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Boyfriend went AWOL

(65 Posts)
VIX1307 Thu 13-Nov-14 13:23:41

Hi guys,

This is my first post here, so I hope you lovely ladies can help!
I've been with my boyfriend for a year now (official for 7 months). I'm 28 and he's 32.

He's never been a particularly great texter but I will always hear from him a few times a day.

I saw him at the weekend as usual and everything was great. Tuesday he was a bit off. Not responding or doing so in short answers which often happens if he goes into a man mood.

Yesterday he went completely AWOL. I didn't hear from him all morning (no response to my last message from the previous night) so I messaged him a little good afternoon message at about 1pm which he read straight away and ignored. By the time 11pm came and my bed time I still hadn't had a response so I messaged him again saying 'Just got in from a meal out with the girls (this was true) and how did his awards ceremony go for work?'

I went to sleep then and woke up again this morning to no message, despite me sending it at 11pm and his last online time being 2am, so he had seen it.

He was at work all day yesterday, then heading straight on to an awards ceremony, but he was showing as online a fair few times. I think it must take 2 seconds to shoot a quick reply and I've never gone a day without hearing from him so I thought this was a little off.

So anyway today he messages me saying how was the meal? Now I have no idea whether to just answer and act like everything is fine or is this showing him that it's fine to ignore me? I don't want to sound like a nag.

Should I mention it?

I wouldn't mind so much if he wasn't 'online' for minutes on end, through out the day and night.

What would you do in this situation?

Thanks smile

Fontella Thu 13-Nov-14 13:42:47

So he didn't contact you for a day? So what? He's contacted you today with a perfectly polite enquiry about your evening out?

He had a busy day - your texts were pleasantries, nothing more - nothing that required an immediate response and the following day he's back in touch again.

What's the issue exactly?

BarbarianMum Thu 13-Nov-14 13:42:49

I would do nothing because I am old and find the idea of needing someone to text me several times each day, every day weird and suffocating. But if this is an issue in your relationship then you need to talk to him and agree a level of communication that is acceptable to you both. Or find a more communicative boyfriend.

justmuddlingalong Thu 13-Nov-14 13:58:05

I would expect a post like this from a teenager, not a grown woman. You sound clingy.

mynewpassion Thu 13-Nov-14 14:03:03

I was thinking he hadn't been seen or contacted over at least 3 days. One day is no big deal.

Vivacia Thu 13-Nov-14 14:08:04

I've been with my boyfriend for a year now (official for 7 months).

I don't really understand what this means.

What would you do in this situation?

7 months in, ignoring my messages I'd presume he wasn't that keen on me as I was him and finish him. Saying that, it was only one day wasn't it?

Windywinston Thu 13-Nov-14 14:08:38

I'm not old (well not very old) and I agree completely with Barbarian. I don't think not replying for a day is a problem.

I don't always reply to pleasantries straightaway (with anyone), sometimes because I'm busy, sometimes because I can't be bothered to be drawn into a long text conversation, sometimes because I'm having some personal time and don't want to be interrupted by anyone. My DH is the same and yet we love each other very much.

I find this whole need to check that someone's online, that they've checked the message etc oppressive, but you are not peculiar in this regard, I know many people who do this these days. I don't think it's good for anyone. It can create needy and distrustful dynamics in a relationship.

Joysmum Thu 13-Nov-14 14:10:55

I'm too old for all this, can't understand why people can't just call each other. There's no way my DH and I would have gone more than a couple of days without a quick call when we started out. Even now we've been living together for over 20 years we call each other despite texting.

Heels99 Thu 13-Nov-14 14:11:37

You are being unreasonable. Try not to text him all,the time. Wean yourself off it. He obviously had a really busy day yesterday but has contacted you today. Get a grip frankly unless you are 14.

VIX1307 Thu 13-Nov-14 14:17:20

Yeah just one day. Sorry if I sound like a clingy gf- I'm far from it, though reading back on my post it probably does sound that way.
I wasn't messaging asking where he was, or why he wasn't replying etc.
It was just out of the norm so it got me slightly worried and anxious (I've had a bf in the past who just stopped contacting me one day and took the cowards way out, so maybe this is part of it)

Heels99 Thu 13-Nov-14 14:20:23

But presumably it wasn't a normal day for him unless he attends awards ceremonies every day?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 13-Nov-14 14:21:27

On the face of it this doesn't sound like much to worry about. Any other reason alarm bells are ringing for some reason?

I'm not very techy but perhaps simply not logging off something gives the impression he is on and active when he is actually busy (or asleep) elsewhere?

VIX1307 Thu 13-Nov-14 14:29:40

I think it's just mainly the fact he was online and talking to other people as it tells you when they are active, so it made me feel like he was ignoring me on purpose which worried me. Had he scarcely been on it I would understand, but doesn't take long to shoot a quick message saying 'busy speak to you later' which I would have been perfectly happy with.

Oh well blush

Sallyingforth Thu 13-Nov-14 14:35:29

I saw him at the weekend as usual and everything was great.

From that it seems you are not living together, just meeting up for dates. In that case he doesn't need your permission to go offline.

It's good manners to reply to messages, and the fact that he doesn't do so is telling you something about him. You should be learning from that, but he is certainly not AWOL. I'd suggest you back off a little.

ToThineOwnSelf Thu 13-Nov-14 14:37:37

Does the five months of the relationship before it was official have anything to do with your worrying now? Just a thought. The whole being able to see when someone was last online/ has read your message does make new relationships a lot harder these days!

LittleBairn Thu 13-Nov-14 14:43:24

Maybe he feels the relationship is more causal than you do?
Or maybe he was trying to let you know he doesn't want to have to be in contact with you 24/7. That's fairly suffocating.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 13-Nov-14 14:43:27

I would be worried too.
If, in the last year, this is the first time it's happened, I'd be asking questions.
When my OH used to go quiet, I knew something was up. I was always right.
Call him and have a conversation.

TheHermitCrab Thu 13-Nov-14 14:47:03

I suppose the question is if you didn't reply to the message he just sent you for 24 hours, would he be bothered? Or would he just continue as normal.

This way you know if he's an ignorant beggar just replying to you as an when is convenient for him, or whether he's just that kind of relaxed person, and doesn't see it as a problem.

Some people are just that on/off. But obviously not fair if he respects responses from you...

TheHermitCrab Thu 13-Nov-14 14:47:37

expects* not respects

justmuddlingalong Thu 13-Nov-14 14:48:52

Can I ask what the "been together for a year, official for 7 months" means?

LurkingHusband Thu 13-Nov-14 14:51:46

JOOI how did you know he read your message straightaway ?

VIX1307 Thu 13-Nov-14 14:59:12

The messaging service I use tells you when the conversation is viewed. Technology! Bain of my life.

Sorry, to explain: we met a year ago and were dating but hadn't yet established that we were in a 'boyfriend/girlfriend' relationship
We weren't seeing/sleeping with other people anyway before that but hadn't actually discussed it.

TeaForTara Thu 13-Nov-14 15:03:15

I wouldn't worry about this single day - context is everything. See how things go from now on. How he is when you next see him, etc. If it becomes a pattern then clearly he's not as into you as you are to him. I definitely wouldn't grill or nag him about it but you could just say that you would have liked to hear from him, you understand he's busy but just a quick "Busy, will talk tomorrow" would have reassured you.

My OH and I had a few misunderstandings in the early days just from having different expectations / making assumptions about what the other one knows / feels / wants. We talked them through and sorted things out.

TheHermitCrab Thu 13-Nov-14 15:06:30

If he wouldn't be bothered if you did the same, not biggie.

If he would.. then obviously that's different.

Hobby2014 Thu 13-Nov-14 15:07:34

I think it's depends on what's the norm. If the DP usually replies instantly, then it seems weird. It almost comes across as rude to read it and not reply, even just a quick really busy at the minute, speak later. If he's had time to be online, I think he could have replied. If he doesn't always reply then it'd be no big deal.
And if we're talking texting on an iPhone, you can turn it off so the other person doesn't know you've read it. But facebook you can't.

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