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Meets up with ex.. cheating?

(22 Posts)
BettyBB2 Fri 14-Nov-14 23:55:57

Regular poster - name changer!

My DP and I have been together for 3 years and over the last 6 months, he's seemed a little distant.. still loving but slightly different behaviour which I have picked up on, asked about, and been told there's nothing wrong. We are usually very open with each other (at least I am with him), share our days, tell each other what we are doing, we also live together as well.

Recently I went on his Facebook profile (yes yes I know..) and found out he met up with an ex a few weeks ago.. and didn't tell me about it. I remember that day he said he needed to pop into work for a bit so it was a deliberate omission of what he was doing that day. He had mentioned this ex in the past as she had asked a favour of him but definitely didn't mention they were meeting up and it was definitely pre-planned from the Facebook message I read.

I'm a little stuck now on what to do. I know him and his ex have been texting a lot and he's removed his shared Gmail calendar as well. He also refused to join in on the Find My Friends app in the pub a few months ago (a joke amongst our group as we're always late so agreed to share our locations with each other). I would never think him capable of cheating but all this little things are adding up to something I don't want to even consider.

What can I do? Approach him about it? Leave it be? I need a level and regular Mumsnet jury decision!

MyBrothersKeeper Sat 15-Nov-14 00:21:51

The issue is about deceit and secretiveness (which appears to be not part of your normal life - 1st warning bell).
Facebook is a social thing. All cards should be on table; those with nothing to hide are open and honest. All this looking up ex's crap being the norm is crap. Most people would not drive past their ex's to see whats going on so why is it ok on FB.
How are things generally with you guys. How and why did THEY spilt.

VanitasVanitatum Sat 15-Nov-14 00:33:42

I would be concerned simply because he has hidden the meeting, why would he do that if it were purely innocent?

Ihatechoosingausername Sat 15-Nov-14 01:33:52

I'd say approach him. Your gut instinct is probably correct.

See how he reacts, whether he talks himself out of it, or explains to you well enough to put you at ease etc. It'll show his true character

Tinks42 Sat 15-Nov-14 01:47:30

Id be very angry about him being so underhand. I'd also think that he was strongly considering going back to her. I'd certainly be having a huge conversation with him I wouldn't care how I found out either.

LosingTheWillToSkate Sat 15-Nov-14 03:59:40

Well I'd refuse if my friends wanted to track my location too. But then perhaps I'm weird for valuing my privacy. Same goes for shared calendars.

Purposely lying about where he was sounds very odd considering that it's on his Facebook wall anyway so presumably anybody can see it?

But obviously you have issues with him being in contact with his ex, rightly or wrongly isn't for me to say (and I wouldn't know enough anyway) but you do need to talk to him rationally about the situation as a whole (but not the tracking movements stuff as it's beyond weird)

BettyBB2 Sat 15-Nov-14 11:29:49

It was on his Facebook account, we have access to each other's laptops so it's was a private conversation.

I am sitting on it for a few days, I don't think that anything untoward happened at the meeting but it does worry me that this was kept so quiet and he deliberately didn't mention it. Who else does he do this with?

MyBrothersKeeper Sat 15-Nov-14 12:05:18

No matter what he has done/not done/wants to do with his ex behind your back, he is being deceitful. Deceit leads to mistrust which can become resentment.

How long was he with ex for (married, kids ???). If they do have kids, or were together a long time (say at least twice what you've been together?!?) but came to natural end and stayed on good terms, then perhaps there's reason for the contact. Otherwise what reason would they have; meeting in secret is bang out of order and a real indicator.

People really do use FB as an excuse for underhand shit. Secretly searching or contacting ex's or people they fancied is an indicator of a persons moral compass. Like I said before, how would someone feel if the DP starting driving slowly past an ex's house snooping in the windows.

FB has its place but it should be on open terms. If someone is in a loving relationship then this personal privacy crap is an excuse for someone with something to hide, or someone who's not totally comfortable with DP. When you live with someone it should be all cards out. Lets be honset, when you've seen someone sitting on the bog with the trots, seeing who they're searching for on FB shouldn't be an issue.

Tinks42 Sat 15-Nov-14 18:11:11

In all honesty if you want to still be with someone like that then no amount of posting/answer seeking will make any difference. He lied/is being totally deceptive yet you're sitting on it and will probably let it pass? Really?

Windywinston Sat 15-Nov-14 18:22:10

I'd refuse a find my friends' location app too, I've nothing to hide, but no good can come from nonsense like that, either you trust or you don't.

Clearly you don't, but at the same time you don't want to face up to what you found, so then why do it?

The meeting up with ex - not a big deal, depending on the circumstances. Lying about it - that is a problem. Now he either lied because he didn't want to stress you out, or he lied because he's up to no good. They're two cheeks of the same arse as far as I'm concerned. Part of being an adult is having the difficult conversations, not lying to avoid them.

BettyBB2 Sat 15-Nov-14 19:13:18

two cheeks of the same arse love this!

It's difficult to admit to my own failings of snooping, I don't want to tell him I've done that so maybe I need to grow up a little myself smile

VIX1307 Sat 15-Nov-14 19:29:48

What was the conversation like? Flirty? Or friendly? Any clues as to why they had suddenly decided to meet up?

ChippingInAutumnLover Sat 15-Nov-14 19:31:06

You'd be a fool to 'leave it be'.

Meeting up with an ex? Depends.

Lying about where you are going to meet up with an ex in secret. No way. No show. No how.

He has changed. You noticed that before you knew he'd met up with her, that's why you went looking. Don't ignore you instincts.

BettyBB2 Sat 15-Nov-14 20:07:46

VIX307 she needed a favour from him (which is backed up by other evidence), I don't believe they met to shag. Conversation on Facebook was friendly and pleasant, nothing dodgy or untoward.

FelicityGubbins Sat 15-Nov-14 20:29:37

Casually mention that "ooh, I thought i saw your ex mary in Tesco today, her hair looked different though, have YOU seen her lately?" and see what he says...

VIX1307 Sat 15-Nov-14 21:37:31

It could very well be innocent, and he just didn't want to cause unnecessary upset (not saying that this was the right way to go about it)
I might be inclined to ask "casually" about her and see if he brings anything up, if this is possible without causing too much suspicion. You can't really confess to snooping without looking just as bad (or if not worse) than him. Even if you confront him and it does turn out to be innocent, he may well turn it around on you for snooping.
When I saw my boyfriends exs name flash up on his phone as a text I couldn't stop thinking about it (and he didn't mention it) so I somehow brought the convo round to exs and casually asked when was the last time he heard from her. He was honest and told me she text him and showed me the message (also innocent) but thought it was unnecessary to bring it up before. So maybe try that and see what he says?

Tinks42 Sat 15-Nov-14 23:51:02

blimey, listen to yourself there VIX, it may well be innocent? he may well just be meeting her on the quiet and not telling the OP due to not wanting to hurt her? Just casually ask him? are you for real? The OP has been with him for a couple of years.

Tinks42 Sat 15-Nov-14 23:53:11

Stop with the "casually mention" things here ladies. I'd be bloody livid and rightly so.

VIX1307 Sun 16-Nov-14 00:44:36

Tinks, I agree. I'm just saying unless OP is willing to walk there is no point really confronting him. He hasn't been honest about meeting up with his ex. Even if he says it's innocent, by confronting him and then staying shows him this is acceptable behaviour and there are no consequences to his lying.
If OP was wanting to walk based his not telling her, she would already be gone.

Tobyjugg Sun 16-Nov-14 02:18:18

If he's up to no good, why is he plastering it on facebook? If it's innocent why hasn't he mentioned it? Don't beat around the bush. Something's not right here and you are entitled to an explanation. Blokes don't do subtle. Come straight our and demand one.

happybunny2014 Tue 18-Nov-14 00:27:11

I'd ask out right tbh. It's clearly something he wants to keep relatively hidden hence facebook private messages and the excuse of "going to work" it's what exactly is behind this all you need to find out. If you're worried about dobbing yourself in for snooping all I'd say is you clearly looked on his fb for a damn reason (I.e changed behavior etc) and you think you found something worth mentioning.
Good luck with it all

JoanHickson Tue 18-Nov-14 00:47:26

There is something shifty going on. He has broken trust. I don't know what I would do now, probably wait it out.

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