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DP is useless at night

(22 Posts)
PizzaPasta Thu 13-Nov-14 02:38:42

And I'm fed up of it.

We have a 1 and 3 year old. Neither sleep through the night every night. 3 year old wakes up 3/4 times a week and 1 year old wakes up near enough hourly. He sleeps in bed with us and bfs. (Putting him in his own bed at 18 months like we did with DD, this is a joint decision) I'm a sahm and DP has a 'physical' job.

I do 99% of night wakings. Fair enough with DS as I bf back to sleep but even if both DC are awake at the same time, it's me that deals with them. If they are ill in the night, I do all the sick cleaning, bed changing and medicine giving. I'm also the one who has to stay up with them downstairs for whatever reason. I get a lie in every few weeks but DP will wake me to bf the 1 year old. He's a year old! He hardly bfs during the day and I don't need to be woke up. It's because he can't cope with the DC on his own.

Normally I don't really mind all this. But both me and the DC have been ill and I've been getting hardly any sleep for over a week now. And I'm sometimes struggling to stay awake during the day. DS (1yo) is ill again and I just need some help.

The thing is, even if he offered to take DS downstairs for an hour, I wouldn't let him as he just has no patience at night and gets really annoyed. He can't handle being woken up. I get that he has a physically demanding job but he's always complaining he's tired but doesn't help himself by having an early night. I HAVE to go to bed early. I don't want to but if I didn't id be exhausted. If he gets woken up at night, all I hear is 'well I've got work in the morning' yes fair enough, but just because I don't work, doesn't mean I don't need sleep! It really wouldn't hurt him to have an early night once a week. I do try not to get into competitive tiredness arguments but sometimes I really can't help it. I haven't had a full nights sleep in3 and a half years.

It's like he's a different person at night.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Thu 13-Nov-14 03:33:51

I think the first thing that needs tackling is the 1yos sleep. A 1yo doesnt need hourly BFs and waiting til 18mo to tackle this is going to break you.

Id also insist on one night off duty (one where he is off the next day) per week.

He needs to pull his socks up, but until ypu stop nightfeeding the 1yo he has an excuse not to.

ChippingInAutumnLover Thu 13-Nov-14 05:01:06

Do you feel any better if you do get a lay in at the weekend? If you do then tell him that if he wants to sleep, urn disturbed, through the week that he has to get up with the kids every Saturday and every second Sunday. He has to keep them quiet and not wake you. If you are woken up, you'll be waking him up to sort the 3 yo out in the night all week. Tell him that sleep isn't only for people who work outside the home! Selfish idiot.

LoveBeingStartingANewLife Thu 13-Nov-14 05:44:39

Decide what you actually want him to do, you can't say he leaves it to me and then say you couldn't let him do it anyway.

My ex was like this, I left him. Not for this because he was a bastard. You say your partner is normally good it's just at night? Are you sure about this? Otherwise you'd be getting to sleep in more or having naps at the weekends?

Squidstirfry Thu 13-Nov-14 13:02:33

Sorry i sure u r a very good mum, but there is no way s 1 yo needs to be breastfed in the night. This should be sorted by 3-4 months. Babies need to learn to miss their feed at night so they learn how to join their sleep cycles.
Not learning this skill makes the child irritable grumpy and can impair learning.

Start on a program of proper sleep training for your baby and toddlers.

Your 3yo needs to learn that waking up
For the

Squidstirfry Thu 13-Nov-14 13:03:59

Sorry, that waking you up in the night is not acceptable.

For your own sanity!

frankbough Thu 13-Nov-14 13:10:24

Our two still wake now, in fact the three yr old has come back in our room after being in her own bedroom for nearly 2yrs, we both got fed up of getting up and going down the stairs, she now sleeps like a log and so do we, although the two yr is a bit fractious at the moment so we take it in turns..
We had a night feeder/ non sleeper for two yrs until we tackled it, put us off kids and nearly sent us both round the bend..
I don't have a specific answer you just have to make it easier for yourselves otherwise you'll fallout, remember it's just a section of time and things do get easier once this stage is gone..

SolidGoldBrass Thu 13-Nov-14 13:16:49

If he 'has no patience at night' do you mean that you are scared he might harm the baby? If you think he is that selfish, then you actually need to think about getting him out of the house for good. He does sound very selfish. No matter how physical his job is, he needs to be making sure that you get at least one lie in and one good night's sleep a week. You are his partner, not the servant he can delegate all the domestic work to.

Fairenuff Thu 13-Nov-14 20:06:11

If being 'useless' at night got me out of the picture, I would have been useless too.

He just doesn't want to be tired. Well, newsflash, no-one wants to be tired. Tell him he needs more practice, then he won't be so useless.

PizzaPasta Fri 14-Nov-14 09:41:40

Sorry about taking so long to get back. I've been thinking.

When i say he doesn't have a lot of patience, I don't think he would hurt the DC. But he shouts and name calls. Not saying that I'm perfect. I'm a bit more shouty than I'd like, but I'd never shout at them at night when they're ill. And I'd never call them some of the names he does. He doesn't say it to them, but he'll say for example 'why is she such a little bitch?'

We have a lot of arguments over the name calling and swearing. He only does it when he's angry. I do think he's got some anger issues. He was really bad when I first met him but he's got 1000 times better since then.

Sorry I'm rambling now.

I know I need to get DS in his own bed. But I need to wait until after christmas to buy him a bed. He'll be 18 months then. Ill night wean him at the same time as I found this worked with DD. I'm not prepared to do proper sleep training though. So I doubt this will actually stop him waking at night because DDs night wakings increased for a good 6/8 months before she got any better.

I do realise I'm not helping myself here but they're little for such a short time and I just want to do it right. I can't explain what I mean.

I was just really tired and frustrated the other night. I wish I hadn't started this thread in a way. But I do appreciate the helpful responses. It's given me something to think about.

QuintsBombWithAWiew Fri 14-Nov-14 09:49:20

Your baby needs to learn to sleep, that is the best thing you can do for him right now - he does not need to eat at night. Night is for sleeping. You are not doing him any favours when you allow him to think waking up every hour is the norm. It cant be good for his brain development - if you are affected by the frequent wakings, I imagine he will be too. And dont you think there is a link with your dds poor sleeping habits and the fact that you left it so long with her? I think you are just making excuses to put off the inevitable - the next stage of his development.

lemisscared Fri 14-Nov-14 09:55:05

He calls his dd a little bitch?????? shockhmm

offside Fri 14-Nov-14 09:57:46

squid I don't think the OP is looking for parenting advice, especially unrealistic advice. Either you've never ebf or you are a tyrant who would happily let a baby cry it out. I have a 3 month old who I ebf and many friends in exactly the same position and not one is sleeping through. I'd like to know what your source is. It's fact that babies shouldn't be sleeping through at such a young age and those that do are lucky.

OP you are doing a brilliant job with the bf and it sounds like you've got enough on your plate, minus the help, to have to do sleep training. I do hope your DH pulls his socks up when it comes to moving your LO into their own room.

vichill Fri 14-Nov-14 10:20:10

My 15m cosleeps and comfort nurses for 30 secs in between sleep cycles 2 or 3 mins a night. This is a normal breastfeeding experience and many don't think this is a problem to be solved. In fact I take my hat off to op for getting first baby into a bed at 18m. She's obviously not inept.
I have the same problem with dh. He thinks bathing dd and putting katy perry on for half an hour while I lie in the bath makes him indispensable. They're shits aren't they?

QuintsBombWithAWiew Fri 14-Nov-14 10:27:02

There are ways of doing sleep training, and to wean off the breast, without letting baby cry it out. My gp told us what to do, and both our boys were sleeping through without night feeds within a week.

ipswichwitch Fri 14-Nov-14 10:55:03

Can I ask Quints what your gp recommended? 11mo DS2 is bf several times a night. He won't even contemplate it the through the day (likes his food too much), even though I offer regularly.
We've ended up co-sleeping and bf to sleep as we had a lot of issues with DS1 and his sleep, and couldn't risk waking him by having DS2 cry too much - he has had sleep apnoea quite severely which woke him 20+ times a night. It's resolved since he had his tonsils out but he's still waking, but we now have an appointment with the sleep clinic to hopefully get him sorted. Once he's had this and we get somewhere with his sleep issues, I want to then tackle DS2 and look to moving him to his own room.
I'm asking because I want to come up with a plan of action rather than just winging it, which wouldn't work anyway.
Sorry for the thread derailment op! We've had bugger all sleep for 3 years here, but at least DH does his fair share and we tend to tackle one DC each. We take it in turns to have a lie in - him Saturday me Sunday.

BreakingDad77 Fri 14-Nov-14 11:25:34

I sometimes wonder if this should be brought up in parenting class's as this seems to come up time and time again.

offside Fri 14-Nov-14 11:56:15

Of course there are ways to do it and perserverence is the key. My point is that 3-4 months old is unrealistic, babies are not meant to sleep through.

I do believe once a baby is eating solids they should be weaned off the breast at night, but it's easier said than done. And bf is damn hard anyway! So I don't believe the OP should be criticised for her choices. She has a plan and is working towards that.

QuintsBombWithAWiew Fri 14-Nov-14 12:04:23

My gp suggested my dh dealt with the sleep training to break the cycle. At 11 months babies should be encouraged to take all their meals in the day time. He explained when children breast feeds at night it affects their intake of food in the day, and around one year old their main meals should not consist of milk, but a varied diet of fruit, veg, carbs, protein etc. In his view it affects their development in a negative way, 1. they dont get the sleep the brain needs for development, and 2. they dont get the nutrition their bodies need to develop. That was the background for his reasoning that babies should be sleep trained and stop night feeds from around 11 months onwards.

As for the actual training, the baby needs his own room/cot (cot preferable to toddler bed - as it is easier to keep the baby in the bed and keep the distance between baby and parent) Baby is fed, and put to sleep in his cot. Mum should stay away, because baby will smell milk and want to feed. If baby is separated from mum at night, it will not feel encouraged to wake up when it smells milk. This is why it is important that somebody else, like dad, goes to the baby at night. When baby wakes up, dad goes in to reassure baby. Keep baby in the cot, stroke, sing, talk calmly and reassure baby until he falls asleep again. It is knackering, but worth it.

I was so sleep deprived that when we came to this point, I just slept right through and let dh deal with it. After 3 nights, the worst was over.

Dh did not rush in at the first murmur from our sons (now 12 and 9) but waited to see if they would settle themselves first. In the end they did.
We kept the baby monitor though.

It means dad will need to show commitment to see it through. Not lift the baby out of bed, not lose his calm, and be prepared from some pretty sleepless nights for a few days.

wallypops Fri 14-Nov-14 12:32:48

Following on from Quints - we were told that if you stuck with something for 5 consecutive nights - it would stick for good. We believed in that and it worked for us. Might be bollocks, but both mine slept for 6 hours a night by 3 months.

Jan45 Fri 14-Nov-14 17:05:42

I couldn't stand being with someone so useless, sorry but two kids and he still expects you to do it all, where is the teamwork, where is the equality, he sounds like a lazy selfish git.

ipswichwitch Fri 14-Nov-14 19:14:27

Thanks Quints. Once the kids hospital appointments are out of the way - our 11mo is getting checked for hip dysphasia and joint problems so I'm reluctant to do anything til that's sorted - we will have to try that. Gives me time to get DH fully on board and prepared as he tends to be the worrier and will probably end up bringing him to me if he doesn't settle in 5 mins as he's convinced himself something's wrong confused

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