Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Trust issues......

(22 Posts)
BostonIvy Wed 12-Nov-14 21:08:25

DP and I have been living together for 6 months.

We are both divorced with DC from previous marriage.

A couple of months ago I became suspicious about texts from his ex wife. I checked his phone and she was begging for him to return to her and sending 'sexual' videos. They were both ending their messages with lots of kisses even though he was maintaining he would never return.

In response to the video he said it wasn't as good as a previous one she'd made a year before and there was some general banter before he told her it was inappropriate and to stop.

I told him I'd looked at his phone and was really upset about the whole thing. He then told her he was in a relationship and the begging texts stopped.

I'm still finding it difficult to trust him and the other day looked at his phone again. She has started putting lots of kisses on her messages again which makes me feel uncomfortable. I told him and he says he's told her to stop, but has now put a password on his phone so I can't be tempted to look......... I'm now feeling really paranoid.

BostonIvy Wed 12-Nov-14 21:13:11

Am I being totally unreasonable?!

Happymum1985 Wed 12-Nov-14 21:30:14

Its always dangerous looking at texts.. and he has prob only put a passcode on because he wants his privacy back.. but why is he still in contact with her anyway? Reassure yourself that it ended for a reason and he is with you now, but equally he needs to cease contact with her now or it will eventually ruin your relationship.

BostonIvy Wed 12-Nov-14 21:47:55

They are still in contact as they have a child together so she will be in our lives for as long as we're together.

He said he's upset I don't trust him and still feel the need to snoop which is why he's put a passcode on it, but it's made me more suspicious.

BostonIvy Wed 12-Nov-14 22:01:28

I realise I probably shouldn't have looked in the first place, but do you think I'm being unreasonably insecure given what I found?

Drumdrum60 Wed 12-Nov-14 22:19:22

Sounds like his ex is a pain but he's probably enjoying it. Don't think he's up to anything. Glad you let him know how you feel. The woman is ridiculous and I'd be furious at her behaviour.

Drumdrum60 Wed 12-Nov-14 22:20:52

Don't think partners should have passwords on phones. You were right to be suspicious of her.

YellowTulips Wed 12-Nov-14 22:25:56

I wouldn't have trust issues with this guy as he would be out the door.

Not sure why your wasting time with someone disrespecting you and his ex by playing you off against each other.

Joysmum Wed 12-Nov-14 22:48:01

Newly out a password on. I'd have trust issues too. He has firm, now he doesn't want to reassure you, he wants to hide what happens from now on.

BostonIvy Thu 13-Nov-14 10:12:04

We had it out last night.
He says he would rather I asked him straight, and he would let me look through his phone whenever I like. He says he doesn't like the fact I sneak around to look at it and he just wants me to trust him.

His ex didn't know he was in a relationship when she send the, ahem, video... She now knows and has since stopped that kind of thing, but I just want to keep an eye on the situation, but I feel like such a snooper!!! I would be really embarrassed to ask him to look at his phone.

Only1scoop Thu 13-Nov-14 10:16:20

I wouldn't be happy....he had kept the videos? Did you see texts stating he was in a relationship with you?

FelicityGubbins Thu 13-Nov-14 10:19:01

Look at it this way, if she starts to behave inappropriately again, you can always shame her by mentioning the video she sent. Saying that he sounds like a twat for letting her embarrass herself like that!
Can you not try to make friends with her yourself rather than letting him have all the control?

BackgammonPro Thu 13-Nov-14 10:19:47

No he deleted the video straight away, obviously watched it though hmm ....

No I haven't seen the texts telling her about me, apart from one saying he was taking a woman out for dinner. He says he told her properly on the phone.

Maybe I should turn up on his lunch break and ask to look at his phone, or would that be too crazy?

BostonIvy Thu 13-Nov-14 10:23:06

Sorry that previous post was me, was trying to name change in case she's on here and recognises me.... blush

FelicityGubbins Thu 13-Nov-14 10:24:15

Yeah,that's crazy.
If they have children together, then wouldn't it make sense for you to at least introduce yourself to her if you are living with their father?

Only1scoop Thu 13-Nov-14 10:25:34

Oh I see....strange you have never met her....are the dc grown up?

I wouldn't pitch up at his place of work I'd tell him how you are feeling about this.

Theoldhag Thu 13-Nov-14 10:27:18

Op you have posted your last post under your normal name, you may wish to ask mn hq to delete it?

BostonIvy Thu 13-Nov-14 10:38:04

She lives 200 miles away, otherwise I would have asked to meet her. I think I will eventually. They have one young child.

Maybe I'll ask to look when he gets home? It would set my mind at rest, but I don't want to give him a chance to delete things if he thinks I'm going to ask.

I'm meeting him for lunch so I could ask then, I wouldn't storm into his office!

BostonIvy Thu 13-Nov-14 11:03:45

I'm going to ask out of the blue at lunchtime... I have a bad feeling...

Leviticus Thu 13-Nov-14 11:14:39

Ugh. This sounds like so much drama. Are you sure you want this relationship? Six months in should be head over heels, can't even remember what my ex's name is sort of stuff shouldn't it?

Only1scoop Thu 13-Nov-14 11:42:48

He may of already deleted stuff....

If you feel you want to see his phone then yes of course ask him without warning.

He should be trying to reassure you to be honest.

paperandstone Thu 13-Nov-14 15:02:03

They are divorced and he should have been quick and firm in setting clear personal boundaries with hernow that he is in a new relationship. He should have told her from the outset that he was in a relationship and any communications between them should be limited to neutral discussions about the DC etc.

Personally, I am rather pessimistic about this situation as I feel that if he was straightforward about this matter and a good and sensible man, he would have taken the above steps FIRST.

Nevertheless, if you feel that you want to continue in this relationship, I reckon you should have a calm but firm discussion with him about the need to set personal boundaries and what steps that will consist of i.e. he will contact her to make it clear x, y and z contact appropriate but not anything else as he is in a relationship. There will then be no need for you to snoop.

Just an aside on snooping, it's a bit of a vicious circle and I think that it isn't acceptable to do snoop in relationship but it is understandable where the other partner has contributed to trust issues. He hadn't been clear with his wife, she then texted him a naughty video, you then became suspicious and checked his phone. He says he would prefer you to trust him, but if that is the case, then he must MAKE SURE YOU ARE ABLE TO TRUST HIM. Sorry for caps, but obvs this means that he needs to put in place clear boundaries with third parties.

This is a shit situation and I'm sorry you are experiencing this flowers. I hope you manage to resolve it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now