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Fit and Unfit couples

(50 Posts)
ProfessorPickles Thu 13-Nov-14 10:02:37

I have recently started seeing someone and he's extremely fit and toned. Then there's me who's a bit overweight and all jiggly. blush

He definitely fancies me so far but I'm terrified of taking my clothes off infront of him, I'm not exaggerating when I say I look unattractive.
I've never taken my bra off infront of anyone either which is another issue.

Is anyone else in a relationship like this?
Are you the fit or unfit partner and is it an issue for either of you?

For me personally appearance is the least important thing, if someone doesn't suit me mentally they can be as gorgeous as they want and I wouldn't fancy them. But I just can't shake the awful feeling that my body will repulse him sad

I half know I'm being daft and the other half of me knows I need to get fit even just for my own benefit so I could get closer to feeling comfortable in my own skin.

GoatsDoRoam Thu 13-Nov-14 10:09:26

I'm not exaggerating when I say I look unattractive.

Yes you are. No-one is unattractive. No-one should think of themselves as unattractive.

I just can't shake the awful feeling that my body will repulse him

That is a terrible thing to think about yourself. Please realise that you are the only one thinking you are unattractive here - not him; he's dating you. You really deserve to give yourself a lot more love and appreciation!
Your skewed self-image has got to be really extreme if you've never dared be naked in front of another person before.
This belief of yourself is very destructive: it hurts your own self-esteem, and it will put a real and unnecessary strain on this relationship (you will probably find yourself pushing him away out of fear that he will reject you, or seeking constant reassurance, which is wearying on a partner).

Would you consider counselling?

TheHermitCrab Thu 13-Nov-14 10:16:46

Don't be daft. My fella is the equivalent of a women's size 8 I'm a 16. (and currently 30 weeks pregnant) but yeah, I'm a beast in comparison haha.

He's under no illusion what you look like naked or not. As you said you're not a looks person so you're not going to be wearing chicken fillets in your bra and spanks under your skirt, those are the kind of girls that shock when they get undressed! haha smile

Also - looking slim and healthy and being fit - two completely different things. I eat a meat and 2 veg diet, and always get my 5 a day, I just eat too much! My OH eats packets of chocolate biscuits and blocks of cathedral city and has never drank a glass of water since I met him.

Exercise if you feel the need to, but don't base it on what he will think. He chose to be with you for a reason (and you're looks will have been one, so he already thinks your lovely) xxxx

loloftherings Thu 13-Nov-14 10:18:03

He obviously likes you and ok he hasn't seen you naked, but must be able to tell how "jiggly" you are and it hasn't put him off yet.
Not ever taking your bra off in front of him will put him off, though. That's just weird.

ellengeorgia Thu 13-Nov-14 10:25:25

Hey some (many?) men actually like jiggly bits! He is seeing you, he fancies you so I don't think your body will repulse him in any way... try not to think like that its bad for your self esteem like Goats said

SelfLoathing Thu 13-Nov-14 10:27:40

No-one should think of themselves as unattractive.

I agree with you but it's probably unrealistic.

No-one is unattractive

That is obviously untrue. Some people are unattractive. Some people are both physically ugly and have an unattractive personality. Some people are physically attractive but have a repellent personality. Some people are ugly but have a magnetic personality.

Excessive weight is not attractive and there is no point pretending it is. But it depends where on the scale you are talking about. The fact is a 20 stone woman who is 5ft 5 is not going to be physically attractive to most people. But anything from a couple of pounds up to a couple of stone overweight probably won't break the bank in terms of general attractiveness.

But I just can't shake the awful feeling that my body will repulse him

The problem here is not actually how you look but how you feel about yourself. I'd suggest the following:

1. Like all things that bother you - the options are accept it or change it. If it bothers you as much as you say, the time has come to take some steps to change it. Get down the gym. If you can't face the gym, start with brisk walking; take the stairs; walk up escalators instead of just standing. Think to yourself "I am now the kind of person who walks up the stairs".

2. Talk to him about it. I don't mean saying "I think you will find me repellent" because that kind of deep insecurity is very unattractive. I mean gently tell him that you are feeling a little bit insecure because he's so fit. Keep it light, jokey and low key. If he's that fit, maybe ask him to help you train at the gym.

3. Finally - and there maybe nothing in this at all - you need to really satisfy yourself that this is coming from you and not from him. IME insecurity in relationships is often a product of the other partner insidiously trying to make their partner feel bad because they themselves are insecure

(eg. "God the hot trainee at work was really flirting with me. I think she really fancies me. She is so gorgeous."
actually means "oi you. Other women fancy me A LOT. I want you to be insecure about this other woman because it will mean you are focussed on me, keeping me and will have doubts your own attractivness. So will work all the more to keep hold of manipulative little me")

If a man finds you very attractive, you are rarely insecure because it's all so hot and passionate. Of course, this could be your insecurity on its own -but have a think about how he makes you feel and whether you've noticed any little comments about your body and fitness that is contributing to how you feel.

If you feel able to say, what are the reasons you have you never taken your bra off in front of someone? Has someone in your past made you insecure?

TheHermitCrab Thu 13-Nov-14 10:30:26

I am with you on the bra thing, but mainly because I hate them jiggling about! honestly... hate it! if I could wear a bra all the time I would! but that would hurt.. lol!

kentishgirl Thu 13-Nov-14 10:34:20

Yes, DP is fit and sporty, I am overweight with lots of saggy and wobbly bits. He fancies the pants off me.

You have an issue of your own if you've never taken your bra off in front of anyone. Why is your confidence so low?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 13-Nov-14 10:37:48

OP you can't dictate what your partner finds a turn on. Even with clothes on people can normally spot if we're an ectomorph, mesomorph or endomorph body type. Don't fret! He may not be able to keep his hands off you. You may be overlooking your what shall we say, feline walk or your soft skin or voluptuous body.

And some men are just as anxious about how they measure up to compare to others.

Rumplestrumpet Thu 13-Nov-14 10:41:07

We all have insecurities and fears about abour appearance at different stages in our life, but as I get older I've realised that I really didn't see my body the way other people did - It's a lot better than I thought! I was nervous when first with my DH, but was amazed to discover that he LOVES my jiggly bits! He hates the sight of a woman with bones jutting out, and begs me never to loose my tummy (fat chance of that!).

I disagree with anyone who makes black and white statesments about what is/isnt' attractive. So much of it is not about the shape of the body, but the way you carry it and use it. I've seen very large women ooze sexual confidence, and can see how men respond - it's innate!

So please don't give yourself a hard time. By all means, have a bit of a health kick if you feel like it, ie a fun zumba class or replacing crisps with a juicy fruit - but don't to it in a punishing way, and try to find a way to love your body. For what it's worth, best thing I ever did was refuse to even glance at a women's magazine - definitely increased my self esteem.

Your boyfriend clearly fancies you if he's with you, and he clearly has a good idea of your shape underneath your clothes - which indicates that he likes you just the way you are!

Best of luck!

Tobyjugg Thu 13-Nov-14 10:47:28

If he didn't fancy you, he wouldn't be with you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that.

Once you strip off, the only things that will put him off are:

1. your ex's name/the name of a footie club that are his team's deadly rivals tattooed on you in a big heart,

2. a penis (and maybe not even then).

Tobyjugg Thu 13-Nov-14 10:53:30

If he didn't fancy you, he wouldn't be with you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that.

Once you strip off, the only things that will put him off are:

1. your ex's name/the name of a footie club that are his team's deadly rivals tattooed on you in a big heart,

2. a penis (and maybe not even then).

My DW has jiggly bits and I love them and like Rumplestrumpet's DH the thought of seeing bones jutting out is not an attractive one.

Stop worrying and enjoy yourself.

ellengeorgia Thu 13-Nov-14 11:02:34

grin Tobyjugg... a penis!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 13-Nov-14 11:04:30

Excessive weight is not attractive

To lots of people it is. Not to me, but loads, millions of people prefer excess weight especially on a woman. How do you think fat women end up in relationships? Do you think all their partners are secretly repelled by their bodies? Far from it.

JohnFarleysRuskin Thu 13-Nov-14 11:06:44

I know it is well-meant but I don't see why trying to give a woman confidence in her body has to involve doing down another woman's body.

If someone was nervous about a new lover because she was so skinny and her hipbones jutted out and people responded "oh my DH can't stand the sight of jiggly bits", it would be very uncomfortable.

ProfessorPickles Thu 13-Nov-14 11:10:00

Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate it.
I'm going to try answer as many questions as I can, it's awkward using MN on your phone cause you can't look back while you answer so I won't be able to quote usernames, sorry!

With regards to counselling, would they help me improve my view of myself? I've thought about it before but didn't know if I was being dramatic.

Someone asked why my confidence is so low and I've been sat thinking trying to figure it out but I really don't know. I've always been slightly over weight and I remember disliking my body even at 10 years old.
My brother did used to call me fat when we were younger but not really nastily more in a childish teasing way.
I've always hated my body and then I was cheated on and she was a size 6 tiny little thing which added to it. I was cheated on again by my sons father and I suppose that may have added to it aswell.
I don't trust men very much because of this.
I think another important part is the way I was always friends with boys and I would hear groups of teenage boys banging on about fit girls and objectifying women and I still hear it from adult men too.

The weird thing is I have grown up with a wonderful family where my parents love eachother a lot and I always had a good relationship with my dad but now I find men very difficult and have a lot of issues with my body.

I have never let anyone see my boobs before because of how they look, it is my nipples that look a bit strange and one looks like part is missing for some reason.

I know what a pp means about it being how you carry your body, I have seen some larger ladies who ooze confidence and I'm so envious of them because even though they haven't got the typical slim sexy toned body, they are beautiful!

ProfessorPickles Thu 13-Nov-14 11:11:25

Tobyjugg - it's a good job I didn't go ahead with my penis tattoo declaring my love for my ex then isn't it grin

ProfessorPickles Thu 13-Nov-14 11:14:35

Something else that has sprung to mind is that a couple of months ago when I was single and I'd lost a little bit of weight I felt quite attractive and I actually went and bought some sexy underwear from Anne summers and I loved it, I felt really nice about myself.

I'm still at the same weight now and actually wearing the underwear as I type but now I no longer feel too special.

Chaseface Thu 13-Nov-14 11:16:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 13-Nov-14 11:22:13

I know logically that there are people who find my shape sexy (size 14/16 pear with big bum) but I have a hard time really believing it. I know I'm being illogical but it doesn't help silence the inner voice!

TheHermitCrab Thu 13-Nov-14 11:22:54

I think counselling would be good, and never dramatic, I'd love to do it myself.

I was always fat, not chubby, but fat. And my mum and dad made all my clothes (tailor and a sewer, made sense!) but they were always always old fashioned - a lined skirts and blouses, oh how I got bullied (I look back on it now, especially as my mum passed away when I was 19, and how much I appreciate that they did it for me!)

But... when I got into my teens, I still hadn't been to a "new look" or "topshop" And when i finally pestered for a pair of jeans - I was told it just wouldn't be right for my size. (probably a fair and honest comment) but stayed with me forever.

Since then, I've been a size 8, 10, 12, 14, and now a 16. I tell you now, as a size 8 I felt no different to how I feel now as a 16. So I don't think counselling is ever dramatic, because you need it to get to the bottom of shit like that.

I feel for you I really do! I KNOW my partner loves my body, he's been with me since a size 10, and still grabs my bum and "jiggly bits" now at pregnant and size 16. And I think eewwww "what if he goes to grab a boob and gets one of my jiggly spare tyres instead!" hahaha

ShortandSweeter Thu 13-Nov-14 13:01:16

I couldn't be with someone who didn't respect themselves enough to keep in shape.

JohnFarleysRuskin Thu 13-Nov-14 13:07:36

I couldn't be with someone who liked to stick the boot in.

Joysmum Thu 13-Nov-14 13:09:33

I've been for and unfit, anywhere from an 8-22. I'm a binge eater.

I can honestly say that it doesn't affect how DH sees me or the frequency or quality of our sex life. smile

Tobyjugg Thu 13-Nov-14 13:23:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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