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Opinions pls. Should I be as worried as I am about all this?

(34 Posts)
perfectmummy Tue 11-Nov-14 20:18:17

Bit of background:
my PD of 10 years works over seas about 2 -3 time s a year in the far east for a couple of weeks or so at a time. We have 2 DC (4 and 7). Have had a few minor issues regarding trust/telling the truth in the past but nothing serious.
He is currently away and by accident has left me with his password to one of his work email accounts (he has a few). I had a look! Last time he was away he contacted someone who by the name of the email is a woman. Her email address is the Philippines but not the country where she lives now. They only emailed and he has her email address saved on his account. No phone number though. He asked if she remembered him and he was in the city for the next 2 nights if she wanted to meet up. She replied asking how long he was here. Unfortunalety for him it was too late and his reply was he was on the way to the airport but hoped to meet next time............
Role on last week. He emailed her again would she like to meet up. He was in town on various dates over the next 2 weeks. I had sent her a blank email the night before (mainly cos I was fuming) which hadn't been returned or responded to but his got a bounce back failure. She must have deleted the account.
I have also seen evidence of a BlendR account - meet this woman etc etc. which talked about his account (not sure if he had set one up or not). How would I find out?
I have to wait more than a week for his return. Please help me get my head round this. Could he be meeting a woman for sex?? Why would she not have given him her phone number??
Shit! What should I think and what should I do.
Sorry for the rant. Really confusing myself about whether this is a big deal or not!

Liara Tue 11-Nov-14 20:20:24

Could this be a work contact?

AddToBasket Tue 11-Nov-14 20:20:41

Oh dear. I think you need to ask him about this. I reckon he'll lie, but you'll know he's lying.

What do you mean by trust/telling the truth issues in the past?

Quitelikely Tue 11-Nov-14 20:21:01

I think it is a big deal. I think it looks like he wants to meet her for sex.

Proving it or getting him to admit it is a whole other headache.

So sorry.

something2say Tue 11-Nov-14 20:23:26

Sounds like a prostitute to me.

perfectmummy Tue 11-Nov-14 20:34:48

would prostitutes normally not give phone no.? Seems odd he only has an email. I guess she would also immediatly delete email account if she thought she has been caught out? Worried about legal implications in the country maybe??
Issues in the passed with silly lies about meeting old (girl) friend for lunch, smoking cigs (gave up officially 10 years ago). Nothing major but lies all the same which although I knew the truth he still did'nt admit.
Just not getting the email thing. Do prositutes these days use email. What would be the benefit rather than phone?
Anyone know about this BlendR?? Would he only get emails about meeting women etc. if he had set up a profile?
Bloody hell. At the mo. I'm playing it cool. Have spoken to him since. Want to ask to look at Fb and phone messages when he gets back and see what he says.
Oh forgot to say he changed the password 24 hours after his email to her. I asume when he realised I was on the account to.

perfectmummy Tue 11-Nov-14 20:44:21

wouldn't start work email... remember me. though surely? - he works in HongKong. Extreme sweeping statement but there r a lot of filipino working girls in HK I know!

AddToBasket Tue 11-Nov-14 20:47:43

Don't do this over the phone, wait til he is home. Meanwhile, gather absolutely everything you can about his financial poisition (EVERYTHING, if he's lied to you about smoking he may well have lied about the finances).

Sorry to sound so blunt but I think your instincts are right. And I think you need to be ready.

Have you got a RL friend who can hold your hand?

26Point2Miles Tue 11-Nov-14 20:50:13

Sounds fishy... Sorry

perfectmummy Tue 11-Nov-14 20:51:33

Thanks. I have told me sister and she says wait and ask to his face for an explanation.
Have a RL friend for coffee tom. monning might talk to her. Quite worried about it going further though. claiming my DP has tried or met up with a hooker is is rather big deal if I'm wrong

26Point2Miles Tue 11-Nov-14 20:54:09

Well he's tried to meet up with someone!! Casually.... As it didn't matter much I doubt it can be passed off as a work thing

perfectmummy Tue 11-Nov-14 20:55:17

Pretty sure he doesn't have any money stashed. We r ok. Not well off. His job is not that well paid although it sounds quite glamorous.
We aren't married and although I work part time I earn very little.
I will end up with nothing I guess as well! Its going to be a long 10 days beofre he returns. He is due back on my birthday! Will be one to remember!

MaryWillis23 Tue 11-Nov-14 21:08:09

don't ask him if he's been seeing or trying to see a hooker. from my previous experience if you go in with guns blazing he'll be more snidey as he'll automatically defend himself and you're less likely to get the truth. i think if it was a working girl or something sexual the emails would tell the tale- they'd be flirtatious and suggestive.. from your message they are not? don't be negative and down till his return. you've got 10 days to release anger and tears so you're ready for a rational conversation on his return. i hope it all works out x

AddToBasket Tue 11-Nov-14 21:23:48

Snoop now while he is away. Snoop really hard.

perfectmummy Tue 11-Nov-14 21:43:15

don't know where? he is so disorganised cant make any sense of his paperwork.

AddToBasket Tue 11-Nov-14 22:08:59

Are you married? Do you have joint accounts?

Diagonally Tue 11-Nov-14 22:17:12

Blendr is a dating / meetup app like Tinder. You can sign up using FB or separately.

You get email notifications when someone sends you a message or favourites you, etc.

He's obviously contacting / meeting other women which for me would be an absolute deal breaker in a serious relationship. I'm sorry.

perfectmummy Tue 11-Nov-14 22:27:36

we aren't married. have a joint account but he also has business and a personal account which is online so no paper statements.
Just looked on AdultWork which I have googled and seems well used for these things. Someone with the same name added her details to the site as an escort on the same night she deleted her email account. Oh god. How can I deal with the next 10 day b4 confronting him on my BIRTHDAY !

AddToBasket Tue 11-Nov-14 22:31:35

PerfectMummy - don't wait til he is back. You have 10 days to sort out what you are going to do BEFORE he finds out you know. If you can, don't let on and try to get to the bottom of his financial position.

Can you find pay slips? Details of any financial products? ISAs?

And get to a solicitor. Even if you decide you want to make this work, you should have speak to someone who can tell you about your financial position. Who owns the house?

(Sorry to be so blunt, but I think he's lied to you before, he's using girls, you need to leave/kick him out.)

nozzz Tue 11-Nov-14 23:07:41

Will you be in contact with him before he arrives home, OP?

perfectmummy Tue 11-Nov-14 23:29:35

just checked Adultwork Hong Kong and an escort with a very similar name registered on 5th nov. same day as she deleted the email address when i sent blank. looks like its confirmed then.sad face

Tobyjugg Tue 11-Nov-14 23:30:16

I'm doubtful about her being a "working girl" as using a work email to make such a contact is asking for serious trouble from your employer. Speaking as a bloke, I think he's emailing a woman who's a colleague or who he's met through work to see about having a quiet drink - it's very lonely and dull being in a hotel when working away from home after all.

Whether it would start and end with just a quiet drink is another question entirely.

Cabrinha Tue 11-Nov-14 23:42:34

I dumped my XH for using prostitutes. Many state in their adverts that they will not reply to phone / texts from new clients, email only. I expect it helps to weed out the teenage boys / time wasters / wives!
So yes, prostitutes use email. I see you've found Adultwork - so you already know how professionally contact is managed.

I can well imagine a complacent man using a work address. Prostitutes are discreet. If you have met before, the email need only arrange a time and place, nothing incriminating on the email.

I think given you also know he has a BlendR account, and the timely change of email password, that sadly he is cheating on you. I'm sorry.

I would use the time to dig as much as you can. Bank / credit card statements.

Tobyjugg Tue 11-Nov-14 23:45:00

If he's using work email he's complacent and dumb!

Cabrinha Tue 11-Nov-14 23:55:37

It is my experience that the same entitled aspects of a personality that support the cheating, also support the work email complacency, Toby!

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