Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help me stop "waiting". So low.

(30 Posts)
Ticktockticktoc Fri 14-Nov-14 10:54:30

Name changed as a bit embarrassed to share how I really feel. I've posted about exbf before

I was in a relationship with a man who treated me badly. It was a classic EA situation - he was lovely to start with, like a dream Mr Right and then over time lost interest, started breaking dates, ignoring me, silent treatment etc. It was a very sexually charged relationship. I'm still in love with him. No idea why as he's a mean man but it's a deep rooted obsession.

We are no contact and have been for months. He finally pushed me too far so I told him I wasn't putting up with this any more. In the past we have had this kind of cycle, where we'd (Well him) would stop contacting me, then he'd re-emerge.

At the start, I felt very strong and powerful and all "right this is over". Over time, this has lessened and I now feel really down about the fact that he hasn't bothered to get in touch with me and try to get back with me.

It's got worse and worse. I am now really miserable (Depressed would be exaggerating but near that feeling). I am now at the point where I think about him all the time and check my email obsessively - hoping he'll get in touch. This is mental for all kinds of reasons - I'm better off without him, there's no reason why now he'd get in touch.

Anyway, my question is -

how do I snap myself out of these doldrums?
I feel like my life is on hold while I am waiting for him to get in touch with me.

Past cycles have shown this happens eventually. But right now I am torturing myself with thinking of him and how inadequate I must be for him not to want me.

I feel despairing of ever meeting anyone that I have that feeling for or chemistry with. And that even when I had it, it was with a man who thought I was worthless or not worth treating right.

Twinklestein Fri 14-Nov-14 11:15:52

You certainly won't meet someone you have genuine feelings for if you hang on to this bloke.

Make a decision to be pro-active in getting on with your life: either sign up for courses and hobbies etc, develop yourself and your interests; or invest time in looking for someone else.

You're only thinking about him because you're bored and feeling a bit lonely.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Fri 14-Nov-14 11:22:11

Fake it 'til you make it.

Plan a fortnight of doing all the things you would do if you were a fantastically happy singleton.

Seriously, for a couple of weeks, deliberately "play" at being not in the doldrums. Like an actor playing your life for a little while.

If you wait to feel good again before you start doing stuff then you'll be sitting in the doldrums forever.

Ticktockticktoc Fri 14-Nov-14 12:11:52

Thanks Twinkle and TheLittleOne

I think your right about me being bored and lonely. I spend all my time bumming around on MN reading everything on MN and checking my email repeatedly. I work from home a lot of the time and have no work on at the moment.

I feel so Blah and down that I can't seem to find the motivation to do anything.

LittleOne that's good advice and I know it. I can barely bring myself to get dressed right now. I know at the end of the day its my life and only me can get me up off the sofa. I can't seem to make myself do it.

I just wish I could stop this sense that I'm waiting for HIM to email me. I feel like my life has no color without him. I remember once reading a quote that said something like "why would you let a man live rent free in your head" and that's exactly what I'm doing.

I want him to want me I suppose. It makes me feel like dog poo that he doesn't.

ihatebats Fri 14-Nov-14 13:47:08

Block him on your email, phone etc so he can't contact you even if he wanted to and then get busy, ale plans etc

LadyLuck10 Fri 14-Nov-14 13:52:59

Tick you want him for all the wrong reasons. What you need to do is get busy! Start inviting friends around, take a walk, get involved in activities, watch a comedy, treat yourself to something nice, pick up a hobby, just fill you time with all good stuff smile

Once you make room for things that are worth it, you will think about him less and eventually stop thinking about him anymore. The cycle you describe is so unhealthy and you will only be unhappy. You owe it to yourself to have only the best. He's not the best for you if he makes you feel this way and treats you like this.

GoatsDoRoam Fri 14-Nov-14 16:18:51

Yup. Make yourself get out and do things. Replace the time and energy you spend on him with time and energy you spend on YOU.

Obsessing is never healthy. Give yourself something else to focus on. Something that you find fulfilling and meaningful. He's not the one who gets to validate your existence: you are.

something2say Fri 14-Nov-14 18:29:13

Look we don't all like the people who like us, and the ones we like don't always like us back. Grow up and realise that. You have to stop moo in about him, he wasn't that into you. You could waste some more self esteem on him, or you could accept it and put it behind you.

I am never in favour of replacing one with the other so I wouldn't advise that. Don't get onto dating sites as you might get upset at the lack of talent out there..... Just get up and do something around your own home. Start getting exercise, even a walk will do. Clean something out, do some chores. Anything to stop thinking about him and pissing about on the net. There is always always always another man.

Meanwhile, what about your actual life???

Springheeled Fri 14-Nov-14 20:20:36

Interesting- I could have written your post in a way. It's been months now. I think what is most upsetting is that if he did get in touch, there would be nothing to say really, I mean, you're either in someone's life or not.
Stupidest thing? If I mailed him tomorrow it would take a week or so of anguish, but he'd reply. Especially if I wrote a flattering message.
I see it as like giving up smoking.
It's no reflection on you- self worth comes from you, not him.

Munchkin08 Sat 15-Nov-14 00:24:13

Tick - your not the only one I feel the same xx

Springheeled Tue 18-Nov-14 22:31:46

Are you feeling any better? I do really wonder about this feeling- it's a bit like mourning a loss for me and yet there's no real reason to mourn and it's not really a loss of anything real ! But the dull ache is real. Life seems very grey.

Ticktockticktoc Tue 18-Nov-14 23:26:26

Springheeled

To be honest - NO - a big NO. I'm not feeling any better. But thank you for asking.

This evening I was at a very glamorous high profile social event. I'm not unattractive and I look OK - well I'm actually pretty attractive objectively. But at one point I was talking to a man (I was networking, he was married and it wasn't sexual) and a beautiful 20 year old tall blonde woman was introduced to him. He lit up like a Christmas tree.

I really thought OMG - I DO NOT KNOW how women can commit to any man to be honest. Men are so sexually driven and doesn't matter who the hell you are, there is always someone better suited to your partner than you - the classic sexist description would be younger, hotter, more intelligent. But that's not really the issue. There will always be a more attractive woman who matches up better than you do. And that's when people have affairs.

Maybe I've just been liquidized into an emotional soup of non-trust - but I'm tired of seeing married men -happily married men in most cases - trying to get off with 20 year olds in front of my face. Their wives are all sorts of "my husband is so faithful/such a great guy" and I'm thinking "really? you are utterly delusional" maybe you should come to a work event with him or come in disguise.

I'm feeling particularly shit because this evening there was a man I found v.attractive there but only because he looked like my ex-bf - which is a crazy reason to find someone attractive. Which spun me back into "why hasn't he called me; why does he not care".

But I left in a state of wonderment that any woman can actually get married and trust any man. I'm nominating myself for an Oscar for Cynicism.

Ticktockticktoc Wed 19-Nov-14 00:36:53

When I think of him it makes my heart skip a beat literally.

I really can't get my head round the fact that he has such a powerful effect on me but I mean nothing to him. I've never had this kind of experience.

somethingtosay

Look we don't all like the people who like us, and the ones we like don't always like us back. Grow up and realise that.

Really? To be honest, it has never happened to me that someone I have really liked -by which I mean feel intense chemistry with - has not liked me back. I think part of that intensity is because its reciprocal.

I've never been seriously attracted to a man who hasn't wanted me. I've never wanted a man I didn't end up with. But I'm not a ONS sort of person - I'm talking about relationships.

So its weird to have had intense sexual interaction with a man who then behaved badly and went AWOL. He was so into me at the start - at one point he said "I'm obsessed with you" and then ended up not even prepared to apologise.

Springheeled Wed 19-Nov-14 07:57:37

Very interesting to hear your experiences.
I am more than cynical about men, love, partnerships, myself these days. I thought I had found 'the one'- never been so blown away crazy for anyone. He was abusive and now has vanished. Hah!
In the last few years, apart from that, three men trying to cheat on partners with me. And one date who was way way too deep and intense to the point if being a bit scary. And that's it!
I just have to keep reminding myself that there is no complicated, fancy or medical reason why he hasn't been in touch- it's because he doesn't give a shit- NOT because he is ill, too heartbroken, trapped up a mountain, pregnant, married, snowed under with work.....

OliveGreen Wed 19-Nov-14 08:34:01

Ticktock..I have been going through something similar. The last line of your last post resonates with me massively. If you're on the Internet a lot, have you looked at some stuff about emotional manipulators/co-dependents etc? I've found it so helpful to read about what has felt, to me, like a sort of madness...why would we be obsessing about people who treat us like crap? Why do we expect so little from a relationship? As I move on a bit I realise that I would NEVER want to be friends with someone like "him", so why did I ever think I wanted to be in an intimate relationship with him???!!

MiniTheMinx Wed 19-Nov-14 09:46:26

He's a player who probably has a few women on the go, treating them all much in the same way, or he is a bit narcissistic. They both love getting women to love them, so they put on this fantastic early play for your attention, then start to play games and fuck with your head. The two phases are related in so much that, once hooked you become more hooked when they start to mess you around.

You can't win, if you go to them they are dismissive, if you play hard to get they chase until they win, then they drop...repeat...

Get busy and although its hard ( I know) try to focus on all the bad in him and remind yourself that he never really was the man you fell for, what you fell for was a charade and the manipulation of your feelings.

Ticktockticktoc Fri 21-Nov-14 21:11:23

MiniTheMinx

Yes - I'm sure he's a player. But for some reason all this focussing on how bad he is isn't really helping me.

I made my original post a week ago and my obsessing about him has increased during the week and is now fever pitch.

I have no idea where this has come from. Maybe it's because I just thought eventually he'd miss me and come crawling back and apologise. And now given how long its been I realise that its not going to happen.

The last time I saw him he came round for dinner for his birthday and I cooked him a spectacular Come Dine With Me 3 course super-effort. He raved about it and said how delicious it all was.

Then he behaved like a sh*t in an unrelated thing. I told him I wasn't going to put up with that and I expected an apology.

And that was it. Totally over. Not heard from him since.

I honestly don't know how we can have had such a fun evening and then I'm just so disposable that I'm not even worth a phone call.

This is made worse by the fact that as I said I work from home and have no work at the moment so I have a lot of free time to obsess.

I'm soooo obsessed with this and the fact he hasn't contacted me. There is part of me that is convince it will happen any day now, that
he will weaken and see the light.

I really hate myself. Why would he even want someone as pathetic as me?

I expect he's moved on to some kind of amazing attractive woman who wouldn't be caught dead moping around about him.

WHY would this obsessing be so bad right now? I mean this is a man I have had no contact with for literally months and months.

Ticktockticktoc Fri 21-Nov-14 21:14:22

As I move on a bit I realise that I would NEVER want to be friends with someone like "him", so why did I ever think I wanted to be in an intimate relationship with him???!!

Olive the rational part of my mind gets this. But it's not what I really think. I don't want to be his friend. I want to be his lover/partner/woman he cares about.

I don't think he cares about anyone really. I feel so rejected. He has before been so into me- or seemed to be.

It's that total silence , not even bothered to call me.

LadyBlaBlah Fri 21-Nov-14 22:37:05

Oh I've been there.
Unlike the pp I found dating did actually divert my attention. It helped a lot...."best way to get over someone is get under someone else"

Doesn't work for everyone I know that. You have to be pretty 'breezy' about it.

And anyway, a year later I get a barrage of messages from assclown offering heartfelt apologies, begging to see me, missing my 'amazing company'.
And guess what? I just found it pitifully hilarious. He'd clearly been dumped by someone. I know it was actually NOT TRUE that he thought something of me...he is incapable of actually attaching with someone. So there was pleasure in ignoring and not feeling anything when he crawled back expecting me to run gratefully back in his arms.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 21-Nov-14 23:21:41

He sounds unavailable. Are you sure he isn't married? You sound to me like an OW who has come to the sad realisation that the man she loves she will never have.

I'm sorry if I'm wrong about that and I don't want to derail your thread but the angst and misery and obsession with feeling obsessed seems to me to come from more than a relationship that hasn't worked out. Your post on 18th Nov, 23:26 seems a bit odd from your original OP.

Regardless though, the only way through this is to keep going and, if your days aren't busy, make them so.

Ticktockticktoc Fri 21-Nov-14 23:34:30

Yes - LyingWitch - he's not married. He just has a lot of options (he's a bit of a catch really) and never let me forget it. I remember a friend saying to me "you shouldn't treat him like a priority when he treats you like an option."

I'm sure the reason he hasn't contacted me is because he's dating someone hotter and younger and less likely to complain about his transgressions.

I challenged him and said I wouldn't put up with it. And he acted like "fine. I'm done with you". That's how it feels. He must be f.cking someone else. And moved on super fast. I don't know for sure as we have no real mutual friends but that must be it. I know what he's like.

My problem isn't really whether he is or isn't with someone new. My problem is getting this brain weevil out of my mind.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Fri 21-Nov-14 23:37:27

I have written actual physical lists before, of why a certain someone was not worth me being so upset about, and posted copies of them where I have no chance but to see them several times a day (kitchen, bathroom, next to the front door) to keep reminding myself of all the shitty things about them/the relationship. Only slightly embarrassing when I forgot about them when a friend came round grin but it worked, as whenever I found myself dreaming about wishing we were still together, there would be written on the wall in front of my face cold, hard facts about why that was a really terrible idea.

As a currently fairly happy singleton, having been treated pretty shittily several times in the past few years, I can only echo what others have said and all the old cliches. Live your life for yourself - stop beating yourself up and work on really loving yourself and treating yourself well - get busy, do all the stuff you want to do, just for you. You can't change other people, but you can control your reaction to them.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Fri 21-Nov-14 23:40:32

no chance = no choice. doh.

Tick you called yourself pathetic, you're clearly not as you refused to put up with bullshit from this person. Good on you.

AWholeLottaNosy Fri 21-Nov-14 23:48:34

OP please have a look at the Baggage Reclaim website. I think it will really help you. Lots of great advice and support there. 2 years ago I ended a relationship with someone I loved very deeply but he was causing me so much pain I knew I had to end it. I felt I would die with the pain for about 3 months. I read that website obsessively and it helped strengthen my resolve to stay NC and to know I'd done the right thing. It does take time sadly but you will get to a more calm and peaceful place. flowers to you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 22-Nov-14 01:06:28

Ok TickTock but I disagree with you that he's any sort of 'catch'. People who have options genuinely have no need to damage the esteem of others in trying to prop up their own. He sounds exactly like a waste of time who isn't big enough to apologise nor talk straight with you.

That isn't any kind of reflection on you, it's on him. What is it about this man that has you so in his thrall that you can't focus on anything else?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now