your area for families of people living with cancer. Contact them. Talk to them and take all the support they can offer.
Yes, it would be nice if your husband would step up but since he is refusing to do so, you need to find support elsewhere (and the best place would be a family/carers' group).

whatisforteamum Mon 17-Nov-14 08:36:52

thanks a placeinwinter i only begged for a holiday as it has been my choice to miss out the last 10yrs but felt his heart attack which had us all worried about a poss bypass and if and when he could return to work.Then i took on extra work and my lovely job changed and that was a steeep learning curve forced me! I anticipated Mum or Dads cancer returning as its terminal.Its been a hard 2 yrs.i will look for support elsewhere although im quite shy really

HumblePieMonster Mon 17-Nov-14 08:58:42

hang on. this is the man who won't let you sleep in the marriage bed because you had an affair donkey's years ago, and you're staying for the children. I haven't looked it up, but I'm right, aren't I? stop 'begging' this man and leave him.

whatisforteamum Mon 17-Nov-14 09:31:15

yes Humblepie things are worse than first suspected.He doesnt stop me sleeping in the bed...he just wont sort out his snoring and although that was my choice..sleep over convention, he seems to take delight that i am the one downstairs. Occasionally offering to buy a sofabed and take it in turns then carrying on regardless.His medication has sorted out his anger but he has a very different personality to a yr ago.ive been working alot more hrs as i will have to take on more if we split up.

APlaceInTheWinter Mon 17-Nov-14 11:17:44

You need proper sleep. Can you afford to buy a sofa-bed? If so, order one today. Everything looks better when you've had a proper rest.

Then, have a look for a support group. If you have a Maggie's Centre nearby, they are amazing. You can just pop in. You don't need to talk to anyone if you don't want to, but you might find you do want to talk about it when there is someone being supportive. They won't pressure you to talk at all if you don't want to. Sometimes just having a quiet place to sit, can help when in the midst of such serious illnesses.

If Humblepie 's summary is accurate then do consider leaving. You are going to need all your strength to deal with your parents' illnesses. You don't have any to spare for a man who has been punishing you for years. You are worth more than that. Your mental health is just as important as his physical wellbeing. Look after yourself. thanks

Vivacia Mon 17-Nov-14 11:24:52

Why didn't you clearly state/remind people of the abusive nature of your relationship?

whatisforteamum Tue 18-Nov-14 08:34:09

vivacia i am not sure i would call it an abusive relationship.Dh has had meds for his anger issues which have calmed him down to almost how he was before.He did attack me physically once last yr.Unless you are referring to me keeping on about his weight for yrs as i was worried he would have a fatal heart attack in his 40s like his mum...he almost did.
I am making moves to get my own life..working more hrs has made me feel i could go fulltime if i have to.I have had alot of situations to unravel and things are becoming clearer every week.

Vivacia Tue 18-Nov-14 13:35:18

OP I am referring to you being refused a bed and made to sleep on the floor. I'm referring to your husband swearing and shouting at you, pestering you for sex and being violent to the extent of breaking things and punching the walls.

These are all things you've been telling us about for months.

Yet for some reason you think I might be referring to you "nagging"?

whatisforteamum Tue 18-Nov-14 14:09:07

oops crossed wires,he has never punched a wall but did crush a dvd into my hand once.I suppose i never thought of it as abuse.My own family think i push my luck with regards to nagging or expecting help around the house (which he does now without the huffing).I guess i have low self esteem from them. A kind of put up and shut up attitude and lots of little compromises that i didnt realise how bad things were getting.

Vivacia Tue 18-Nov-14 14:25:03

I firmly believe that we learn about our role in life from our families, so I feel you're right about where you have learned your boundaries and expectations.

How do you feel, reflecting over the months you have posted on here about this situation? Lots of women confirming your suspicions that this relationship is not healthy and that his behaviour is abusive?

whatisforteamum Tue 18-Nov-14 15:20:28

TBH i feel quite shocked.I have never been one to be railroaded into anything i wasnt sure about so i would never LTB on anyones advice.
However much as i felt things were not great for us i am shocked how much i have put up with and how much he has changed.
I know it was wrong but during the affair i realised i was a happy person..not the moany one i thought i was.I had never had so much affection as MUM and Dad are not the huggy type and never said i love you.
The fact my parents wouldve been unsupportive of split and tutted about what a nice man they thought he was would make me feel i expect too much.

I rushed into buying a house at 22 to get away from Mum perhaps not thinking clearly enough and stayed since.It is hard to accept that my once supportive Dh has gone at least with me... and i have no idea what caused it unless his health has made him rethink his attitude.

Vivacia Tue 18-Nov-14 15:38:27

I don't think that there's a requirement for you to LTB smile

I do wonder why you keep checking for opinions on a horrible, isolated incident without giving other posters the full picture.

whatisforteamum Tue 18-Nov-14 18:16:47

just trying to gauge if others get support or are supposed to man up to most things.
Thank you Aplaceinwinter we do have a maggies centre near us i thought it was more for the patients than family.I live in the same town as my parents and although they are very independant it is hard not to worry about them.I agree mental heath is key.Some emotional support and a hug would be the icing on the cake though smile

whatisforteamum Wed 19-Nov-14 11:52:44

well i have had a breakthough.upon speaking to dh he is more adamant that he he wont offer support or the odd talk is off limits so is dad unless he dies!! He is cross i posted on here too.Luckily the great people on macmillan who know what itis like to watch their loved ones go through hell have offered support.this is more appropriate site i guess for my situation.

APlaceInTheWinter Wed 19-Nov-14 15:02:51

When my dad had cancer, I popped into the Maggies' Centre occasionally and I can't sing their praises highly enough. I'm glad Macmillan are offering you similar support.

I get that your DH has subverted your expectations so completely that you're trying to find a benchmark to see if he's lacking or you're demanding. For me, the way I work out if someone's actions are less than beneficial is whether they make me feel better or worse. It's pretty simple really.

Trying to decide whether or not I'm being too demanding falls down to two simple questions for me: (1) if the situations were reversed, would I do it for them? (2) how would a friend / colleague / stranger in the street or on the internet respond to me if they were here?

If you really want to squarely face up to what your DH is like, then throw in a third question: how would he react to his friend or relative if they were having the same issue as you? Would he be telling them they weren't allowed to talk about it?

It's actually incredibly damaging to try to suppress your need to talk about such momentous events. Also, you don't need to tell him about posting here or getting support from Macmillan. He's made his position clear. You don't need to offer him any more information as he'll just try to undermine it. He sounds like such hard work.

whatisforteamum Thu 20-Nov-14 08:44:49

Thank you aplaceinwinter.An older lady friend told me she can see it from his point of view.( she used to try to get me to leave him).She said when her mum had cancer she didnt talk about it or her perhaps dying..a denial so bad that when her mum died her ex and son said they didnt realize she was so ill !
She told me some people cant face things like that so pretend its not happening.When his dad was dying 18yrs ago we visited and took cooked meals and shopping if needed.Oh well i guess it is a symptom of the relationship breaking down further.
Dh is the kind caring type..would do anything for anyone,so is my dad who took Dh to harefield heart hosp for check ups.This is why it is so hard to take.Maybe things will become intolerable for me and i will have to leave.Many thanks for replying.

APlaceInTheWinter Thu 20-Nov-14 13:07:42

Dh is the kind caring type.
And yet he isn't being either of those things to you, at the point when you need it most. I'm not sure things will become intolerable. You're just slowly readjusting your boundaries to accept whatever crumbs he throws in your direction. There is a book called 'Boundaries' that might help. It is difficult to learn how to introduce boundaries in your personal relationships but it is worth the effort, and can only make you happier.

whatisforteamum Sat 22-Nov-14 09:34:37

yes i will order that book thank you.Dad is sorted for chemo before x mas 18 weeks after being told the cancer was active again.Now DH has a 2 week refferal as he had a bad rear end bleed thurs and when it happened before we were told it was his blood thinners but now it has to be looked at more.He is being nice as i guess it frightened him.
I have always been an open person..even giving people the info to use against me if they want too.

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