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what do i do?

(28 Posts)
ohmothermaidenheadi Sat 15-Nov-14 08:10:47

Found out weds night that there was something going on with husband and another woman.
Found out yesterday he has fucked her.
What do I do?
What questions do I ask?
I'm just a total blank at the moment.

PrettyPictures92 Sat 15-Nov-14 08:16:23

What do you want to do about it? What do you want to ask him? We can't answer those questions for you I'm afraid. Hope you're ok flowers

ohmothermaidenheadi Sat 15-Nov-14 08:18:01

I want to know everything. But he has deleted all texts etc from his end. So I can't see how it got to this.

ilovelamp82 Sat 15-Nov-14 08:20:51

I'm sorry you're going through this. But is there really anything he could tell you or you could find out that you would even want to hear?

It's unlikely he will tell you the truth anyway. If you know for sure that this happened, I would just kick him out. I'm sure he'll soon tell you his version of events.

ohmothermaidenheadi Sat 15-Nov-14 08:26:33

He has answered all questions so far. But I want to know what the messages say so I know that what he has said is the full extent.
He says they had sex once. Why should I believe that? It could be bullshit.
I made him stay away for weds n Thursday night. But last night he stayed at the house because the kids needed to see him and I wanted to go out and have some space.

pippinleaf Sat 15-Nov-14 08:34:01

You poor thing, that's a horrible discovery and does leave you with so much doubt. Why would he only have sex with her once? Surely, when you're in that first flush of lust and you've gone ahead and been unfaithful, you may as well do it as much as possible? That doesn't quite ring true. And anyway, once is still being unfaithful although maybe he thinks you could forgive once but not more?

It's a really tough time because your first instinct is to find EVERYTHING out so you can see if you think you can deal with it. Also you're in panic mode because this threatens your whole way of living. Your thoughts right now are probably to do whatever you can to save your marriage but as time progresses you may revisit this instinct as you will mull over the horrid details and wonder if you can get past them.

I personally ended up not being able to get past it despite several months of trying and conning myself that this somehow was a fresh start. Now I'm well away from it all I'm so relieved to be, but I don't have children and that makes a break easier.

Take care of yourself and don't ever allow yourself to think that his behaviour is somehow ok x

GelfBride Sat 15-Nov-14 08:37:18

Why does it matter if it was more than once. Once is enough surely? It's shit that you have this in your life. You will need to get yourself checked out at the sexual health clinic and while you are sitting in the waiting room please realise you are worth soo much better than this lying, cheating, text deleting bastard. flowers

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith Sat 15-Nov-14 08:39:31

Well. What I would do is make him stay away as much as possible. If he wants to see the DC he can pick them up, take them out and bring them back.

On Monday I would be getting advice from a solicitor and from the CAB with regards divorce. flowers

Finola1step Sat 15-Nov-14 08:43:32

The very best thing you can do right now is buy yourself some time. Tell him to leave again for a while.

Yes, definitely see a solicitor to begin discussing your options.

Talk to friends in rl.

Quitelikely Sat 15-Nov-14 08:46:22

Was the affair purely about sex? Or was it also emotional? Does she love him? Why did he do it?

ohmothermaidenheadi Sat 15-Nov-14 08:50:02

Quite likely, that's why I want to see those messages. To see what was said. To see the whole lot.

Windywinston Sat 15-Nov-14 14:37:33

I totally understand your need to know the details, but realistically you already know enough to make a decision eventually.

If he's told you the truth what is he hiding by deleting the messages? If he's not interested in full disclosure then I'm sorry but even if you decided to try to forgive, your relationship is doomed, because you won't be able to move on from this. Sorry.

ohmothermaidenheadi Sat 15-Nov-14 14:42:41

i saw the messages, but didnt have a chance to read them. he took the ohone and deleted everything. i kicked him out.
that was wednesday night.
friday he came back and told me he had had sex with another woman.
he has answered everything i have asked.
but tbh, i have no reason to believe him do i?

Windywinston Sat 15-Nov-14 14:44:52

In a word, no.

ohmothermaidenheadi Sat 15-Nov-14 14:46:51

how do i deal with this? we have 3 kids. a home. jobs. 13 years of a relationship. how do i conremplate a life that hes not part of?

AnyFucker Sat 15-Nov-14 14:50:01

Did he ask himself that when he decided he was entitled to shag OW ?

Windywinston Sat 15-Nov-14 14:50:16

Do exactly what Finola has advised above. RL support is really important, don't hide his dirty little secret for him.

ohmothermaidenheadi Sat 15-Nov-14 14:51:40

i have spoken to a few friends, but its difficult.

ohmothermaidenheadi Sat 15-Nov-14 14:51:53

any, i have no idea.

Windywinston Sat 15-Nov-14 14:55:14

OP, I think AF's question is a rhetorical one. He didn't ask himself that question because either he didn't give a shit, or he didn't think he'd get caught.

I really feel for you, this must be so difficult to handle and you're in shock. That's why it's really important that he leaves to give you space to think and absorb what's happened.

AnyFucker Sat 15-Nov-14 14:56:46

One would assume not, since he went ahead and did it anyway

Op, it isn't your job to save this relationship now

There is no magic piece of info that will help you do that

If infidelity is a deal breaker for you, the details are superfluous

ohmothermaidenheadi Sat 15-Nov-14 14:58:19

there are so many things to think about.
he kissed someone else a few years ago. at the time our marriage was shit. we were barely friends. so we worked. hard. we both made changes. it was something that somehow with time, and a shit load of work we made turn us into a better couple.
but this is defferent. not just because its sex. but because it has been good. and i didnt see any issues.

ohmothermaidenheadi Sat 15-Nov-14 15:00:03

stupidly, i want to go and fuck someone else. then tell him. let him know that feeling. let him know that the next time he touches me someone else has done the same. let him know that the last person to kiss me wasnt him
and i know it wouldnt make me feel better.
but i want him to feel an ounce of it.

Sallyingforth Sat 15-Nov-14 15:10:47

In your position I wouldn't want to know any more details about the affair. It has happened - that is enough to know. A partner can only be faithful or unfaithful. It doesn't matter whether he had sex once or a hundred times.
What you do need to know is if he is really sorry and regretful, and will not do be unfaithful again. It is up to him to prove this, and if he is genuine he will be upfront without you having to drag it out of him.
Only then can you decide whether you can forgive him and let him continue in your life.

BrowersBlues Sat 15-Nov-14 15:11:42

Don't lower yourself to his level OP. Hold your head high. I would go to see a solicitor to see where you stand. He seems to have form for this type of behaviour.

Try to see it as a lucky escape from the crap you would have faced had you not found out. This would have happened time and time again in your marriage. It is even more galling that he would be unfaithful whilst things have seemed good between you.

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