Is anyone up? This is fucked and I need a handhold

[MrsKim]

DP has just come home plastered.

He went out after work, didn't reply to any of my calls or messages (he has form for this) while I stayed at home with DCs (6 and 3 months).

He proceeded to bang into stuff and retched into the loo. I asked him to sleep on the sofa. He refused and tried to get in bed with DD. I didn't feel safe letting him sleep next to her in that state so I lifted her into our bed.

I calmy asked him to go and sleep on the sofa. He refused to leave our room, denied he was drunk and patronisingly/sarcastically asked "Aw as it hard for you?" because one of my messages had mentioned that the DCs didn't have the best evening.

He eventually left and I closed the door to hear him calling me a cunt .

I can't do this anymore. There's nothing left is there?

My beautiful DD and DS are in bed with me and I am sat here bawling. They deserve better then this.

[rootypig]

Hideous. Here's a hand to hold.

How long have things been bad? is it the drink? marriage totally broken down? all of the above?

[artex]

You poor thing. I'm up briefly with a poorly DC now sleeping

Are you safe?
What is it that you would like to happen in the immediate future?

Hand to hold

[callamia]

I'm up, he's a twat isn't he? A mean-spirited dickhead. I'm sorry that you and your children are going through this tonight.

Is this kind if behaviour not unusual? There's no reasonable excuse for behaving so horribly, and I see why you're upset and hurt.

Is it time to split? To ask him to leave?

[theclockticksslowly]

Couldn't read and run. Offering a hand

Has this sort of thing happened before? Do you have anyone in real life who perhaps tomorrow you could begin to talk through options with? What are you thinking of doing? You and your children are what are important in all this - as I'm sure you know, you must do what is best for you three.

[MrsKim]

Thanks rooty.

It isn't drink that's the problem. He doesn't go out very often at all and doesn't drink at home bar the odd craft beer.

But almost every time he goes out he just seems to ignore me. I have anxiety issues which partly come from waking up more than once to find he hasn't come home at all (cue me thinking he was dead in a ditch).

We've been together 13 years, most of which have been good.

On a daily basis we're ok. I just don't know how he can call me names like that. He had done that before too.

Don't get me wrong, I've been hideous to him in the past too but I don't anymore. Tonight I really tried hard to remain calm and consistent and not get cross with him. I just wanted him out of my face.

[ExtraVolume]

You poor thing. He sounds horrible.

Have a good bawl and let it out. Then try and get some rest.

I'm a single parent and there are some hard bits but honestly it isn't as hard as living with someone who treats you with contempt.

[SelfLoathing]

((((MrsKim))))

When you say he has form for this what do you mean? The drinking? or the non-responding?

If may not be a case of "there's nothing left". He may have a drink problem. Typically a drink problem is actually masking some other issue and is a form of self medication. If he is prepared to get help for his drinking, then it may not be all over.

On the other hand, he may not have a drink problem, just went out, got drunk and behaved like a shi.t. Which is a different issue.

Either way, it's bed time for you especially if you have young children!! You need to get at least a bit of sleep so that you can face him in the morning and have a calm discussion about what happened.

[catrin]

If you think about this rationally...

Yes, an utterly exhausting, irritating evening. He is being a knob.

Is he ALWAYS like this? We all have our vile, irritating moments. He's been out, got pissed, you are in, kids are exhausting you, you've had a gutsful. This is not necessarily a make or break moment - he's pissed and you are pissed off. I say this as a woman who is a divorcing parent, so I totally know what a crap relationship feels like!

[MrsKim]

Thanks all.

The situation is confounded by the fact that I have no-one apart from DP. No friends at all, my family are in different countries. It's literally just the four of us.

I am a SAHM and have no money. I know for a fact that I'd be fine on the parenting front but financially I don't know where to start.

He's so thoughtful most of the time. He gets up with DD and gets her ready for school - I'm breastfeeding so am knackered, works hard to support us all, walks the dog.

How does that man turn into the one I saw tonight?

[kohl]

You and your DCs deserve much more. What a nasty bastard. You have choices, and there'll be lots of knowledgable posters along to help you, what do you want to happen?

[MrsKim]

ExtraVolume your last line is exactly how I feel right now.

SelfLoathing it's definitely the second of those scenarios. He doesn't have a drink problem. He has a dickhead problem.

I can hear him snoring loudly enough to wake the dead and I am sat on the edge of my bed because I don't want to squash DCs .

I'll admit that I probably pester him too much when he goes out. Partly from past experience of him acting a certain way. He has promised many times to stay in touch and not ignore me. I don't want to know where he is all the time, just that he's ok and maybe be asked how we are.

I think I also pester him because I feel so trapped and am jealous that he has friends and the chance of nights out. I'm not easy to love with either.

[rootypig]

So many things to say OP.

Money - if you are seriously considering leaving: Are you entitled to UK public funds? if so, depending on where you live, housing allowance and income support, plus child benefit and tax credits, could all add up to give you and your DC somewhere to live and a decent quality of life. You would be entitled to maintenance from your husband too, and if you have marital assets, a share of those. It's the housing allowance that really makes a difference, and that is paid by the council, so varies place to place.

More generally, I'm worried about your lack of friends and support, and a social life. I know you're BF a very little one, which keeps you pinned to the sofa, but it sounds as though it has been this way for a while?

[MrsKim]

I'm in England rooty. We're not married, no assets and we rent (DP pays).

I have gradually been becoming more and more isolated for the last few years. I try with school mums etc but I think I must be an acquired taste . I don't like baby groups etc.

I have never found anyone I get on with like I do (did?) with DP. We have the same interests and humour. Which is all good when it's going well but a bit crap when it's not and you realise you have nothing else but your kids.

Also, my sister has just separated from her (cheating) husband and my parents have taken it really bad and are worried sick about her and her DCs (they live abroad). I don't know what they'd do if I announce I've done the same .

[differentnameforthis]

How does that man turn into the one I saw tonight? It's quite possible that this is the real him & the drink just put his guard down & he can't hide it as well. So sorry op.

[MrsKim]

I thought that too differentname but it's so hard to reconcile my usually kind and thoughtful DP with the one I saw tonight.

It would be easier to get past if tonight had been the first time .

We're meant to be travelling to my parents for Xmas. Our first family Xmas with new DS and our lovely dog .

[rootypig]

So sorry - I misread as DH and not DP.

Some people who immigrate to the UK aren't entitled to the benefits I list, so always worth checking. But is sounds as though you are entitled. You would be entitled to income support by virtue of the age of your baby, and you would be entitled to housing allowance. You can look up both online. Plus tax credits and your child benefit. In the UK there is a system that can help you to leave if you want to, please believe it.

I think at this point, you can't worry about anyone but you and your kids, as difficult as I know that can be. Not your parents, or sister, or him.

When you envisage life without him, say in a year, in your own home with your children, how does that feel?

[Wrapdress]

I have always thought - "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts" - so I tend to listen to what drunk people say to gain insight into their thinking.

At a minimum it seems you need to create a life for yourself that doesn't involve your husband - friends, a social life, interests. What would your ideal friend be like?

[MrsKim]

At the minute that thought makes me feel 90% sad, 10% tentatively excited.

I'm from N.I. so technically from U.K.

I can't sleep. Am sat here feeding DS and feeling crap but ultimately I know I'd manage fine on my own.

I just genuinely don't know what is best for my children. Two together parents who are mostly great together but occasionally not or two separate parents who would probably be lonely and miserable.

I am curious to see how he behaves in the morning. If he is angry with me or tries to deny his actions or twist the events so that it's my fault then I going to ask him to leave.

[MrsKim]

Wrapdress someone who likes gin and RuPauls Drag Race. I don't ask for much!

I am, I suppose, a bit of a 'quirky' person both in appearance and personality. I've been called intimidating before. It's rare that I meet someone I click with. I am outgoing and chatty but the school run is literally my only opportunity to talk to people.

God I sound pathetic. I swear I used to be a popular vibrant person.

[Yikesivedoneitagain]

I'm in a vaguely similar position to you, so am in no position to offer advice. I did want to send you kind thoughts, though, and I hope you are able to think this all through.

Are you able to get some headspace? Maybe take the children to visit your parents? Really think it all through.

One thing I have learnt is that people don't generally change cycles of behaviour that are really deeply ingrained. If your partner realises he is being a shit when drunk, his response will tell you what you need to know: is he hugely apologetic and making a resolution not to drink/go out after work etc, or is he dismissive, and disregarding of your feelings in order to minimise the damage and normalise the behaviour? If it's the latter, you may be waiting a very long time for a change.

On the friends note, support is what you need right now. You said you hate baby groups, how about things in the evening? I used to do an aerobics class and met some fantastic women.

[MrsKim]

Thank you so much Yikes and sorry that you're in a similar situation.

I really can't predict how he'll be tomorrow. Honestly? I don't want my decisions to be affected by his behaviour whichever way he acts. I feel like asking him to go anyway.

I was planning joining a zumba class this Tuesday at a local school. If DP isn't here I can't do that. There is literally no-one I can ask to babysit.

I have been walking the dog at night recently doing 4-5k and feeling great for it. It's the only child free time I have and it's much appreciated.

[Yikesivedoneitagain]

Aha, so you feel you may be a bit unapproachable? That might be so - how do you find small talk? I have had to master this most unpleasant of habits since I have had children. I have also mastered putting on a great big smile and having a chat about weaning/the weather/crap telly when inside my head is filled with thoughts about leaving my husband and my dad's terminal illness. It is bloody hard, but has meant I have got a big support network locally, as I have gradually opened up to these people. What I didn't realise at first was that most of them had heads full of stuff too. They were all doing the same act as me. When I got past it, I got friendship and support, two things you bloody well need right now.

[MrsKim]

DD has a birthday party to attend tomorrow. Usually DP takes her but I'm going to do it this time and take DS too. DP can fester in bed.

I just went for a wee and there's puke all over the toilet bowl .

[Yikesivedoneitagain]

Ok, that makes sense. I would never say it's a good idea to make a decision on whether to leave your husband without having really thought it through. It's not something you can just try out, you know?

So maybe starting small, doing the Zumba class next week, and walking the dog, those are both such positive things. Once you get some people around you, you will be able to kick ideas about.

If you were to split up with your partner would you stay here or move home?

[rootypig]

It sounds as though you're still a long way from being able to leave. Which is utterly understandable - I understand a lot more than I'd like to.

The concern is that a bad relationship erodes you though - over time you are more and more stuck, not less.