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Just feeling shitty and low and can't see the light

(36 Posts)
ShouldISellTheHouse Fri 14-Nov-14 18:17:25

Ex left me in march. 2 ds, 6 and 3. He had been shagging his admin while me and ds2 were recovering from disasterous birth.
So here I am. Single parent. Work ft. No family support. He has ds 2 eves per week and 1 weekend day. My days are up early, mad dash, school run, work frantically in v pressured job all day (work shit ATM too), school run, tea bath bed cleaning TV bed do it again...
Worked together, split v public (my fault for putting details on FB day I found out, in temper but also to sae me having to tell people). Hear today this is still being gossiped about. In a city I hate in a house I hate but he won't permit me to sell and keep more than 50% equity to house dcs despite me having put all deposit in etc.
My life is going nowhere. I've looked at online dating - but don't want to go through with it. Feel horribly unconfident - mainly due to being v fat - size 24.
Another weekend ahead, cleaning, trying to be ok, nothing to look forward to.
He appears happy as larry and is clearly shagging around merrily.
When does it get better?

Vivacia Fri 14-Nov-14 18:22:01

It'll get better flowers

Would it help to have 2 or 3 days' respite, leave the children with him?

Vivacia Fri 14-Nov-14 18:23:02

(Sorry, I'm not very good with tea and sympathy sad )

ShouldISellTheHouse Fri 14-Nov-14 18:25:33

Thanks vivacia. I don't know - the ds are the only thing that makes me smile. My dad has dementia, mum totally taken up with him, no siblings, friends but no one v close. Been on anti depressants since ds2 born, I thought he was going to die, I've not recovered from that yet.

hamptoncourt Fri 14-Nov-14 18:53:16

Are you married? Did you have anything drawn up that proves you put deposit down for house?

Have you taken proper legal advice?

I would be inclined to say no amount of money is worth all this grief and just pack my bags and let him know when I got wherever I wanted to be.

You can still get house sold and get your share of equity eventually.

Life is short and you sound very unhappy. Time to take control back?thanks

Vivacia Fri 14-Nov-14 18:57:55

Have you had legal advice about the house sale?

Vivacia Fri 14-Nov-14 18:58:22

How would packing her bags help hampton?

hamptoncourt Fri 14-Nov-14 19:41:33

In a city I hate in a house I hate

That's why I suggested changing the scenery! OP also says her job is shit. I am struggling to see why she is staying to be honest.

Vivacia Fri 14-Nov-14 19:51:03

Because he's refusing to sell confused

hamptoncourt Fri 14-Nov-14 19:55:58

He doesn't have to sell for her to move out though does he? confused

Whether married or not, a solicitor will be able to advise you how to force the sale OP, but in the meantime if you are so unhappy with everything there, don't feel cornered into staying.

TiredAndConfused22 Fri 14-Nov-14 19:57:02

It will definitely get better but I know it's hard to believe that at the moment.. It's still early days really, if he only left in March - it's completely normal to be feeling so upset and down. I went though something similar and I saw a counsellor for a few sessions and she said to remember that it's a little like a bereavement (loss of a marriage, and a life together you thought you'd have), and that really only time helps.

Maybe you do need to take control and move house/area/job etc in the the next year or so, but I would caution against any hasty decisions when you're clearly in a bad place emotionally. Maybe start making plans and researching, but give yourself time to get your strength back first. Would it be worth getting your anti-Ds reviewed with the GP, or seeing if there is any counselling available? Hard To find the time I know, when you work full time and have no help with the kids. I believe there are charities, though, that will offer telephone or email counselling that you could do in there evenings.

Were you married? Just because that would obviously affect the issue the house equity and rehousing with the kids.

flowers x

Vivacia Fri 14-Nov-14 20:04:43

He doesn't have to sell for her to move out though does he?

I presume she can't pay rent/mortgage on two places.

hamptoncourt Fri 14-Nov-14 20:16:08

I see, well that is a big presumption.

She might be able to afford it.

He might move back in and pay the mortgage.

She may have family she can move in with.

She may own another property.

I think we are all trying to be helpful but sometimes I think people feel stuck and cannot see a way out when actually there is one. Maybe not a long term solution and maybe not an ideal one but a way out nonetheless. I left an unhappy marriage and borrowed money to rent whilst the divorce was sorted. I was so much happier once I got out!!!

I hate reading posts like OPs where the OP is just so unhappy and worn down. I really feel for you should I and hope you find peace and happiness soon.

Primadonnagirl Fri 14-Nov-14 20:23:25

You are absolutely right to be have been treated appallingly . But now you have a choice you turn that anger into energy to fuel you into making the decisions necessary to move on..or do you let it burn you out.? Believe me the best revenge you can have is demonstrating you are a strong person on your own and make decisive choices about what YOU want to happen next.

Vivacia Fri 14-Nov-14 20:26:57

A big presumption?!

You're saying she could move in with family, when she's already explained why she can't, and now you saying perhaps she could afford to run two houses or just move in to her other property!

We're both wanting the OP to have option, but you are describing a world I don't live in though. I hope for her sake that OP does.

ShouldISellTheHouse Fri 14-Nov-14 21:08:47

Thanks so much for the replies flowerswineflowers
I'm afraid I don't have any spare cash so can't rent somewhere else, or wait for equity to move on. My mum would put us up short term but the impact on my dad, who is utterly thrown by us visiting, means it wouldn't be a good idea.
I did get the free 30 mins legal advice and was told about a mesher order, but that means we have to stay put here. I made a big mistake a few months ago - I put the house up for sale, got an asking price offer within the week and told ex. He was instantly quoting his 50% to the penny and even rang up the agents asking how his money would be paid. Wouldn't listen that doing that means I can't afford to buy another home suitable for the three of us whereas he doesn't need a family home. So I took it off the market. But now he's got that figure in his head. He's always been a financial parasite, entitled, I see that now. I had the deposit written in to the deeds so it's sort of protected but even with that and 50% equity I wouldn't have a deposit which would allow me to buy anything other than a 1 bed flat.
No we weren't married.
I saw a job today, near my mums, same employer (I'm in public sector) but it would mean sorting the house issue, moving ds school and nursery, finding somewhere to live etc prob by start of jan. Seems impossible. And as much as I hate him ds love him. He doesn't deserve their love but they deserve a dad - they see him lots now, if we moved they wouldn't. Is it unfair on them?
I wish this had never happened to me. Having a really bad day sad

RandomMess Fri 14-Nov-14 21:15:19

How far away is your Mum? I would consider moving. Would your Mum be able to help financially until the house was sold etc.?

ShouldISellTheHouse Fri 14-Nov-14 21:34:15

She's 1 hours drive away. Yes she probably would help financially - I'm sure it would help her too for me to be near

RandomMess Fri 14-Nov-14 21:44:48

Okay well I'd be very tempted to do it. However he could object to the move and you may have to facilitate contact by you sharing the travelling for contact which is a long committment...

ShouldISellTheHouse Fri 14-Nov-14 21:49:44

At the moment he has it all his way except I won't allow overnights in his 1 bed flat with no proper fire escape and an unsafe window 3 floors up - which he smokes out of. He does school runs, comes into my home most mornings, one eve a week I stay out until 8 to allow him to do bedtime in my home. If I moved all of that would stop. But there's no reason why he couldn't move somewhere more suitable. A 2 bed flat wouldn't be much more rent and then he could do overnights.

notthatshesaid Fri 14-Nov-14 21:49:52

I would say this is the lowest point . It's shitter than a shittier thing but things will get better. They will. The dark evenings make things feel worse right now too.

Could you tackle just one thing to make you feel better? Your weight maybe? Or fill out a kick ass job application for the job near your mum's. It might be an upheaval, but your dp has done this, it's not your problem if he doesn't see your children quite so much. I think baby steps are the key here.

Do you have anything in the diary to look forward to? Could you think about putting something in?

RandomMess Fri 14-Nov-14 22:00:44

I think you need to put a stop to the daily visits - you need the distance/space from him. Let him take you to court, his place doesn't sound suitable.

RandomMess Fri 14-Nov-14 22:02:47

Does he genuinely want to be an involved dad or is this a way of controlling you?

ShouldISellTheHouse Fri 14-Nov-14 22:07:04

Notthat I was doing well low carbing, lost nearly 2 stones, then I got a nasty kidney infection and it stopped me. Reckon I've put it back on. I've been binging on crap, biscuits, chocolate, when kids in bed. I was feeling better when I was low carbing, it was positive. Thank you - I need to get back on it.
And you are right random - he did this to us. Can I find the strength to move us all though?

ShouldISellTheHouse Fri 14-Nov-14 22:11:21

Well he's always been full of how great it is to be a dad but then given what he's done to our family, it's clearly not a priority. Lots of people think he's controlling, colleagues have described him as a billy, there was some DV in the relationship - minor but still unacceptable. He pushed me on to the bed and got astride me, I thought he was going to punch me, when I was 4 months pregnant. I called the police which was a huge and embarrassing step given my job. He punched himself repeatedly in the face and gave himself a black eye.
Thanks for listening - it's helping flowers

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