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FiL dying/marriage falling apart

(7 Posts)
pinkhalf Tue 11-Nov-14 14:22:56

I have so much on my plate I need some advice.

My marriage is on the rocks. A few weeks ago it became borderline abusive. My husband threw an object at me. This was in a run of incidents, where my husband had chosen to lose his temper. I told him I didn't want to live like that, and he had to get anger management, otherwise the relationship wasn't going anywhere. I felt that he had crossed a line. Mentally I decided to give it six months to see if it got better. If not, then leave. We have a 3 year old child, two very demanding jobs and I thought it would be rash just to go.

A week later, with us still barely talking, his father was hospitalised. It seems likely that he will die, as the conditions he has are not curable. He sits at home with oxygen, incapable of doung anything. His father is an unpleasant, manipulative man, very narcisstic.We don't get on and years ago I went no contact after years of mad letters, offensive comments and insults. The final straw was when he told me that my mother was selfish for committing suicide. Now this man is dying, and my husband who is an only child, is feeling the pull to go home and help his mother, who is in her seventies. She cannot do it alone without some serious impact on her own health which is not good. They live overseas and have some care help but not much else.

I see that this a horrible experience for my husband, and that it will be emotionally a very tough time. And of course the natural feel as a wife would be to support him as I have always done. But I find myself very angry about the way he has treated me, and all I see is that my need will conveniently go on the backburner. Nothing will happen. I see that my husband has much on his plate, but so do I. This time, I feel very angry instead of sympathetic.

I don't know what to do.

Kewcumber Tue 11-Nov-14 14:26:00

If he goes then it will be a good dry run for you for what your life will be like without him surely. Arrange for him to pay the appropriate amount into an account for bills. Then set up a new account for you and transfer that money on and carry on as if you were having a trial seaparation.

Unless I'm missing something... surely what you want is for him to live elsewhere?

Happymum1985 Tue 11-Nov-14 19:51:38

Why dont you use this time of being separate as a trial run. It might be the best or worst thing to happen to your marriage?

Meerka Tue 11-Nov-14 20:07:37

This is a bit of a turning point either way. It sounds like he's forfeited all right to expect compassion and support, but you might choose to offer it anyway. If you don't, the marriage is definitely dead. If you do, it may or may not improve ... If you wish to give it that chance. Tbh it doesn't sound very likely, but it could just improve.

If you do choose to offer support, you can't offer it in the expectation that it'll be rewarded though. You'd have to do it becuase you want to, because he's going through a difficult stage in anyone's life.

I also think you need to be careful to protect yourself and your daughter. The death of a parent can trigger some pretty emotional feelings, not all of them easy to handle. An already anger-prone man might become worse.

something2say Tue 11-Nov-14 20:28:38

I would send him over there and then never get back with him. The double loss he faces is his problem. It doesn't matter if they sideline you. Abusive people will do that to you. The difference is, will you allow it? You don't have to say anything, just let him go to take care of the dad and you quietly move towards ending it.

AnyFucker Tue 11-Nov-14 20:31:24

Send him over there.

Then get on with your life.

I am sorry, I don't see the problem (other than it's all so shit, of course). There is no expectation on you to go abroad with him is there ?

AddToBasket Tue 11-Nov-14 20:33:55

Do you think the change in behaviour is because of the stress of his father being ill? If you've got DCs I'd be inclined to cut him some slack if you can. However, that obviously doesn't mean putting yourself or DD in harm's way.

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