Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How can i fix my mistake - hurt my DP(47 Posts)
I've been with my DP for a year and living together for 4 months. Its been a pretty intense relationship, depths of feelings on both sides are way above anything we've ever felt before (both had 10+year long marriages previously) and we admit that sometime we don't handle the feelings very well and both of us get jealous, anxious and insecure. Neither of us had these issues in previous relationships, for me I guess I didnt' really care enough to be insecure....
Anyway, we've had a tough couple of weeks and my DP has been very distant. He's been getting a lot of hassle from his ex wife and issues with the kids (they don't like that i exist, convinced I'm stopping them getting back together). I tried and tried to reconnect with him, get him to talk and on Monday i had a pique of 'well if he doesn't value me, someone will' and signup to a dating website. I put up the profile and then thought nothing of it. Messages came in but i ignored them. Of course my DP found the profile as he was using my ipad (I'm not very good at lying so hadn't deleted anything....). He's gutted. Can't understand how i would be looking for someone else - i wasn't, just looking for some attention (pathetic i know). He's very very angry, very very hurt and just confused as to why i would do that. I think he's going to leave but at the moment I'm fighting tooth and nail to try and fix it. he feels like I've thrown everything back in his face. is jealous that other men would even have seen my profile and thought about me being available for dating. I'm taking his anger, apologising a lot and trying to explain. I guess I'm posting to ask what else i can do? I know I've made a huge mistake but this man is worth it and I'll do anything i can to fix this.
You both sound like a complete nightmare. Being jealous and insecure and anxious and arguing freuqently is not the sign of true love you know - unless you're 14!
And frankly if it's this hard work after a year, it ain't going to get any better.
PLus, I'll add my costant refrain...8 months is not long enough to get to know someone well enough to move in together. Especially when there are children involved.
I don't get how deep, real love equates with jealousy and insecurity . Isn't it the opposite? The relationship you describe doesn't remind me of deep, loving relationships, it reminds me of the adolescent, push-pull, game-playing type.
I'd let him go and give both of you a chance of having a healthy relationship with someone else.
However, I doubt this is what will happen. You will prostrate yourself as much as you possibly can and he'll twang back.
Wow OP, that was just about the stupidest thing you could have done. Maybe you should just call it a day now if that is the sort of thing you do when the going gets a little bit tough. It would be a deakbreaker for me as I would think you weren't committed and would be prepared to look elsewhere when things weren't going how you want. If I were him, I would have packed a bag. You sound childish!!
Deep feelings of a good kind should not result in insecurity and anxiety.
And what worth do those feelings have if you demand attention when he is going through a difficult time? With his children, for goodness sake!
Stop now dancing all round him 'trying to make it up to him' and this demanding yet more attention , and give whatever support he needs to deal with his problems. Selflessly. Supportively.
But the issue is not what you did, it's the whole dynamic.
This sounds awful and ridiculous.
You both rushed into living together; have confused whatever it is for something it isn't; and you're playing head fuck mind games by signing up to dating websites and letting him borrow your ipad knowing he could find it.
I totally understand where you're coming from, in the early days of our relationship I was jealous and insecure, 20 years on we're about as solid as you can be but I still have my moments occasionally.
Jealousy and insecurity comes from a lack of self esteem, rather than a lack of trust in your partner. I could never understand why my DH would want to be with me rather than anyone else.
It's taken effort from both of us to overcome our insecurities and truly appreciate that we mean the world to each other. Having said that, I'm afraid if either if us had done what you did it'd be game over.
All you can do is hope he's willing to work with you to fix your issues. That starts from being as kind as you can be to each other and treating each other as you'd hope they'd treat you so lots of little gestures everyday, rather than big grand gestures and thoughtlessness the rest of the time.
Clearly you made a huge error of judgement, which you obviously recognise. I don't quite know how you come back from that, but you're obviously in a very sad place at the moment . I would suggest trying to work out why on earth you did that - it seems a strange response, and clearly not one he can fathom, and my heart goes out to him.
While I disagree with the statement above that 8 months is too soon to move in together (we got married more quickly than that and it was undoubtedly the best decision we ever made), it does sound like there was a lot of negative energy in your relationship before you did this. I'd suggest you try to work through that, either through talking to friends, a counsellor, or (if he's willing) with your DP. But, essentially, you have to take responsibility for your actions.
intense, drama filled, infatuation based relationships do not and cannot last long term.
It burns out! It's not something you can have (or would want to have!) for a lifetime. Imagine having that crap to deal with when you're 80!
You just have to hope that when that (frankly god awful sounding) stage has passed, that you have a solid foundation as a couple on which to build a life together.
So don't worry that you are losing something, think that you are gaining something sustainable in the long term.
It's probably time to have a serious discussion about the relationship and about the future and dial down the drama. Instead of fighting tooth and nail and depth of feeling like nothing ever before and all that, put on your dull old adult hats and talk about the boring relationship stuff and how you interact as a couple and what you both want from the relationship and for the future.
Sounds like a really immature relationship to be honest....you've only known each other a short time. If you loved each other you wouldn't exist in this way. You have shown him how you act it's up to him I guess ....he probably hates all the drama....I would.
To be honest if it was the other way around and you had found him on dating sites.... I'm sure there would have been an air of ltb about it all.
Oh you wally. How hurt must he be. Right now he has every right to be upset. Apart from admitting you were being ridiculous and offering him complete access to your phone and iPad for the foreseeable future, I don't know what to suggest. Definitely examine why you both trigger those jealous anxious feelings in one another.
I think you both had very long, very stable marriages and now you're both getting off on some sort of adolescent push/pull high-emotion frenzy. Which would be fine, if there weren't children involved.
In terms of the dating sites, that was a really, really horrible thing to do. It would absolutely be an appropriate response to leave you - it would certainly be a deal-breaker for me. In terms of how you fix things - if they are fixable - I think you need to ask your DP what he wants from you and take it from there. You need to rebuild his trust, if that's possible.
Um, I wouldn't forgive you - even though I might believe what you say about your motives but because I wouldn't want to be involved with someone with the emotional maturity of a 12 year old.
Sorry. I don't think you and he are bringing out the best in each other at all.
How bizarre You have a rough couple of weeks together, so you sign up to a dating website? Really?! You've both been married before for 10 years - you sound like a stroppy teenager, tbh.
if you were posting that your dp had signed up to dating websites and told you that he'd never actually read any of the messages no-one on here would believe and it and would be urging you to ltb pronto.
Some level of insecurity can be normal. What isn't however is chucking your toys out of the pram and signing up to dating websites when you're not getting attention. That's not understandable or justifiable on any level. You clearly can't be trusted and your dp would be better off cutting his losses and moving on to something resembling a more normal relationship.
You've been with someone a year. You've signed up to a dating agency. There's jealousy and arguments. It's all a bit pubescent, isn't it. You need to split up now rather than drag out the inevitable, and take time to grow up. You sound awful.
Sorry, but if I were him, I'd be out of the door. This is DTB stuff. ("DTB" male equivalent of "LTB")
You're getting a bit of a kicking here, OP. I hope it hasn't scared you off. I think you know that what you did was really hurtful to him and it may be that you won't be able to make it up to him.
One thing I don't understand is why you signed up to the dating site. You said you did it and then didn't give it a second thought. So did you just do it to "get it out of your system" and then immediately forgot you had done it/didn't think about it anymore? I struggle a bit with the logic of that, to be honest. But if you can explain why you did it to him then I guess in time he might be able to put it behind him and move on.
If, on the other hand, you did it in the expectation that he would find it or because you might actually follow up on it if he didn't change his behaviour towards you then it's really poor behaviour on your part and you probably ought to let him go on his way if that's what he wants.
So, I'm guessing you signed up to the dating agency as revenge for his short term lack of attention, and to hurt him.
You need to unravel your thinking and behaviour and regain some control over yourself. Try and use this destructive action of yours to gain some personal insight and to grow (up).
Good God this sounds awful! True love is not about jealousy and feeling insecure and craving attention so badly you go on dating sites! It's not about fighting and arguing and tears.
You don't sound happy together as it stands and you rushed into a lot. Please don't say he moved you in and has his kids to stay over???
You sound as if you're each other's 'revert back to being teenagers' rebound.
It doesn't sound like the great all or nothing love you describe - sounds like you're trying to convince yourselves it is, which is understandable when you have both had marriages that have failed - especially with children involved.
I think it's common in this scenario for people to feel a deep need to tell themselves that it's ok, because you've moved on to something better, soooo much better.
The reality is, there doesn't seem to be much real deep love there, in any sense. Getting pissed off and signing up to dating websites because his attention is on his children? That's 'deep feelings?' No it isn't - if you really had the solidity and security of proper love and care, you wouldn't have felt any need to do that at all.
I think you should both cool it a bit. Not saying you won't stay together, but I think you're both using the 'Greatest Love Of All' story to paper over lots of understandable cracks in both your lives and emotional landscapes. You've both been through a lot, maybe take some time to acknowledge it. Step back.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.