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New contact with my estranged father. Why do I feel so crap?

(6 Posts)
lapoubellerose Thu 13-Nov-14 15:23:37

I have recently made contact with my birth father for the first time, and am having what seems to be the opposite problem to what many have described here. My parents separated amicably after my conception and I have no feeling of anger towards him. We met for the first time a few months ago and I had a really positive response from my father, who is now very keen to keep in touch and is coming on quite strong with his desires to have an ongoing relationship.

I have contacted lots of adoption agencies to ask for support, but am not eligible but I got some advice from one about planning a first meeting; things like don't go to a pub first, keep it short and light-hearted, don't introduce other friends and family etc. I think I inadvertently did everything wrong. We DID go to the pub, talk about fairly heavy topics, he met my friends and partner, and it was all very intense.

I am now struggling to respond to his enthusiasm as I am feeling horrible about the whole affair and can't quite understand my feelings. I have spent some time looking up about adoptees' stories, but haven't found anyone with a similar problem.

Apologies, I know that for some people who were rejected by their fathers this might seem like a weird problem to have and I am surprised at myself after so long of hurting because I imagined that he would reject me again. but now I have had what most people dream of, I am in pieces and can't understand what I am feeling.

I am so worried about hurting him, which seems ironic after he was the one who left.

lapoubellerose Thu 13-Nov-14 16:05:57


windchimes23 Thu 13-Nov-14 16:24:28

I met my birth father when I was 27. I was expecting rejection but quite the opposite happened. I found him to be very needy, I was interested and wanted to know my history. He wanted a daughter, I am his daughter but only by birth. The whole thing ended quite badly as he just wanted more from me than I was willing to give.

I don't want to talk out my private life publicly on here as I would probably be easily identifiable.

If you would like to PM me I'd be happy to share my story.

lapoubellerose Mon 17-Nov-14 13:30:35

Thank you ItIsntReallyReal, I've sent you a direct message.

Meerka Mon 17-Nov-14 16:10:14

Hi again lapou smile

Was adopted myself, found birth mother and birth father at 18.

In this situation where you are struggling to cope with his keenness, or your own feelings have changed, I think the best thing you can do is actually to be direct, pleasant and honest.

"It's been lovely to meet and it's given me lots to think about. Maybe you feel the same? I hope you will understand if I take a bit of time to take it all in"

If he keeps contacting you, then you would have to ask him to leave it for a bit until you are ready to contact him.

Btw it really is a good idea to take time. Finding a birth-parent is quite a big experience and exactly what you say, feelings end up all over the place. Half the time I wasn't sure what I felt at all for quite some time.

Meerka Mon 17-Nov-14 16:11:07

... Mumsnet have dumped this in Mental Health for some reason. It might be an idea to ask for it to be moved to Relationships! smile it'll get seen by many more people there

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