Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Flings / FWB(27 Posts)
Yes and no - in my experience some have ended in LTRs and some have ended up being nothing more than sex - either amicably or painfully for one or other partner.
I haven't had an fwb myself though so that's not personal experience, sorry. Are you in one?
I believe, rightly or wrongly, that a FWB situation occurs because of a need at that moment in time. If the goal posts move, it tends to be because one ( usually the female) cannot cope with the emotional side of a sexual relationship with someone and ends up placing more value on the situation than the other person.
So - apologies for long response! - it could possibly work, anything could really, but the basis was not relationship oriented and as such is not necessarily going to develop. Sorry... My opinion only!
I was in one once, that was enough.
It was a bad time in my life. I had a nervous breakdown and it was one of several things I did that I now most definitely regret. I felt nothing, either about the sex or about him and I wouldn't do that again.
Personally no. FWB for me has been precisely because I didn't want a relationship, just sex.
But I do know of a couple of people whose relationships started that way. I'd say it's probably rare though. Most of my friends who have had FWB situations have been more like me, although mostly men.
Im having one. I wouldn't want it to become a relationship. Nor he. We have discussed this very carefully. He's absolutely lovely. But 11 years younger wants his own family. I have older children.
Are you having one? What are your hopes?
Id like a relationship but I am not ready for one having been cheated on by my ex.
Yes, ended up in relationship and have 1 DS together...
I had a ONS (first and last!), 10 years ago whilst at uni... we then turned into FWB for a year, then bf-gf, got married 3 years ago and it's certainly not 'just about the sex'- we are very compatible, really happy couple and love each other very much.
Hmm. He doesn't sound like what I'd call a "Fwb". In my book it's only a "fwb" because you've made your positions clear. I have a couple of fwb's and the whole point is that I know exactly where we "are". We know we are dating other people, one is actually looking for a relationship so we discuss how things are going for him on that front.
It sounds to me like you're just floating about in no mans land. You need to ask him what he wants from the relationship (a fwb is still a type of relationship). Does he want to see where things go (I.e. Move slowly but towards a committed relationship), or keep things casual (fwb)? How he answers lets you know what you need to do next. If he says he doesn't want anything serious (even in the future, with you) then you need to either end things before they get messy, or put some boundaries in place so you can continue having sex and keeping one another company without either of you wanting more, etc. The latter doesn't work for some people, you know yourself better than we do.
My friend had a FWB that she absolutely wasn't going to consider going anywhere because he was too young. No way, not a chance.
Married with 2 DC now
We would meet up maybe once a week or so, sometimes with longer in between. It sort of naturally evolved into a more serious relationship with us moving on from the physical to also eating together, chatting, watching films, studying together. I think the reasons it worked out are a) we were both in the same place at the same time relationship-wise (ie at uni, having fun) and then came to the realisation we both wanted more at the same time and b) we had shared interests before we met iykwim, so had things in common other than sex.
I think being in the same place relationship-wise is very important- if you're not, it skews the power balance in the relationship from the start, making things unhealthy- it puts one partner at the mercy of another, and I think relationships work because the happiness of both partners depends on the other. If your happiness depends on his, but he is happy regardless of yours, you need to walk.
Sorry for the triple post...am having a thought-vomit moment. You should talk to him, to find out the above. If he's as sweet as you say I am sure you can. Then you'll know for sure, rather than listening to a stranger's experience from 10 years ago on the internet
I am in a serious relationship with my former FWB
He was an old school friend and we'd recently got back in touch. We had a ONS and from there on became actual friends, lunched together (we work at the same place) and spoke about our interests. We then became FWB, not really wanting anything more at that point because I have kids and he has been hurt by an ex previously.
So for about 14 months we would see eachother perhaps once a week, sometimes with more space between depending on schedules. We'd still meet up for lunches because we were friends first and foremost. I kissed some other people, he did so once. We agreed we'd stop sleeping together as soon as one of us slept with someone else though.
Then we'd been drifting apart a little, I was a little too invested in him so distanced myself purposely. A mutual friend asked me out on a date, FWB buddy heard (the guy who asked me told him out of courtesy) and FWB realised he couldn't handle the thought of me having fun and sleeping with someone else.
Our friend was very generous and graceful about us getting together and wished us well.
At first I thought it wouldn't work, after all, he didn't even decide he wanted me fully until he knew someone else did right?
We've been together almost six months now he is the loveliest man I've ever met. He is wonderful to me and my children (who he has now finally met!) and we are very, very much in love.
So it does work out sometimes, but as pp said, I do think it can be about timing. Good Luck OP!
Do you feel able to ask him? Lay your cards on the table and tell him you would like to progress it to an exclusive and serious relationship. He may want the same, or he may not. But at least you'll know and you won't be spending any more time not knowing
You sound as though you are falling in love with him even though you are trying to keep a distance.
Be honest with yourself. If this is what's happening you need to be honest with him now and risk losing him rather than fall too deep only to find he has a similar arrangement with four other women.
It's easier to turn back now.
Sounds like he is having his cake and eating it, in that case.
I would say you need to know where you stand here so ask him. If he is happy to see you and other people at the same time then I would bow out before you get hurt. You do need to be honest with yourself about what you want.
Join the discussion
Please login first.