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is this 'cheating' or just a bit of fun?

(74 Posts)
anonbf Fri 14-Nov-14 14:09:29

DH has a history of joining online dating sites to 'look' and sending messages to girls, both strangers on sex sites and friends on FB offering sex, dates and generally flirting. The first time I found out was because a friend approached me to tell me. He denied it, refused to show me his FB and we moved on but I decided to hack into his emails and FB and found many messages and emails to various women, many very explicit. He wasn't happy that I had invaded his privacy and insists he has never cheated and its just a bit of fun. This was all about 2 years ago and once we moved on I didn't think too much about it.
I've now found more messages as recent as last night to another friend on FB offering 'dinner and more' and reassuring the woman that 'the wife won't find out because I won't tell her'. I only know this because I've gone into his phone while he was asleep. It's password protected but I saw the code he put in the other day and took an opportunity last night to look.
I do believe he hasn't physically cheated by having sex with anyone else but feel just as cheated by his intimate messages and don't know what else to do to get him to stop. I also feel embarrassed and very hurt.
Need to talk to him tonight but don't know whether to admit I looked at his phone, kick him out......I just don't know. Any opinions to help me make sense of this.

dollius Fri 14-Nov-14 14:12:06

Really? Why would he offer "dinner and more" if he didn't intend to provide exactly that?

FGS, even if it is for kicks, your H is a sad loser.

Isn't that all you need to know?

nrv0us Fri 14-Nov-14 14:13:29

It's not so much an issue of whether or not it is 'cheating' (lots of people have different definitions of this) but rather of how it makes you feel and the fact that it's something he's done before and you've asked him to stop.

Chaseface Fri 14-Nov-14 14:13:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vitalstatistix Fri 14-Nov-14 14:15:50

why do you believe he hasn't had sex with someone?

He has certainly been trying hard enough to, for a very long time.

Is it that you don't want to believe that he has, despite the evidence?

CleanLinesSharpEdges Fri 14-Nov-14 14:16:52

First thing is be doing is booking myself an STI check. Second thing would be throwing his stuff into binbags and leaving them at the front door.

You should have done that the first time, sorry to be harsh, but you're a total doormat if you let him get away with this again.

loloftherings Fri 14-Nov-14 14:16:57

He needs a (metaphorical) slap.
Just a bit of fun?
Wow, what a cheek.
How would he feel if you did it? I'm guessing he'd think it was more than fun.
Not acceptable.

nrv0us Fri 14-Nov-14 14:17:18

There are definitely guys for whom the thrill of simply BEING on these sites -- putting out invitations, flirting, getting secret messages -- is enough (i.e. they truly will not take the next step of actually meeting up with anyone). The online interactions themselves, the covert nature of them, the anonymity and explicitness, scratch whatever itch others scratch by actually cheating in person. It is theoretically possible that your guy is one of these guys, but the point is that you have asked him to stop before and he has ignored you.

WalkWithTheLonelyOnes Fri 14-Nov-14 14:18:09

Well by letting him "get away with it" last time and him having no consequences why would he stop?

If I found out DP was doing this I'd kick him out faster than you can say "and more"

The fact that he assures her that you won't find out just shows how little of a shit he gives about you.

I would be surprised if he HASN'T shagged someone else.

AMumInScotland Fri 14-Nov-14 14:18:45

He's not going to stop. He knows you hate it, and he's kept right on doing it regardless.

The question is whether you're going to continue with a relationship with someone who doesn't give a shit about hurting you, or put an end to it?

I'm pretty sure I know what I would do in the circumstances, but I'm not you, so it has to be your choice of whether this is a deal-breaker for you.

LadyLuck10 Fri 14-Nov-14 14:19:59

The first foolish mistake you made was two years ago when you 'moved on' after finding his explicit messages to various women. He gave you a clear picture of what was to follow.
I don't even know why you're questioning this. He's probably sleeping with lots of women and you just haven't found out.
Seriously put yourself first and get rid of him. This is not what a decent, good man does.

Hissy Fri 14-Nov-14 14:20:21

Who the hell taught you in life that putting up with this level of crap in a man was a good thing?

why on earth do you tolerate this?

He needs to get told to pack it in, or pack up and leave.

pinkyredrose Fri 14-Nov-14 14:20:42

OP get your head out of the clouds. This man is making a fool out of you. Of course he's cheating! Wake up! Only stay married to this man if you're happy to be treated like a mug.

Joysmum Fri 14-Nov-14 14:23:20

Cheating, is when you hide activities you know cross your partners boundaries. Those boundaries won't be the same for all couples.

The fact is that he knows the cross the boundaries which is why the cheastard lies about it and you should get the fuck out of your relationship because his activities are more important than your needs and he doesn't respect you. sad

How could you ever trust a liar and somebody who is prepared to intentionally do something they know hurts you? People don't intentionally do things they know would hurt somebody they truly love.

Love is putting your partner before yourself.

ravenmum Fri 14-Nov-14 14:23:53

Isn't it enough that he's a manipulative, selfish fool? Do you need to know any more? Guess you could always join up too as someone else and make a date with him, see if he turns up!

Lweji Fri 14-Nov-14 14:24:15

Do you want to stay with this man?

If you don't, you don't have to justify leaving. Or you can. Never mind the invasion of privacy. You're not happy.

Lweji Fri 14-Nov-14 14:24:48

And have an STI check.

anonbf Fri 14-Nov-14 14:25:32

Thanks for your replies. Of course I want to believe him, doesn't that just make me human. I'm not trying to be a mug and I am and have previously just tried to do the right thing by me and kids. I do appreciate the honesty though.

nrv0us Fri 14-Nov-14 14:25:33

I remain willing to trust OP's instinct that he may not have physically cheated with anyone else (again, for many guys the online stuff is a kind of safe thrill, enabling them to put their hands on their hearts and 'truthfully' insist they are not unfaithful).

Not that this is OK, and an STI test might be wise.

PacificDogwood Fri 14-Nov-14 14:26:48

This does not sound like the kind of relationship I'd be happy in.

Are you happy?

LadyLuck10 Fri 14-Nov-14 14:30:06

The first time you found out a friend had to tell you! Didn't that humiliate you. Why did you just 'forget' about it??

You let him get off too lightly, and you've lowered the boundaries so it's too easy for him now. He has given you many red flags but you still want to believe him. hmm

tippytappywriter Fri 14-Nov-14 14:30:36

Oh dear. You need to talk to him. I'd tell him all I knew and that I'd looked at his phone. Might as well get it all out there. Sounds as if he has little respect for you. Feel sad for you. flowers

AMumInScotland Fri 14-Nov-14 14:37:30

If you want to keep trying, then I think you have to sit him down and have a serious talk. He doesn't get to be 'angry' about you looking at his phone and deflect the conversation onto that as if it made what he did somehow less important.
You need to tell him you've been worried about what he was doing, that you decided you needed to know, that if your relationship is to have any chance at all then this has to stop. Completely. And that he has to let you look at his phone etc any time you want because he has been behaving in ways which make it impossible for you to trust what he says.

He may bluster and carry on, but you need to stand firm.
Or else you are accepting that it's going to continue and you're going to live your life knowing that he is doing this and thinks his 'right' to do anything he likes is more important than showing even basic respect for his partner.

nauticant Fri 14-Nov-14 14:38:46

What outcome are you looking for OP?

nrv0us Fri 14-Nov-14 14:41:23

Do you have kids? How easy an exit could you make?

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