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if you asked me to marry you right now I'd say no.

(24 Posts)
freshlysharpenedpencils Wed 12-Nov-14 10:26:25

I think my boyfriend is going to ask me to marry me at Christmas. I can't say the above sentence to him can i? but at the moment - I think the answer will be no which worries me. We have a child together. I don't know if we are just going through a shitty time but he's constantly in a bad mood and he takes it all out on me. He also never ever wants to go out. Ever. I've made many mistakes before with men and I don't want to make another one. I needed to say the sentence somewhere! So I have. There - rant over.

jasper Wed 12-Nov-14 10:30:10

please don't.
He might not ask, but if and when he does you can discuss your concerns then

CMP69 Wed 12-Nov-14 10:31:54

I think you should talk to him now regardless of any proposal. You sound very unhappy sad

strawberryshoes Wed 12-Nov-14 10:32:18

You might not be able to say those words to him, but you can say "what's up with us recently? You always seem moody and I get the brunt, do we need to have a chat?". And if he says no you can tell him to stop being a moody sod then.

Tackle the never going out separately - ask him if he wants to go somewhere and when we says no, tell him you have noticed he never wants to go out and this bores you - see what he says.

He might realise you are not too impressed with him and won't propose until you decide if things can be worked on or you need to exit.

Viviennemary Wed 12-Nov-14 10:34:37

You already are committed to him. If you are not happy you need to talk now rather than wait for some proposal that might or might not happen. You sound really miserable and have to decide if this is just a bad patch or if the future is going to be not much better or even worse. Hope things work out. He sounds a bit depressed if he never wants to go out.

TsukuruTazaki Wed 12-Nov-14 10:35:48

I would discuss this and tackle the issues, but without mentioning marriage! Just say you've noticed lately blah blah blah, how can we fix it?

freshlysharpenedpencils Wed 12-Nov-14 10:41:58

yes - I have sort of spoken to him - Ive said he's snappy and moody - he always just says that he's stressed with work. Which I get - but it need not be taken out on me. The never going out thing is just his personality - he just wants to stay in. He says he has to go out every day to work so his idea of relaxing is staying in. Not 'having' to go out. I, on the other hand am the opposite.

freshlysharpenedpencils Wed 12-Nov-14 10:45:15

I didn't really think I sounded that miserable. i'm more angry. The marriage thing is just on my mind as Christmas is approaching and this morning that is the sentence I was saying in my head. But really - I'm not that miserable blush

TheHermitCrab Wed 12-Nov-14 10:57:10

You are already in a committed relationship with a child, and that is more important than a wedding ring. Why only approach this in terms of a marriage proposal?

Discuss your problems properly, and tell him his excuses aren't enough. a "bad mood" and "not going out" is a bit vague though.

My partner hates "going out" as in nights out drinking, dancing, music, even though that's how we met and what we used to do as friends for years, he's "grown out of it" (he's only 27 lol) (I'm 7 months pregnant now so irrelevant anyway). But loves to go out as a couple, meals, cinema, museum, socialising with other couples...etc which is much better anyway in my opinion. Or we have nice nights in together, meals in, films, music, board games (haha yes board games!) anything that is social time as a couple and not just sitting around sighing.

Maybe you need to approach what you both see has having a good time, especially if he's stressed with work, and the only social activities suggested are things he doesn't enjoy?

Quitelikely Wed 12-Nov-14 11:08:49

I think a proposal is the least of your worries.

TheHermitCrab Wed 12-Nov-14 11:14:34

Quitelikely - how is that comment even helpful?

Joysmum Wed 12-Nov-14 11:30:25

My first thought on reading any thread like this is how important language is.

Telling somebody they are snappy and moody may well be the truth but it's not helpful and could escalate things.

Instead, saying you can see they aren't as happy as you'd like them to be and saying you want to help improve things is more constructive and caring and more liable to get you somewhere as it takes blame out if things and reminds them they have a partner they can rely on.

Lweji Wed 12-Nov-14 11:39:48

The main question is, at this point, do you want to still be with him?

It is not a good sign that he takes it out on you to start with.
Talk to him, go to couples counselling if necessary, but don't stay with him if things don't improve (genuinely improve).

What's your financial situation? What happens if you were to split now?

Lweji Wed 12-Nov-14 11:41:30

You are already in a committed relationship with a child, and that is more important than a wedding ring.

It's not financially committed though.
Marriage is not only about a ring. It's a financial contract too.

fancyanotherfez Wed 12-Nov-14 11:54:36

I would say having a child together is a commitment to the child, and to co-parent. Even if parents are not together, they should be committed to their child whether they are committed to each other or not.
Marriage is a commitment to each other. In your case, I would say that you need to work out if you want to be committed to him, outside of your joint commitment to your child. You can say no to the marriage. Its not compulsory just because someone asks you, and you can always explain why you don't want to and see if he bucks up his ideas. Also, will you be disappointed if he doesn't ask?

Windywinston Wed 12-Nov-14 12:31:03

You need to start talking about how he's making you feel. You don't need to say you won't marry him - he hasn't asked yet, but you need to make him realise that his current behaviour is making you so unhappy that you're questioning how committed you are to your future together.

DollyDreamboat Wed 12-Nov-14 12:33:36

He might be in a bad mood because he's stressing about proposing? My DP has organised some lovely surprises for me over the years, and with hindsight, during the build-up to them, he has been really moody....

ouryve Wed 12-Nov-14 14:22:56

You should definitely listen to what your subconscious is telling you. The fact that you couldn't say yes right now does suggest that the relationship is coming to an end. And, if he's too "stressed" to be loved up with you, now, then that's not going to get any better as you get older, more tired and so on.

There's an active thread in this relationships folder, right now about "bids" in a relationships and how they can predict the course of that relationship. I think you might find it a real eye opener, if you haven't seen it, already.

Joysmum Wed 12-Nov-14 14:30:46

Interestingly enough, I've posted the story of how I proposed to my now DH.

We'd just had a stonking great row and were laid in silence on sofas at opposing sides of the room.

I looked over at him thinking 'what a wanker', then it hit me, he was my wanker and I couldn't ever imagine being without him, even though I was fuming. I went over, got on one knee and proposed.

It's all too easy to think you're both good marriage material when things are going well and romance takes over, in reality, the best time to consider marriage is in your worst times as these are the times that show you how well you both function together when life gets you down.

If you aren't able to accept him at his worst, you're right not to get married until his worst, and yours, is good enough to marry.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Wed 12-Nov-14 14:37:19

Joysmum that is oddly, unexpectedly romantic. Congratulations to you flowers

OP I agree with everyone else, it sounds like you're not happy with the status quo of the relationship regardless of legal status, so I'd suggest a discussion is in order anyway, without needing to mention the 'm' word. Do you think he his happy how things are, if you're expecting a proposal?

Joysmum Wed 12-Nov-14 14:41:48

We've been together over 2o years now grin

I'd planned to romantic proposal but that moment made me realise my priorities were different. Itveas a risk, but one I needed to take to gain more reassurance. My parents marriage wasn't brill, it took me 3.5 years before we married and another 2.5 years after that before we were ready to try for kids. I wanted to be as sure as I could be due to my past smile

stiltonandmerlot Wed 12-Nov-14 14:45:36

It's OP here - had to re-register - long story.

Firstly - I was focused on the 'marriage' aspect this morning as we have talked a lot about it since our child was born and as I presume it will be at Christmas - and we are nearly there it was on my mind this morning. My post was saying my little rant out loud. Childish thing to think? Definitely.

We are completely committed to each other and to our child. Lately things haven't been great as neither of us are good with stress.

I think my thought about marriage this morning was more a childish remark in my own head "Well if you asked me right now! Id say no anyway!" sort of thing. Which is why I said it on here and not to him.

Already spoken to him about things today and he has apologised for how he has been lately and we have arranged an evening out. Trust me - I have known him over eight years and we have been through a lot. I have loved him at our absolute worst and our best.

Thanks for all your replies.

Joysmum Wed 12-Nov-14 14:47:56

In that case, I can appreciate a ranting thread, made the mistake of doing that myself once never again

I wish you the best in whatever your future holds for you thanks

aprilanne Wed 12-Nov-14 14:57:35

is it not a bit late to be worrying about that you have a child together .you are tied together even if you split .maybe find out if there is something bothering him then he may put off the proposal .

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