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So Torn, what to do?

(25 Posts)
Concernedmonty Fri 14-Nov-14 21:44:47

I've name changed for this, been on MN for many months, my problem is this;
DH and I are both 49,been married over 25 years, DH and DS play a sport and have been playing for years,
A couple of years back I discovered DH having what I believe was an emotional affair. He was keeping his phone in his pocket all the time but he forgot I knew his e mail password.
There were emails to a lady (whose son plays in the same team as DS/DH)
Lots of jokey things but some saying she was perfect and he was lovely, how they looked forward to next weekend etc etc, you get the picture.
I then looked at his phone one night and same sort of thing on there,
I was heartbroken, DH never pays me compliments, says I'm perfect or anything like that.
Anyway I told him I'd found things and he didn't deny it, thought it was funny that I was so upset and says she's a friend. He acknowledged that him saying she was perfect was abit over friendly hmm
Anyway, things moved on, I tried to not be jealous and have met the woman a few times, she seems ok and is married, but I even now feel uneasy about it,
So now the problem ( hope your still with me!)
DS has a new girlfriend and it is the woman's daughter shock
She's a lovely girl but I can't get it all out of my head, we are all going out on Sunday (me,DS,DH,girlfriend)
DH says we must go and collect girl on our way, and drop her home.
We never took DS previous gf anywhere with us!
I've been crying as I want DS to be happy but I feel so uncomfortable about it,
Deep down I think DH has organised this day out to get in the woman's good books but then I think I'm paranoid!!
Sorry it's sooooo long blush

Concernedmonty Fri 14-Nov-14 22:23:19

Anyone? I know it's long but just want some perspective or someone to tell me to get a grip!
Please thanks

pippinleaf Fri 14-Nov-14 22:58:23

It's a really yucky situation. I've not been in it myself but I can empathise that that's not comfortable for you at all. Is your husband at all understanding at why this might be difficult for you? It won't feel particularly comforting but this relationship of your sons won't last forever as I'm assuming he's pretty young. You might just have to be your fabulous, and perfect self, when you have to have contact. Good luck wine

Itscurtainsforyou Fri 14-Nov-14 23:00:34

I think your DH sounds like an arse. If he really cared he would have reassured you and apologised when you spoke to him about his emails/messages with this woman, not laughed/thought it was funny.

In terms of going out, can you meet your son and girlfriend there instead of collecting her?

Concernedmonty Fri 14-Nov-14 23:13:49

Thanks people. DS is 16 so hopefully relationship wont last for ever!
We cant meet them there, its 30 miles away and they dont drive.
I dont want to appear miserable for my son but its eating me up inside.

Heyho111 Fri 14-Nov-14 23:30:57

Pick her up but your s goes to the door to get her. I imagine her mother will feel awkward and very odd about it. I don't think it will get in her good books. She is prob thinking - omg the guy I was texting could meet my husband. What if he says something!!!!
She will prob be glad when it's over. You could even say to your h , I wonder if her h knows you two were texting. That might make him feel awkward and a bit worried. Which he deserves to be.

Ihatechoosingausername Fri 14-Nov-14 23:32:46

What to do? It might seem petty of you to do anything that might show you don't approve of DS's new relationship. I guess you just have to trust your DH

ThirdPoliceman Fri 14-Nov-14 23:35:58

Have you posted about this before, OP? It all seems very familiar.
If she responded to your DH in an inappropriate way I would find it difficult not to make some (pa) reference to their correspondence.

MyBrothersKeeper Fri 14-Nov-14 23:39:10

Ive run sports teams and parents often form strange relationships that mean nothing 'off the pitch'. Dh was defo over friendly with her but doubt anything went on other than childish flirting.
Does SHE have Dh/Dp or is she separated -this could be an issue.

Concernedmonty Fri 14-Nov-14 23:43:04

Not posted before no.
her DH and my DH know each other but only on 'hi how are you' terms. DH knows im not happy, he says hes not overly happy about the relationship either.
Im just gonna suck it up and try and have a nice day on Sunday for DS sake. Oh and we're not picking her up now, shes being dropped off at our house.

MyBrothersKeeper Fri 14-Nov-14 23:44:47

How do you view yourself against her (appearance, attractiveness etc.)?

ThinkFirst Fri 14-Nov-14 23:44:50

I remember the previous thread too, exactly the same only in that one your DH avoids the woman, is only courteous and has never texted back anything inappropriate. Now you're saying he had an EA, compliments her and tells her she's perfect.
So, which version is true? If you really want helpful advise you're going to have to give the facts, not a fantasy.

Concernedmonty Fri 14-Nov-14 23:51:12

I HAVNT POSTED ABOUT IT BEFORE! Which is probably whythinkfirst the post your thinking of is different hmm
Brothers she is slimmer than me and has very white teethgrin

MyBrothersKeeper Sat 15-Nov-14 00:01:24

Self value is a big factor here. Perhaps you think he's 'bound' to be more attracted to her? Yes he might think she's nice/hot/whatever; but that doesn't mean he thinks less of you. How's your love life?
BTW, not sure why others have problems with posters being delicate with revealing facts over delicate issues. Someone who's in need, needs support not crap...

lavenderhoney Sat 15-Nov-14 00:01:36

Well, be ready to go when she arrives. Put her in the back seat and make your dh drive or be in the passenger seat in the front.

Be very nice to everyone. If you do find yourself alone with her ( in loos) say " I've seen the messages between you and my dh. I'd appreciate it if you would stop. It's embarrsing for you" and wander off.

Tell your ds his gf is lovely infront of everyone and generally be as fabulous as possible.

Concernedmonty Sat 15-Nov-14 00:07:27

Thanks Brothers love life could be better but its not a disaster. We both work shifts so that doesn't help. When we do get together its good!
I think I do feel threatened by her which is why im finding this so hard. Shes a busy lady into lots of fundraising etc and helps out everwhere. whereas I get in from work and flop on the sofa!

MyBrothersKeeper Sat 15-Nov-14 00:08:43

Be careful not to make yourself out to be a crazy DW. If DH is not a total dickhead and you've not hurt him in past then its probably your insecurity that's eating you up; however, DH should respect that youre insecure and stop being a dickhead!!!.

Concernedmonty Sat 15-Nov-14 00:09:13

lavender the woman isnt coming with us, just her daughter

Concernedmonty Sat 15-Nov-14 00:12:39

Thanks again Brothers you are right, im very insecure but will try and get over myself and enjoy the day for DS benefit
and no I've never hurt DH

ThinkFirst Sat 15-Nov-14 00:17:50

I apologise if this isn't you, but it does seem too much of a coincidence. It appears that you didn't like the replies you got before so changed your post to make your husband look guilty.

I'm pretty sure most people would give completely different advise to the two scenarios.

MyBrothersKeeper Sat 15-Nov-14 00:30:11

Enjoying the day wont be enough 'monty. Try and establish why youre insecure (weights a big one).

Have you ever watched them play their sports, do you see yourself as not the sporty type?

SelfLoathing Sat 15-Nov-14 00:36:08


exactly what I thought. Sounds identical but re-written in a different tone to omit all the slut/slag stuff which provoked the reactions.

Concernedmonty Sat 15-Nov-14 07:47:33

Thanks for your advice everyone! But I/DH or DS has never called anyone a slag. Iv said iv met the lady and chatted with her. Shes not a slag.
Im off now. I Dont appreciate being called a liar but thanks to those who gave good advice [thanks ]

Concernedmonty Sat 15-Nov-14 07:48:27

thanks even!

Vivacia Sat 15-Nov-14 08:14:54

I too thought about that other thread, but didn't feel the posting style was the same.

Anyway, things moved on, I tried to not be jealous and have met the woman a few times,

Well, that's all very well, but what did he do to deserve your forgiveness and regain your trust and respect??

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