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Who manages your relationship with your in-laws, you or DH?

(29 Posts)
aglassofpinotsolvesit Thu 13-Nov-14 14:07:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Windywinston Thu 13-Nov-14 14:23:54

Every family is different, horse for courses and all that.

My personal preference is the same as yours, but funnily enough my PIL contact me for everything too. I even get messages saying "can you ask Mr Windy xyz" even when they know we're both apart at work.

I find it odd, but I don't think they mean anything by it, it's just their normal iyswim. Partly in my case I think it comes from them being very traditional and seeing me as the person responsible for organising my partner, which is ridiculous as I can barely organise myself outside work, but it's just how they are. It's irritating and sometimes I ignore them, but I admit that's just me being childish. I have no words of advice other than to accept it for what it is or speak to your DH/PIL and explain that you're both busy and you can't be responsible for everything all the time.

Meerka Thu 13-Nov-14 14:33:15

couple of options:

- ask them outright why they aren't arranging things with DH instead of you. (It can be done nicely. Are they still of the mindset that it's the woman's role to manage the social relations, a la 1950's?)

- talk to your husband and plan how to handle it. Every time they contact you, turn to your husband and ask him to take the lead "darling, are we free that day?"; "darling, your parents would like to come over XXX" and let him make the decision. Very obviously give the impression that he's the decision maker. If they keep on asking you, start saying "I'm not sure, can you ask DH?".

Either way I don't think it's for them to bollock you at all. I'd suggest you give them a neutral but very firm explanation that you don't pick up mails, that's the way you do things and that if they want contact rapidly, contact DH direct. If they still get rude with you, block them. That simple. You're a grown woman, not an 11 year old.

Vivacia Thu 13-Nov-14 14:38:08

This is fairly normal in both our families, but it was a route I wasn't going to take, seeing how it effected my female relatives.

BarbarianMum Thu 13-Nov-14 14:46:27

I prefer to be the point of contact regarding arrangements to eat, meet or regarding the kids cause dh can be quite forgetful and his family are experts in evolving complicated 3 way arrangements full of miscommunication and misunderstanding. They are lovely though so I don't mind.

sliceofsoup Thu 13-Nov-14 14:47:08

We each deal with our own families in this house. Occasionally MIL will phone me if she can't reach DH but thats it.

Its always been like that, though before our wedding it wasn't as extreme. After they didn't act so great around the wedding (and FIL has become increasingly more rude towards me as I am now part of the family) I have completely given up with them. I usually ignore if they try to contact me and just tell DH to call them back.

PlumpingUpPartridge Thu 13-Nov-14 14:51:32

We each deal with our own. Always. We're both very happy with that!

Your ILs are acting weird.

zerotolerancezone Thu 13-Nov-14 14:54:02

DH's family have tried to go through me before but I've stood my ground and have ignored.

When DH asked his grandma why she'd tried to arrange things via me rather than him, she said all the men in the family were useless! What, those ones that you married and gave birth too...

I don't do birthday or Christmas cards for him or any of that stuff. He's quite capable.

FelixTitling Thu 13-Nov-14 14:57:13

Funny, I was going to say we all communicate fairly equally but now I've thought about it, dh very rarely arranges anything directly with my mum and I can't remember ever arranging anything directly with fil.

I suppose I tend to deal with my family and dh deals with his, though there is a fair amount of crossover.

GoatsDoRoam Thu 13-Nov-14 15:19:03

It's one of the wifework tasks, with many people still identifying the woman as a family's social secretary.

Just systematically refer them to your DH when they send you these kinds of messages.

feelingunsupported Thu 13-Nov-14 15:28:15

Totally depends - my dad and dp get on really well and often go to the local to watch footy together. Sometimes dad will text / ring me to ask if dp is going to the pub (cos he knows that sometimes dp will say yes when we have plans and I have to kill him a bit)

MIL sometimes rings me to ask if we're free for them to call in, sometimes she rings dp.

We all get on well though which makes contact easier.

minisafari Thu 13-Nov-14 15:47:09

I've never had any contact with my ILs except through DH. I'm not sure if they even have my mobile/email details. I deal with my family as well, they don't have much contact with DH. We all get on well enough, but we all prefer dealing with the people we're related to.

CheersMedea Thu 13-Nov-14 16:03:30

My DH does mostly but I like my PIL and get on fine with them. Until you'd asked the question I'd never thought about it!

I suppose I tend to manage social invitations from us - ie. I call them. I think that if they want something my MIL generally tends to call my DH.

But honestly, I'd never noticed.

holeinmyheart Thu 13-Nov-14 16:48:28

I call my son's wives because their wives control my sons social calendar. In the past I have text my sons and asked them if they would like to do this or that They answered in the affirmative and then when I got going with the organisation, I received a further text to say that the activity wasn't on because their wives had other commitments.
It puts me, as a PIL in a cleft stick really , as if I only call my sons I may be thought to be uncommunicative by my DILs.

I would never ever be rude to my DILs if they didn't reply though, I wait.

aglassofpinotsolvesit Thu 13-Nov-14 16:57:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

googoodolly Thu 13-Nov-14 17:09:19

DP deals with his parents, I deal with mine, but sometimes his parents will ring me (or mine will ring him) if they can't get hold of the other person and need to tell us something important.

But he never arranges anything with them without telling me, and I do the same. Mine live six hours away though, and his two hours, so it's not like they can just pop over!

toomanywheeliebins Thu 13-Nov-14 17:48:30

I was thinking about this the other day. The inlaws contact me constantly rather than DH despite the fact that I always refer them to him. They did me a favour earlier in the week and picked up a poorly child from nursery. The next day I was in work meeting 9-12 and by the time I got out I had a text message, a missed call and an email hmm. DH hadn't been called. Drives me mad

Yarp Thu 13-Nov-14 17:51:18

What Goats said

It is an old fashioned default to go through the wife

Hole

i sympathise. i think this happens to my mum (are you my mum?).

Yarp Thu 13-Nov-14 17:54:21

Hole

thinking about it more, i think you should persist in approach to your sons though. They should be mature enough to consult with their wives before answering. ( i have two sons)

BaffledSomeMore Thu 13-Nov-14 17:58:15

MIL deals with DH usually and we have a calendar for him to check.

Mrsgrumble Thu 13-Nov-14 18:00:10

Dh rings his mother and all contact is between them but I am very find of mil so we often ring each other for chats but dh mainly does.

Also dh sorts his families Christmas presents and cards out but signs them from us all

Cameochick11 Thu 13-Nov-14 19:30:13

My in-laws always expected me to remember everything about their family - birthdays, anniversaries etc - even for people I hadn't met, got addresses for, or hadn't seen for several years. And as I'm shite about remembering these things for even my own family, I almost always forgot most things. Then mil would ring my DH and ask if I'd forgotten! (Never him ....) She even got us a calendar, pre-marked with these dates on. But it continued to be my fault when cards didn't go in the post. And she never talks to me or DGCs, only her beloved son, who frankly doesn't give a shit about things. In the end, he got firm with her, and said it was nothing to do with me, so she needed to pack it in. Now he has to remember, and is always in trouble for using Moonpig ('that's not your writing, couldn't you be bothered to write it yourself' etc etc). Haha, I'm well out of it!

hamptoncourt Thu 13-Nov-14 19:31:15

I agree it is a wifework issue and your PILS consider you to be some kind of social secretary.

Think about it, do they expect you to write his Christmas cards etc? Buy his mothers birthday present?

Ignore their reaction and just stick to your way of doing things. They will either get it eventually or they won't - not your problem.

Chunderella Thu 13-Nov-14 19:41:08

DH, although as they live in a different country we have to both agree visit dates. Birthdays etc are all him because he is good at that sort of thing and I am shit.

AnotherFurry Thu 13-Nov-14 19:48:51

We do our own but MIL tried at first to go through me all the time but I quickly put a stop to that. It drives me mad that it is often expected to be another job that I should do because I have a vagina rather than a penis angry

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