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The parents want to see me...but I don't want to see them.

(96 Posts)
CaulkheadUpNorth Thu 13-Nov-14 18:53:05

anyone free for a bit of hand holding or generally telling me what to do? Kicks and pull-yourself-togethers welcome too.

I've posted before about the parents in stately homes. Mother with ms, as well as general p a stuff. Historic sexual abuse with the step father. They live 300+ miles away, including a ferry journey. In the spring I was at a family gathering and the step father began making "how's your pussy" type comments. I walked out. We've had little contact since then, mainly fortnightly phone calls. This is too much for me, not enough for then.

Now they are wanting to see me. They've been asking since June time and I've said I'm busy, but have now agreed to go between Christmas and new year.

I'm currently three weeks out of hospital following an od. I don't feel strong enough to do most stuff, still quite low. The family know nothing about this.

I don't want to see them. But if I cancel and don't, they will be upset and angry. But if I go, the worry and anxiety about seeing them makes the whole trying-to-feel-better thing harder.

So I have no clue what to do. I don't want to go, but I also don't want to hurt them by cancelling as we've never discussed why I don't see them much.

What would you do if you were me? Go? Or cancel?

Joysmum Thu 13-Nov-14 19:00:10

There's historic sexual abuse by the step father, there's current issues with 'pussy' comments.

They'll be upset and angry if you cancel.

So what? Since when were they more import than you?

BrucieTheShark Thu 13-Nov-14 19:00:56


Don't go. If I were you not only wouldn't I go, but I would be NC with them. Though I know that's easy to say without knowing the ins and outs. But add to that your current situ and fragile state - you MUSTN'T go.

He sexually abused you and starts with comments like that and yet you are still expected to play happy families? Nonononono

SmilesandPilesOfPresents Thu 13-Nov-14 19:03:46

Don't go.

If they get the arse about it, sod 'em. They haven't done you any favours and you owe them nothing.

Don't go.

Bumpedbonce Thu 13-Nov-14 19:04:15

Don't go, there is no benefit to it

Thegreatunslept Thu 13-Nov-14 19:04:49

Do not go for your own sake.
If they don't like it well tough that's life sometimes.
You need to protect yourself and stay well not visit them because it's what they want.

CaulkheadUpNorth Thu 13-Nov-14 19:04:49

Thank you for getting through what turned into an epic post!

I'd love to be NC with them. I know it would hurt mum due to her not knowing the history and I feel like I can't do that to them. I tend to just ignore calls and texts for as long as I can but that's as far as it goes currently.

Icantwaituntilxmas Thu 13-Nov-14 19:05:31

Don't go. Look after yourself and take care. You've had a bloody awful time and you don't need to be dealing with frankly awful sf. flowers

Quitelikely Thu 13-Nov-14 19:05:45

Do not go. Forget about these people. Tell them never to contact you ever again. If they do you will go to the police and tell them you are being harassed.

Vivacia Thu 13-Nov-14 19:06:16

I tend to just ignore calls and texts for as long as I can but that's as far as it goes currently

I think it's time to do something different.

Hatespiders Thu 13-Nov-14 19:06:52

They'll be upset and angry?? So??? This man sounds disgusting. My parents were abusive and I think the only way forward for your own dignity and peace of mind is to go NC. You obviously don't actually want any contact, so why put yourself through it? Does your dm know about these 'pussy' comments?
You have your health and well-being to consider, not theirs.
Wishing you a speedy recovery and better health OP.

CaulkheadUpNorth Thu 13-Nov-14 19:06:54

The mother cannot do anything for herself, but even if I could see her alone I don't want to because of her general attitude. Does that make sense?

fusspot66 Thu 13-Nov-14 19:07:12

Just do what keeps you well. Avoid toxic people.

Hissy Thu 13-Nov-14 19:08:12

don't have any more contact, block them from your phones and erase them from your lives.

your dm knows. trust me.

no to christmas, no to phone calls, and no to contact.

I think you'll find your depression lifts when you remove their poison from your life.

keep talking.

we're not going to let you go up for christmas, know that, ok? smile

CaulkheadUpNorth Thu 13-Nov-14 19:08:23

Dm knows re the comments. She laughs them off, says they are his sense of humour. She knows nothing of the historic stuff, except one comment when I was around 14 when she asked if I minded how much he hugged me...

Theherbofdeath Thu 13-Nov-14 19:09:14

Is there no way you can explain the situation to your mum? And then stay in touch with her on her own? Hard, I know.

CaulkheadUpNorth Thu 13-Nov-14 19:09:19

Thank you all for sitting in this with me.

GoodSouls Thu 13-Nov-14 19:09:38

What either of them want does not matter at all. If your mother has made her choice to stay with that man that's her fault, her doing.

You do what helps you and you alone, wishing you strength for the weeks to come.

SmilesandPilesOfPresents Thu 13-Nov-14 19:10:07

You don't want to see her because of her general attitude? Then why are you so concerned about what she's feeling if you go NC?

Bloody do what you feel like doing and listen to your own feelings for a change. You need to do what is best for YOU because they won't by the sounds of it. It's time to look after yourself and that means doing the hard things to make your life easier and better for yourself.

CaulkheadUpNorth Thu 13-Nov-14 19:11:24

She has had ms for 40+ years and currently can't do much alone. When we talk it's on speakerphone as she can't hold the phone, and she uses a talking program to send emails. The majority of her contact is telling me how depressed she is/misses me/sad the step father isn't doing the stuff she wants

fusspot66 Thu 13-Nov-14 19:11:25

Don't be guilt tripped by them. Sounds like mother let you down long before she became disabled and has chosen her comfort and care over you. Leave her to it. You deserve better. If a stranger made a lewd comment to you, you would report it to the police. This is no different.

fusspot66 Thu 13-Nov-14 19:13:29

And I think she knows about him.

SmilesandPilesOfPresents Thu 13-Nov-14 19:13:42

So all the talk is about her. Has it always been like this? Does she take any notice in you at all? Obviously not or she would have twigged that you were being abused.

Don't be guilt tripped by her illness, it's her problem to deal with, not yours.

CaulkheadUpNorth Thu 13-Nov-14 19:14:53

Smiles - yes, always been like that. She encouraged me to miss school to look after her. I genuinely thought it was like that for everyone until I was about 15.

TrousersSchmowsers Thu 13-Nov-14 19:15:06

Oh OP you are showing such gratitude for the concern you're being shown. That's lovely, but it also suggests to me that you have had precious little experience of being cared for in your life. Don't go, and please be open to believing that your life would be greatly improved by ending contact.

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