Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Dealing with messages from exDH(12 Posts)
Every so often my ex will send me a message saying how much he misses me etc. I have no feelings like that for him, he cheated on me with prostitutes and god knows who else for about a year and we split in March, he moved out in July.
I was emailing him to sort out arrangements for the DCs for Christmas and then I got a sob story email back, I don't want these kind of messages from him. I'm trying to get on with things as best I can and actually on a practical level doing OK. I certainly don't miss him or want him back though. I know if he had found himself a girlfriend he wouldn't be bothered he is probably just on his own right now.
I know the answer is to delete the message but it plays on my mind, I just feel he's invading my privacy, y'know? any advice would be appreciated (I never respond to them by the way.
If he loved you, he'd realise you were better off without him.
Clearly it's still all about him. Hopefully if you see him for the selfish hurtful scum he is continuing to prove himself to be you'll not have it playing on your mind do much.
Thank you Joysmum, i hadn't thought from that perspective but you are totally right!
As above. He didn't respect you when you were married and he's not respecting boundaries now.
Just think of every text as an affirmation of why he's your ex and a spur to move on without the baggage of him actually being there.
Could someone you trust filter the messages for you, and just give you the answers to your questions and/or the details about contact? That way his rubbish wouldn't be in your head.
Thanks for responding it is about boundaries, he can't look me in the eye when he picks up the children but writes stuff like that, it does reaffirm why he isn't someone i want to have in my life anymore, apart from discussing the kids
my emails come through on my mobile so i see them kind of instantly, the next day im fine it just bothers me at the time then i delete them, wish he'd stop, he made his choice!
delete the next few emails. you've sorted the childcare, right, well leave it at that. email him and tell him If you think it's appropriate.
say something along the lines of "if you have something to email about the children, go ahead, if it's anything else then that's outside the boundaries of the relationship we have.
you bought women for sex, and that disgusts me, and has killed all good feelings I ever had for you. for now I see you as a necessary evil in my life, but thankfully I won't have to deal with you forever. perhaps you could pay someone to care/listen to you?"
yeah it's a sledgehammer to crack a nut, but he thinks he has the space to weep all over your virtual shoulder and he utterly doesn't.
nip this in the bud now.
you're doing really well btw! be proud of yourself! (((hug)))
my ex was abusive, used to love spinning the lines at me to try to get himself back in power.
I found one truth that was indisputable (that he told my best friend's husband that i'd been institutionalised for five years in an attempt to get her H to tell her NOT to be my friend, she was the only one I had left, he hated this and considered it a challenge). That truth was what kept me focussed and allowed me to get free of him and his poison.
So effectively he is still using you and abusing you. I think in your shoes I would sit down and spend another half an hour of my life on the pillock and email him telling him exactly (in words of one syllable if necessary as he is looking a bit thick) what he did wrong and how it made you feel and parts of your posting here about boundaries etc. Spell it out to him, put in plenty of phrases like 'this was your choice' and 'this is what you did when you chose to shag a prostitute' etc, laying it firmly at his door and finish with telling him that any further messages of this type will have you getting the police involved. The purpose of the email is for your benefit mainly though. You get to vent fully in a medium he can't argue with and it puts him straight. How bloody dare he still use you as a crutch when he treated you so badly. You will look like the bigger and more sorted person (which you are) and it will be a massive 'fuck off and get a grip' message for him. What a twat.
He'll get the message if you don't ever respond. Just keep it to essentials e.g about kids and ignore the emotional shiite he's spouting. I doubt it will take too long
It's emotionally draining at the time of the message isn't it. My stbxh sends me some awful texts, upsetting and complete bollocks. It's hard to ignore even after 10 months but as others have said, it really does reaffirm how toxic they are and how much better off you are without them! In a way, they're almost doing us a favour. That's the way I've had to start looking at it, anyway. I've stopped counting the amount of times I've given him a piece of my mind and it falls on deaf ears, (abusive arse just turns it all back on me), so I've stopped wasting energy on that particular route. Just now the ignore and refuse to engage seems to work best.
Be strong and remind yourself of how better off you are without him. My ex suddenly wanted details of what I was doing at weekends and tried to mess me around with money and was difficult. He will try to manipulate you and hate to see you getting on without him. When I ended my relationship and eventually started to take better care of myself he would see this and comment when picking up kids. I had to say no to him wanting spare keys, he got angry when i said no. You need to be firm and show no emotion and he will slowly back off. Only now do i see how he was emotionally hurting me. Your ex is still trying to control you with text he knows you will read.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.