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So stressed mum maybe got dementia, sister bullying her, trying to finish my degree and stay sane.

(15 Posts)
avocadosarentmiddleclassed Tue 11-Nov-14 13:46:54

My mum's had skitsophrenia my whole life, she left when I was two and my little sister was 1.
We visited her fortnightly as kids then for the odd weekend as we grew older, good contact, i speak to her ob phone regularly badically its imho the best it could be in this situation.
Sister now (aged 29) lives in France with her boyfriend who uses her for money sad
I live in UK 2 hours away from our mother. I have become increasingly concerned about my mum's memory loss and reduction in her self care so I suggested she go to Drs to see if all was okay.
Mum made me promise not to tell anyone about this and it has really upset her, coming to terms with the possibility that she may be suffering with dementia.
My sister can never really accept that our mum lacks get up and go and has just spent a 2 day visit in her flat telling her off for being lazy. My sister hadnt been to see our mum for 2.5 years before this visit and hadn't been there for 5 minutes before she told her to stag out of tge kitchen because she needed to bleach all of the bins and clean it from top to bottom.
This made mum (who on the whole manages really well) feel very upset/hurt. Noone critisises her more than herself so it was difficult for her to take.
A day after, I met up with my sister in London, she and I promised each other ages ago that we wouldn't talk about mum because we both view her condition so differently that we just argue because I think she's too hard on her and she thinks I am too excusing of her lack of motivation.
But I felt I had to tell my sister about the dementia assessment (mainly so she'd forgive mum for her "letting herself go").
But then she kind of turned on me.
Now, she's gone back to France having ruffled everyones feathers and I feel like I've lost a good friend, I would love to talk to her honestly but she is so adamant that she can fix everyone elses problems then head back to France for years.
Badically I think she is VERY unhappy and needs therapy to work through her pain and why she allows her boyfriend to free-load so much. I can't help her because she just cuts people off who wont go along with the lies.
And Im trying to finish my degree but all of this is really distracting me.
Thanks for reading, any advice gladly recieved.

avocadosarentmiddleclassed Tue 11-Nov-14 13:48:42

Sorry for bad spelling sausage fingers on iPhone!

JoanHickson Tue 11-Nov-14 13:51:48

That's sad for you all. Do you have other maternal family?

avocadosarentmiddleclassed Tue 11-Nov-14 13:53:47

I do but I'm not that close to them because my Dad bought us up so we didn't seem them much.

avocadosarentmiddleclassed Tue 11-Nov-14 13:53:58


JoanHickson Tue 11-Nov-14 14:04:40

Could you organise something with them for Christmas? Maybe let them see the determination in your Mum.

avocadosarentmiddleclassed Tue 11-Nov-14 14:07:25

Its hard because she sees them a lot so they just think its her pre-existing mental illness and all the drugs that come with it that makes her like that.
I want to respect her wish to keep it a secret as much as I can..

JoanHickson Tue 11-Nov-14 14:12:29

Leave it then. Focus on getting support for you. How can you do that?

avocadosarentmiddleclassed Tue 11-Nov-14 14:17:34

I do see a counsellor weekly so I can talk about the loss of my rl with my Dsis sad
I will wait for mum to tell me the exact diagnosis then go from there. Shes been talking about going into a home.
I'd like here to come to a home near me but she wont know anyone apart from me.
It's just stressful, thanks for your help

livelablove Tue 11-Nov-14 14:18:56

I think you need to think about what is going to happen to your mum if she does have dementia. Could she move closer to you so you could help her more if she needed more care you would be able to at least keep an eye on the situation and make sure she was being well looked after.

I guess it is hard for you and your sister having had a difficult childhood. Maybe send an email to her saying you dont want to fall out with her over this and want to sort things out. At the end of the day you both want your mum to be OK and you are each others closest family.

avocadosarentmiddleclassed Tue 11-Nov-14 14:26:47

Thanks, I want my mum to have as much say in what she wants to happen as possible.

We had a very difficult childhood which is why I value her friendship so much because we really get each other on many levels.

I have always gone to talking therapies of one form or the other and it's helped me process things but my sister doesn't beleive in that because she thinks it's admitting to having mental problems (like our mum).

I will write to her, thanks for the suggestion.


JoanHickson Tue 11-Nov-14 14:41:15

I think your Mum will have had such little choice in her life choices before, you are right not to pressure her move near you.

Clearly your functionality is much better than your DS , thanks to therapy.

avocadosarentmiddleclassed Tue 11-Nov-14 21:49:23

Yes thanks, it just feels like I've lost my sister and am losing my mum, it feels like greif to be honest.

InnocenceAndExperience Tue 11-Nov-14 22:00:53

It sounds really tough.

Some people really don't accept dementia. I've seen it in my own family when some people won't see what's obvious (to me).

I think your sister may just need some time to come round. She may need to process a lot of stuff before she can be 'with' you again, and as you say she doesn't have the talking therapy to help her to get there at your pace.

avocadosarentmiddleclassed Tue 11-Nov-14 22:48:27

Thanks innocence, I hadn't thought of that. She has a lot of critisism of the fact our mum lives in the past. But everytime we meet my sister does nothing but speak of the past. I think we must just trigger each other 'stuff' the difference is that I have an objectiveprofessional to speak to about it where she looks to me for help but I'm ineffective because I'm so involved. It's really tough but thanks for reminding me to give her time and space to digest everything in her own way.

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