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No DC. but... No sex either?

(30 Posts)
Espii Tue 11-Nov-14 14:21:34

Once a week! We have no DC, nor are we tired. I work all day, he works evenings, I have to go to bed but not to sleep when he gets in.
He wants to watch telly, I want some intimate "boyfriend time". Once a week, on a weekend, lasting 10 minutes, aint enough.
What do I do? I daren't bring it up because every time I bring the ussue of sex up, it goes in one ear and out the other.
I used to initiate a lot but as I am a very paranoid person, I'm scared he'll brush me off.
He is a very lazy person. The reason he hates foreplay. On me. He's fine with it on him.
I love him so much, but I also love sleeping with him. It's not even been two years since we got together fgs. it's excuse after excuse, or at least, thats what it's sounding like to me.
what do you think?

LiviaEmpressoftheUniverse Tue 11-Nov-14 14:24:28

I am concerned that the last 'no sex' thread we had was not genuine and therefore do not wish to commit myself to making the same sensible answer on this one.

Oh, ok, here goes:

Sack him. Leave him. Say goodbye.

Espii Tue 11-Nov-14 14:26:59

Oh no I love him too much, sex isn't the be all and end all, i just want more of it. he's my man, y'know? Just seems a bit strange that it's once a week when we don't really have anything to do.
I would just like to point out, I am genuine.

Kewcumber Tue 11-Nov-14 14:28:01

You might love him so much. But it doesn;t sound mutual.

Go and find someone who wants you - this is only going to get worse.

Espii Tue 11-Nov-14 14:29:31

He's happy, I know what he's like, if he wasn't happy, or getting it elsewhere, I'd have been long gone. He'd have got rid of me a long time ago. He's just lazy.

Kewcumber Tue 11-Nov-14 14:29:34

If he is such a gem that you can't possible leave him then you will have to put up with someone who isn't much bothered whether they have sex with you as much as you would like. Forever.

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 11-Nov-14 14:47:17

He's this lazy after two years? Imagine how he'll be after ten!

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair Tue 11-Nov-14 14:55:23

So you can't talk to him about it, or if you do he takes no notice, you don't want to leave him because you luffs him so much, what exactly do you want from this thread?

I wouldn't stand for that tbh. Dp and I have 5 DCs but he still puts in a good hour most days, sometimes twice, making sure I'm happy. I can't imagine feeling very desirable if he wouldn't do that but still expected it himself.

Your dp sounds like a selfish arse and sadly there's no cure for that.

Jan45 Tue 11-Nov-14 15:09:33

2 years and it's down to ten minutes once a week, that's just not about being lazy, he sounds totally non sexual, aside that, who wants a lazy partner, not a turn on.

If he aint interested in tearing your clothes off then it's time you found a man that does.

InfinitySeven Tue 11-Nov-14 15:14:17

Why do you have to go to bed when he comes in?

CarbeDiem Tue 11-Nov-14 15:19:06

The reason he hates foreplay. On me. He's fine with it on him

I think this ^ pretty much sums it up.
Coupled with the fact he doesn't listen when you try to talk about it makes him a very selfish, lazy and uncaring partner who instead of partaking in mutually pleasing sex, see's you as little more than a human spunk bucket to deposit into/onto when he deems fit.
It's unlikely he'll change and believe me your own self esteem will plummet further the longer it continues.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 11-Nov-14 15:22:32

You sound desperate. Why not get rid of this man (who basically doesn't care whether or not you are happy as long as you are obedient and do the housework) and spend some time being single?

ellengeorgia Tue 11-Nov-14 15:23:06

10 mins really? If he cares about you he should be able to get pleasure out of giving you pleasure, not be lazy about it! I am lazy but not about sex... about chores and things I don't like doing

ellengeorgia Tue 11-Nov-14 15:26:15

was that other thread made up then? the one about the Officer

nicl03 Tue 11-Nov-14 15:27:26

I would honestly talk to him about it you can't go on like this 10 minutes doesn't do it for anyone, if it's like this after 2 years you're not gonna be together for 10. Is he happy?

Espii Tue 11-Nov-14 15:53:48

We don't even live together. We can't afford to.
I have to go to bed at 11pm when he gets in because I have to get up at 6am. I don't have to go to sleep, I just like to be settled down. It's very rare we actually get into bed together, but, as I say, we don't live together. The more I think about it, it might be due to the lack of privacy. I'm into stuff he's never tried before and we can't try it because of the lack of privacy. 10 minutes is all we have until someone manages to walk in becuase they want to use the xbox or something. I don't want to out myself to staying at that even though it's drip feeding.
Back in the day, infact, this very month, two years ago, before we were even together properly, it used to be 2 hours, non stop. I've spoken to him, and will speak to him again when I see him tomorrow. we used to do all sorts of stuff that we now can't do because of lack of privacy. But, even if I do have to be up for work, I can, and have, survived on a few hours sleep. I wouldn't mind if he woke me up, he's done that a few times. Forgive me if I seem like a hopeless romantic, but I don't believe that the "honeymoon period" should be over yet, especially for a couple in their VERY early 20s!

Espii Tue 11-Nov-14 15:55:14

ellen yeah i think it was but I didn't see it.
i don't want people thinking im making it up -i'm not
realised the thread is pointless as, as I thought about it, I can't do fuck all about a family of 7 in one house, it's inevitable someone's going to walk in!
fuck sake. money is the one thing why this is a problem. This is what I get for saving up to buy a house -.-

Espii Tue 11-Nov-14 15:57:05

He tells me all the time I make him happy. He makes me happy. just, I want more sex as shitty cheap vibrators aren't doing it for me while I'm at home. I want the real thing. I'm only there 4 nights a week, but there's the thing, the privacy thing. there isn't any

InfinitySeven Tue 11-Nov-14 16:07:01

If this is his level, though, you'll never be able to get him to permanently raise his game.

You can talk to him until he puts the effort in, but it'll dwindle, and you'll have to talk to him again, and he'll try again, but it'll dwindle, and the pattern will repeat until you stop asking because you are frustrated and it feels pointless. If your sex drives are fundamentally incompatible, it'll cause a lot of tension.

He also needs to prioritise private time, and so do you. If you're going to bed at 11pm, and he has just got in, he is unlikely to feel immediately horny and come and join you. Could you compromise a few nights a week, and unwind watching TV with him? What time does he usually go to bed? There must be a compromise time when you can both retreat to the bedroom.

However much privacy you get, though, wherever you are, if he is satisfied with 10 minutes once a week and you're not, you won't have a smooth ride. Especially after 2 years. I'm early 20's too, and I've been with DP for 7 years, and I'd have gone insane at that level. Two years isn't long enough for the interest to have completely rubbed off.

Jan45 Tue 11-Nov-14 16:12:05

You are mental if you think ten minutes a week of sex is ok, and at 2 years most couples are at it like rabbits. Now it just sounds as though you are making up excuses for having such a crap sex life. The reason you have a crap sex life is because you have a crap partner who quite likes foreplay on him but can't be arsed doing the same back - lazy doesn't even come close, good luck, if it's like this at 2 years this is the best you are gonna get.

Espii Tue 11-Nov-14 16:15:42

The TV is in the bedroom and there is a one seater arm chair. I have to sit on the bed, so either way, I am in bed. Or, he plays xbox. I am a gamer but I am too tired by 11pm to sit and play with him. Our bedroom is our space, but it is also a shared bedroom too. Massive room, just, it's shared. He usually comes to bed at 2-4am.
I want to dress up in leather and be really kinky. He's not into that, or has at least never tried it. I think it's the epitome of sexy. I will buy new lingerie but he doesn't care about the lingerie, just whats underneath it. I'm into some pretty freaky stuff but we can't practice it unless we get our own place. for now, I just want two hours of really good, solid, rough sex. I hurt my leg so I can't really walk anyway. I remember this time 2 years ago I couldn't even walk round a shopping centre the day after because i was completely ruined in the best of ways! It was amazing! I've told him i want that again, but he doesn't give an excuse, doesn't give a promise, just agrees.
I think he wants it too. My house was private, and isn't anymore. His house has never been private.
and there's nothing I can do about my sex life.

ouryve Tue 11-Nov-14 16:16:18

2 years is a small fraction of the rest of your life.

How lazy would he be in 10 years? Or when you have children? What else is he lazy with?

If you're this mismatched, now, he's not a keeper.

Espii Tue 11-Nov-14 16:17:34

i never said it was okay jan and we used to be, but then the person who shares the bedroom stays at home all the time.
now, we can't be at it like rabbits.
10 minutes is all we get. See when I started this thread all I was thinking was ereeee hang on a minute, where's my sex gone?
Now I realise where it's gone.
It's gone with my ability to actually get changed in the bedroom on a morning and having some privacy when I get out of the shower. -.-

Espii Tue 11-Nov-14 16:19:41

our he's lazy with everything. He's been babied most of his life and has always had everything done for him. he has no responsibility and neither do I, really. the difference is, I want it now, and he doesn't. I want to be able to move out and at the same time enjoy holidays while looking after a house and such. That ain't gonna happen so I'm having to stay at home and make the most of a crap life at home where I spend most of my time alone, and a crap sex life there because we're never alone.

Jan45 Tue 11-Nov-14 16:24:18

No OP, your OH seems to think it's your fault for wanting more sex but I don't know anyone who'd be happy with what he is giving you which is a joke.

You sound very sexual and experimental, the complete opposite to him.

Sorry but I don't think his lack off sex drive is down to privacy, there's always ways and means, even a quckie would do, does he never take you away for a night or is that too much effort too. It's not just about sex, there sounds like there's is zero romance in your life.

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