my mum has gone nuts tonight :(

[kelell17]

hi ladies me again :(
been on here on another thread re my xboyf but I also have a very strange mum and as the advice was so helpful re men I thought u might have some useful words of wisdom....here goes....
ds lost his coat at school ( 4th one this yr) of no importance to him to find it as he says my mum will buy him a new one to stop me telling him off ( which she will....shes not into me or my 2 girls at all but dotes on him ) so anyway I told him this was not acceptable/ he needs to learn some personal responsibility etc ( hes 11 ) and that if he didnt find it today at school id confiscate his ipod for the night....
tonight no coat so no ipod simple as that until he said he needed it for his homework....I caved and said he could have it for an hour to do homework then needed to hand it back as didnt want him on games etc...he started being cheeky so told him to go to his room and come back when he could talk civily and I would give him it for his homework...this was all v.calm I wasnt shouting at all
what he actually did was go to his room text my mum ( on a phone she bought him which I objected to ) and say I was being mean/stopped him from doing his homework etc
she then drove over barrelled in my house all guns blazing in front of all 3 kids...screaming at me what type of mum was I stopping him doing his homework...I couldn't get a word in edgeways she was shouting so much both my little girls were crying as she was frightening them so I told my son to go to his room and her to get out sternly...touching the arm of her coat ( not even hard enough to touch her arm thru it as I said it ) she went nuts saying id attacked her n then swung her arm round and hit me round the chest...all the time my daughters r crying then she told my son to get in her car even tho I was telling him to go to his room....he did ( as she was on his side ) but she was screaming and shouting so much on my drive I had to lock her out as she was frightening my girls so much so couldnt go n reason with ds to come bk in and not go with his nan....she was being that loud I told her if she didnt leave id call the police but he was to stay here
they both left....ive text her saying pls drop him off before school...she hasnt replied, shes terrified my daughters and I'm sleeping with the key in the lock so she has to ring in the morning as I keep waking up to her in my house...
this isnt right is it????
any advice appreciated
sorry its so long!!! x

[BlueGreenHazelGreen]

Ok, get locksmith tomorrow to change locks.

If you can't get him tonight, Get DS back tomorrow and remove phone.

Ban Mother from house and DC. Relationship with DS is unhealthy based in what you've said here.

I have never ever told anyone to go NC with their parents but that is completely unacceptable. If it happens again I'd call the police.

[overslept]

That sounds really awful for you OP. Are you alright?

I think you should call the police, if she says you attacked her you need to get your own story straight and on record with them. She has no right to just take your son either.

She sounds like a nightmare, would it be possible for you to cut all contact with her in the future?

Sorry I can't offer any more advice. X

[Notmeagain1]

I dont even know how to answer this. Poor your and your poor dds. I think your mother needs to be set down when the children are at school and told who is the parent and who is the grand. She in actuality kidnapped your ds.

You can not allow this behavior to continue. Your kids, your decision on how to punish.

I am so sorry you are going through this and maybe you need to go NC for a period until she learns her boundaries.

[Daria01]

Oh my goodness! She sounds like she is manipulating your DS and massively undermining your parenting skills. She sounds absolutely toxic and like she around not be around your poor DCs.

Change the locks tomorrow once you've got your DS back. Confiscate his phone and ban her from coming round unless you know you'll have somebody else there to support you. If her behaviour continues then I'd cut her out altogether.

I'd also consider reporting this incident to the police. Not because it is of huge importance in itself (obviously very distressing but not necessarily dangerous) but because it sounds like she will play games in the future, and it might benefit you to have this on record.

[OldLadyKnowsBeelzebub]

Jeez, kel! I'm not stalking you, this post just came up on Active Convos so I had a look and of course recognised your name. No wonder you have such a shit time with men with a mother like that...

No, it's not right, it's not right at all. In the long term, I'd be looking at moving house, even if it meant changing jobs. You need to get away from her. In the short term, you're unlikely to get your key back from your mum so get the lock changed. If you have a Yale type lock, it's easy and inexpensive to change the barrel, you need a screwdriver and about a fiver. And fit an internal bolt.

You take the phone, the ipod and all other techy stuff off your ds. At 11 he's at the start of the "getting arsey" stage (aka puberty) and if you don't sit on his head hard asap you'll have an absolute fucking nightmare in a couple of years' time.

If ds "needs" an ipod to do his homework, he does it in the same room as you, with you checking what he's doing every five minutes. You remove the ipod as soon as he's done. Switch off the wifi/change the passcode so he doesn't have it; do this daily, he gets no online time until the homework (and other chores of your choice) is done.

You really need to set down your boundaries with your mum and your ds, and hold hard to them. It won't be easy, but there's no alternative now.

[kelell17]

my dad advised me to change locks....as I keep waking up in the morning to find her in my house as she needs to drop something off blah blah, ive had these problems with her before although 99% of the time shes outwardly very helpful but also very belittling....tells my son ( not my daugters as doesnt really bother with them ) that he doesnt have to listen to me just to call her....
maybe I should have phoned police although we both work for the police ( shes much higher up than me ) no one would believe me as shes so sweet as pie and respected at work everyone knows of her....feel like if I tried to do anything to stop her she would come back at me tenfold...my dad even thinks she would prob tell police she thinks I'm paranoid and she did it as she was worried for my son, she didnt hit me im making it up coz I'm mad etc therefore trying to get me into more trouble and shes so articulate/well respected etc she would bury me in that kind of argument as no one would believe me....
I have to see her at work tomorrow....I dont know what shes said to my son or even if she will take him to school or here ( altho if shes at work I guess that will prove she's took him to school )
I'm scared tho coz I cant do anything to fight her re my son as she will do something worse back ( and has many many times )
sorry for ranting...ive just had to settle my daughter again as she cant sleep coz her nan frightened her earlier the way she went for me :( x

[overslept]

That is an really difficult position to be in OP. The thing about toxic people is they somehow manage to keep everybody around them fooled and are usually people with power who know how to manipulate and control situations as well as other people.

Change the locks for sure, I would also be tempted to put come cctv up outside and a nanny cam hidden inside as well, I would not tolerate somebody who just let themselves into my home and sat on the sofa in the morning. She is unhinged enough to snoop as well. Would it be possible to move house and refuse to give your address? No matter what work is going to be very awkward from now on. She has you right where she wants you. Could you find another job? You really need to be able to step away from her control, while she has this much of a hold and is willing to stoop that low you are going to have a really difficult time trying to protecting yourself.

I agree as well with what others have said about your son. She is behaving disgustingly and will turn him into a not very nice person if she carries on. She should not be undermining your parenting.

[BlueGreenHazelGreen]

It is a classic abuser trick to say 'no one will believe you'.
It's not true.

Change the locks and then she can't come in.

It doesn't matter what she says to the police, she's not entitled to be in your house without permission and she isn't your son's parent you are. This is damaging to him, you need to find a way to stand up for him.

If you do need to report her try to stay calm and give your statement reasonably.

You are an adult. She is not allowed to treat you this way. She's not allowed to assault you or frighten your children.

[BlueGreenHazelGreen]

Nanny cam, if you could afford it and set it up so your DS doesn't know about it is an interesting idea.

[kelell17]

thanks ladies...I was posting my 2nd msg after seeing the 1st so only just seen the other replies....OldLadyKnowsBeezlebub yeah me again! I'm sorry but thanks for your reply again u have been a great source of comfort/advice these past couple of weeks....and all of u ladies I really appreciate u taking the time to talk to me :) I did ask my mum for the key back she waved it in my face snarled and said do u know what I think ill keep your key...it was fairly creepy :( she says she is going to go into school tomorrow to explain why ds hasnt got his homework ( and prob spin them a pack of lies that she had to rescue him from me ) it scares me what she is capable of in these kind of situations....she once witnessed my ex husband break down/threaten suicide admitting he had scared me into thinking I was going to die ( at his hands ) and then when questioned by my solicitor and police said she was not aware of any domestic violence and I was making it up as revenge because he had an affair... ( see why I worry what shes capable of )
I know everyones going to say cut her out completley from mine n kids life at least till she calms down/ learns boundaries but its not that simple if I do that she will do something in revenge I know she will like phone social services and say I'm having a breakdown shes worried about kids etc....I cant fight someone so irrational....spoke to my dad tonight he knows exactly what shes like so believes what I said but says he also believes if I do anything against her she will do something worse back :( x

[OldLadyKnowsBeelzebub]

Then you have to get away, kelell. I know it can't be done overnight, I realise that with three dc it's not easy. It would be worth speaking to Women's Aid just for advice and support, if you can get through to them; your mother is abusing you. I'm not saying you need refuge space, but they can be very helpful about relocating. She can't phone social services if she doesn't know where you are, and really, that's where you need to be.

[kelell17]

I cant leave my whole life is here :( I love my job I love my home and so do kids all thier best freinds live on our really nice estate...Ive worked so hard on my own to provide this nice home and they are excelling at school. ... I cant give all that up because of her it wouldn't be fair on them :( shes said previously if I tried to keep my son from her ( tho not my daughters ) she would take me to court re grandparents rights and is loaded so would bury me :( I cant afford a solicitor....shes always wanted my son even my dad thinks this is part of a ploy for her to fight me for custody of him!!! but not my girls....she doesnt like them...or me.
I need to stay here and fight this and not change my childrens whole world over her....I just don't know how :(
I dont even know how I will face her tomorrow strutting round the office like queen bee with everyone respecting her when no one knows but me she has this very scary other side :( x

[AdoraBell]

Talk To your GP. Treat it as if you were advizing a friend re an abusive spouse. You need a récord of this abuse.

Would your father back you, or is he walking on egg shells himself?

Is there any way To move locación with your Job without disrupting everything you've built?

[Darkesteyes]

OldLady is right Your mum is abusive When my DB was splitting with his partner in 1996 my mum came and sat menacingly outside their flat because she wanted them to stay together. With todays anti stalking laws if she did this now she would be in deep trouble.

kellell your mum is abusive and controlling. Im so sorry she is putting you through this.

[kelell17]

my dad has backed me before when she made up loads of lies about me on a statement for my ex husbands solicitor he wrote a counter statement.... That was because it was so bad he had to. ... I think he's reluctant to get involved as he knows the crap she causes plus is so laid back he just wants a quiet life....he said tonight he's suprised she hasnt phoned him ( as she knows I will ) but he said she's prob trying to get her story straight first....I know he's trying to help but he just makes me feel more worried as reinforces that I have something to be worried about rather than says I'm overreacting/ she'll get over it etc
worried about the effect this has on my ds... They are so close and he would hate me if I stopped him seeing her but her influence on him is toxic and definitely not a good influence in the long run

[overslept]

If you plan to stay there then you are going to have to be prepared for this to get worse before it gets better. You have allowed her to behave like this for a while, I'm not saying it is your fault at all, she has trapped you.

First of all you are going to have to play smart to her nasty. Get the nanny cam, in fact if possible have a few in different rooms of the house. Tell nobody, not your children, not your best friend, not your dad. This will be the ace up your sleeve. You need to be prepared to use it. If an incident like this happens again keep the footage. Be prepared to show it to the police. You need to keep a log of everything that happens an have evidence that you are not the one that is crazy. If she threatens you would SS or going for custody again this will be your proof. Keep recordings of threats like this she makes as well. It is abuse. Record all your telephone calls, it can't be used in evidence but you will have a record and there is no law against uploading a recording of somebody spouting vile threats to the internet.

What sort of phone does your son have? Assuming you can't take it from him would it be possible to put a GPS tracker on it? That way you will know where he is at least if anything like this happens again. I think you should also check his messages regularly. That includes emails and social media.

What you said about her keeping your key is really really disturbing, ask her for it in front of somebody. Ask really nicely, put her on the spot. You now have a witness to her withholding your key. Do this for anything else that is a reasonable request that she refuses to grant. People like this HATE being put on the spot in front of others, it makes them look bad and she will want other people eating out the palm of her hand. Don't cause problems but allow her to show herself up. Asking at work in front of a few people might also be an option, find a reason that you really need it.

[kelell17]

thanks overslept.... my son has a very basic old nokia phone no Internet etc...as soon as I find where its hidden ( maybe he has it on him tho ) it will be binned so the texting problem solved....I guess I could ask her for my key at work? make up a lie like I left mine in the taxi etc....am thinking this would get very awkward tomorrow as she takes my son to various evening activities on a Thursday night ( I can't ) and if I stop him from going then she will use that to her advantage re I'm a bad parent...she will say she will give it to me later and ill show myself up making a fuss in the office....I cant afford nannycam or any cctv at all and she's very careful NEVER to text anything other than civil shes only vicious face to face and alone or infront of dc... tbh she will prob act tomorrow like nothing has happened .... till the next time, sorry if I sound like I have a counter argument for every idea I really do appreciate the advice I just know her to well and am second guessing what her next move would be if I did this or that

[AdoraBell]

You really need your key back, during the working day, because you left your's inside when you shut the door as you left for work. Just make sure it's not in your handbag because it sounds like she would think Nothing of going through your bag without your permission or knowledge.

[kelell17]

overslept....the idea about getting key back by asking infront of someone is a damn good idea tho! shes not going to want to look crazy to someone else by refusing to give someone thier own key....I just don't think I can do it tomorrow re my sons commitments friday is definitely an ideal chance tho... In the office just casually but making sure shes at her desk and surrounded by people who can hear....I think or hope that might just be the way to get it back off her....

[Darkesteyes]

kellell i cant better the advice you have already been given Christ she is Toxic with a capital T

[CheerfulYank]

She's awful!

If you can't get your key back definitely change the locks.

I know you have your reasons for not wanting to but I would definitely call the police next time she takes your son without your permission. Make sure you log this down!

I think you can get nanny cams for quite cheap and turn it on if you feel there is going to be am altercation.

Get your dad to back you up. Does anyone else know what she's really like?

I would get to the school first, explain the situation, tell them is is toxic. Be as firm and clear as you can. Tell them she is not to bother your son in any way while he's at school and you insist that they do not discuss him with her.

[Coyoacan]

Your son told a lie to his grandmother and went off with her without your permission. Are there going to be any consequences for him in all this, OP?

[simontowers2]

My advice OP is this:

• Arrange to meet your mum for a chat under the guise of "clear the air talks"
  

Have secret recording device stashed on you such as mobile phone or dictaphone (practice before with it to see how best to do it)

• Get her talking and to go over your recent argument. Stand your ground, point out why you think she was out of order and why you plan to change the locks. She will invariably blow her top by the sounds of it. Stay calm and let her do most of the talking.
  
• Then when you have your evidence, go home, change your locks, and cut her out of your life. If she tries owt, eg turning up at house, think about recording it again.

[simontowers2]

Forgot to add also, if she turns up banging at your door etc, a. Film it and b. call police. Slowly build up your evidence.
You need this witch out of your and your son's life. She sounds absolutely barking.

[mutternutter]

I feel your pain op. My DM is as bad and I am living with her. At least you have your own space.
Pp have given superb advice as always. Keep posting. Its giving me strength to tackle my own DM. Come over to stately homes thread. A warm welcome awaits.