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How long to wait before inviting a new man in to your house?

(31 Posts)
MoonshineWashingLine Fri 14-Nov-14 15:08:08

I've been chatting to a lovely guy (we met online) for months and we've now had 2 very enjoyable dates, I like him very much but it's hard to find time to meet up as I have dd (nearly 3) and limited childcare.
I really want to see more of him and the only way I can feasibly do that is by inviting him to my house - after dd is in bed of course.
I get a really good feeling about him, there's no way I would even consider letting some of the other guys I've had dates with anywhere near my house but I feel a definite spark with this one... i sense its going to go somewhere smile what do people think?

LineRunner Fri 14-Nov-14 15:13:43

Have you met any of his own circle yet?

Does he live near enough that you can invite him for supper and put a definite end time on it for him to leave by?

Do you have a friend who can ring and check up on you?

HumblePieMonster Fri 14-Nov-14 15:20:13

Don't invite him to your house at all. Put that out of your mind until your dd leaves home. You'll make your life much simpler.

SelfLoathing Fri 14-Nov-14 15:40:55

Wait until you know him better.

Doesn't matter what "vibe" you get off him, this is a man you barely know.
It's not a good idea to let someone into your home until you really trust him. What if your DD wakes up and comes downstairs? You'll have to explain some thing you don't want to.

Also, bare in mind that a lot of men will assume that an invitation into your home means sex is either on the cards or a real possibility.

Jan45 Fri 14-Nov-14 15:44:18

Ideally you shouldn't at this stage but I get that you are stuck for getting out so I would go for it, making it very clear it's dinner and does not include a stayover!

knowledgeispower Fri 14-Nov-14 15:55:21

I invited my current dating partner to dinner on the fourth date. I also have a dd (10) but she was away overnight. Can you arrange a date at other times? If he likes you and you don't feel 100% about letting him into your home he'll understand if tou explain.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair Fri 14-Nov-14 16:03:41

Humble seriously?! "Don't invite him to your house at all. Put that out of your mind until your dd leaves home. You'll make your life much simpler."

One of the reasons I left XH was because I was so lonely living with someone who didn't pay me any attention as I craved affection and physical comfort.

While I appreciate that introducing a string of random men into your DCs' lives isn't the way forward, not being able to share your life with a significant other for the next 20 years is unrealistic and undesirable for most people.

OP I'd say it's too soon at the moment, but once you get to know each other better and know that this is a long term thing then you can introduce your dd. Not just a 'sense' or a spark, but a proper solid relationship with discussion about where it's going, what you both want from it etc.

I'd probably do that outside of the house first, eg going to a park or out for something to eat to see how they get on. I know some people would say that you need to be with someone a year or more before introducing them to DCs, but in my mind, it is better to see how they behave with your dd, whether she likes him etc before it gets too serious. If you've invested a year into getting to know him you're less likely to listen to any niggling doubts you have when your dd meets him. Seeing how he reacts to bad behaviour, clinginess etc will tell you a lot about how he would fit into your family.

Does he have his own DCs? IME that's where most of the problems come into new relationships, so again, it's important that the DCs meet and get on if your relationship is going to progress at all. Yes, you could keep it to one night a week, out of your house, but that's not sustainable for most people and certainly wouldn't be enough of a relationship for me.

SelfLoathing Fri 14-Nov-14 17:16:31

not being able to share your life with a significant other for the next 20 years is unrealistic and undesirable for most people.

That's not what she said. She said don't invite him to your house. You can have significant relationships with people you don't live with and where you only stay over at theirs.

Vivacia Fri 14-Nov-14 17:27:26

This would be far too early for me. I think after two dates I wouldn't want them knowing my home address even if I didn't have kids, let alone coming 'round.

Lifeisforlivingkatie Fri 14-Nov-14 18:40:03

I am sure you can get a baby sister another few times. You must have friends who can have your DC overnight? You can do all the evening routine get her to sleep, then go to his. Once you know his home you can then let him come after DC is in Bed. Make a dinner date for 8.30pm.

hunterpark Fri 14-Nov-14 19:50:59

When I was a single mum I always preferred using babysitters than having boyfriends visit when dc were at home. It was more relaxing as I knew they'd be looked after and wouldn't have to worry about them waking up unexpectedly. Also meant I could have adult nights out rather than being stuck in - I found that kind of relationship gets stale pretty quickly and just ends up being about dinner/TV/sex. Even on a low income it's doable - babysitting swaps, childcare students etc.

MoonshineWashingLine Fri 14-Nov-14 21:37:20

Thanks for the replies, I think I'm going to hold off for a little while, at least wait till dd isn't here.
The only person who can have dd overnight is my mum, none of my friends have children let alone live in places suitable for children. Her dad can only have her in the day time at the moment. I guess I will have to be patient! Not a bad thing I suppose...

MoonshineWashingLine Fri 14-Nov-14 21:45:31

Also he doesn't have dc of his own so at least that's not an issue smile

I know where he lives already so I don't think it'll be an issue him knowing where I live... that would sort of be double standards wouldn't it?!

Lifeisforlivingkatie Fri 14-Nov-14 22:19:55

Good at least you know we're his lives. Off to granny DC so mum can make friends.

HumblePieMonster Fri 14-Nov-14 22:21:57

Humble seriously Yes, seriously. Any 'affection' you need you can get somewhere other than the home where your child lives.

Botanicbaby Fri 14-Nov-14 22:32:21

I completely agree with you humblepiemonster

wish to god my mother had been given that advice too.

seriously OP, after 2 dates? I just wouldn't.

Frogisatwat Fri 14-Nov-14 22:41:39

Humble and botanic? So I can shag outside my home for the next 10 years? A quick knee trembler in the lane before the babysitter is due to go home?
I know you are just being a wind up merchant! .
OP my friend is in a similar situation. Her boyfriend comes around when the children are in bed and leaves late ish. No overnight
stays unless the children are away
Its going so well that they are planning to meet each others children. So much better than ceasing your own life for 18 years.
Humble is a bit of a goady poster so ignore!

Frogisatwat Fri 14-Nov-14 22:44:02

Moonshine no harm in being patient and if he becomes impatient I would reconsider his position wink

d0ttyne11 Fri 14-Nov-14 22:50:02

What hunterpark said is really sensible. When I met my now DH 4 years ago I decided that if he was nice enough (he was!) then there was all the time in the world for having evenings in which could easily and rapidly become routine... So instead I made more effort to go and meet him out different places. If only for a walk and coffee or whatever to properly get to know him before he crossed the threshold! Think part of it was self protection. It had been so horrid when an ex boyfriend move out and left with half our joint possessions that I never quite felt home was homily again.... Anyway, If you're looking for timeframes, I'd suggest at least another 8 + dates (or wait til the Christmas tree's up and nice fairy lights on etc (sorry - I love Christmas. Who doesn't) smile

Botanicbaby Fri 14-Nov-14 23:27:00

frogisatwat I wasn't meaning it to come across like I am being a wind-up merchant.

I meant after 2 dates I wouldn't invite someone back to mine with DC at home. Suppose I am only relating it to my own bad childhood where I experienced this as a child.

Of course the OP should not put her life on hold for the next decade or more. Just think there is no need to rush inviting them into your and your DCs home tho. 2 dates is too soon.

Frogisatwat Sat 15-Nov-14 07:19:15

Its ok humble. But there is a difference between waiting a fair length of time and waiting until your children leave home.!

Vivacia Sat 15-Nov-14 07:42:09

that would sort of be double standards wouldn't it?!

It really wouldn't concern me, especially where my personal safety is at stake, and that of my children.

getthefeckouttahere Sat 15-Nov-14 08:53:02

your plan is fine. just don't get too carried away romantically on the sofa as sorting your clothing out in 5 seconds flat and dashing upstairs when you here any noise is sooooooo undignified!

Hissy Sat 15-Nov-14 09:09:06

don't be a twat op! after 2 dates? inviting into where your dd is sleeping?

wait until the relationship is established, exclusive and past the heady first days.

I say this as a single mum, no family, bugger all money and trying to date.

pay for babysitters.

MoonshineWashingLine Sat 15-Nov-14 21:15:18

Yeah I think I would be happy having him round if dd was at my mums, not while she's here just yet though.

Seen him again today (at his house and a walk in the park smile ) he has not long been back from travelling so he lives with his mum and sister at the moment, so not much privacy there! He should hopefully have his own place soon though. Paying for babysitters might have to commence soon!

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