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How to be a single parent?

(29 Posts)
Howtobesingle Mon 10-Nov-14 19:59:47

My P of 7 years left yesterday, I told him to go if he meant all the things he said as I couldn't live with someone who didn't respect me as a person. I have a 2yr old DS. I'm just sat here still in shock I guess trying to work out what the hell am I supposed to do now. I am a SAHM so financially I am worried, emotionally how do people cope when they just want to cry but keep a brave face for their children? He hasn't contacted me since not even to see how his son is. How can he shut off his feelings like that?
He told me he only sees me as our sons mother nothing more. We had been arguing on and off like what id imagine any normal couple would with a baby/toddler who never has never slept through a night. fights mainly were about me being annoyed that he was such a slob and i didnt feel I should do EVERYTHING for him, yes I would be happy doing all the childcare and 99% of housework but if he could mange to put his clothes in the laundry basket rather than the floor or wash up a dish after himself once in a while. Maybe I am just a nagging woman , im not even sure. I think he has done a bit of a number on my self esteem and has left me feeling like I should just accept this behavior, should I?
I just cant even believe I stood up for myself like that, I'm really not sure if I should ring and say sorry?
How do people cope with the crushing loneliness ?
Sorry this is a rambling post I am quite confused my thoughts just tumbling out .

Rebecca2014 Mon 10-Nov-14 20:23:21

He only left you yesterday. Are you sure he really has ended the relationship for good?

Quitelikely Mon 10-Nov-14 20:23:36

Do not ring him and say sorry.

If you are a father and a partner then you are supposed to act like one. This includes dedicating your free time outwith working hours towards your children, wife and home. Not sitting in your ass watching the chores/domestic scenery unfold before your eyes.whilst sat on your ass.

And you ask how to be a single parent? Well that will be super easy for you because you have been one all along!

Also do yourself a massive favour and insist he sees you son as much as possible so that you can put your feet up for once whilst he is chasing around after a toddler, getting a taste of his own medicine.

whyhasmyheadgonenumb Mon 10-Nov-14 20:28:01

Sounds like you were already a single parent! At least now you won't have to pick up his shit. You will be fine, I am much happier as a single parent.

Howtobesingle Mon 10-Nov-14 20:29:10

Thanks for replies.
I should have said he was good at putting son to bed it was something i insisted on from the start, well initially it was to be bath, book, bed but he started finding the bath too hard so i took over that.
I think what i will find hard is being sat in a house all alone every evening.
He is gone for good, it was almost as if he had it all planned out. He knew what he wants to take , what days he wants to see our son 2 evenings and one weekend morning.

Llareggub Mon 10-Nov-14 20:29:12

I'm a single parent, and I'm three years in now.

Take it one day at a time. If you are a practical sort, make a list of the things you need to do. Tax credits, for one, if you are now alone. Call them. Tell a friend, someone you can trust. The sort who will pop over and help with your DS while you cry or make phone calls.

Think carefully about what YOU want. Then see a lawyer. Educate yourself.

Be kind to yourself, and remember that you can do this - whatever it is you want.

As an aside, I'm much happier as a single mother than I was married to my husband. Life is easier in that respect but obviously in lots of ways it is harder.

Peppaismyhomegirl Mon 10-Nov-14 20:32:40

I focused on doing right for my child. In my weekends without my child a reminded myself of all the things that I love that make me me. Hobbies, dancing, drinks with friends. I began to live again, became truly happy and eventually, met someone who loves me like no one else has ever loved me. Because I found a love for myself that made sure I wouldn't settle for less again. Because my child deserved it. This is the beginning of the rest of your life.
Break the day into chunks if it is to much. So in the am we are going to xyz. I found the little victories encouraging and helped me build up to the big things. You will be happy, I'm sure of it

Quitelikely Mon 10-Nov-14 20:32:43

It only takes five minutes to put them to bed though!

Don't fret, you will meet somebody else. Learn from your mistakes and start planning for the future.

Oh and don't let him dictate everything regarding access, you decide what suits you......

Howtobesingle Mon 10-Nov-14 20:32:47

we were not married just engaged so i think financially i am on my own now. Doubt there is any need to see a lawyer?

whyhasmyheadgonenumb Mon 10-Nov-14 20:33:25

My ex has the DC Saturday evening - Sunday afternoon. I sit in my house surrounded by mess and love the experience of being completely alone, its so satisfying. Then I tidy up and do the shopping smile

Howtobesingle Mon 10-Nov-14 20:34:43

I cant handle the thoughts of having to share holidays and birthdays and having my little boy dragged from one house to another .

Llareggub Mon 10-Nov-14 20:35:06

Do you own the house or rent? You'll need a lawyer to agree finances for the support of your child, won't you? Or has he made you an offer you are happy with?

Howtobesingle Mon 10-Nov-14 20:35:55

I wonder if there is someone else. How else could someone just shut off feelings for there family like that.

Howtobesingle Mon 10-Nov-14 20:38:41

sorry for my random messages. I own the family home(thank god) but he has been paying mortgage since I became a SAHM.
I did not know you had to see a lawyer about getting money for DS actually . Gosh I have no savings left I used them all this last 2 years, how will i get a lawyer. I cant believe this is my life. Thank you all for replies.

Howtobesingle Mon 10-Nov-14 20:39:09

*their not there sorry

Llareggub Mon 10-Nov-14 20:49:32

Well, you might not need to. Do you know what he earns?

Howtobesingle Mon 10-Nov-14 20:52:40

I don't know an exact figure but I have an idea.

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 10-Nov-14 20:55:51

Do you own the house or rent? You'll need a lawyer to agree finances for the support of your child, won't you? Or has he made you an offer you are happy with?

Assuming the op is in the uk. No she won't. Unless he's very well off CM is not dealt with like that we have the child maintainance service who will do everything for her. She phones them applies pays £20 and they do the rest

CharlieBee Mon 10-Nov-14 20:58:26

Hi, I don't think you do need a lawyer for the child maintenance. There's a website calculator which will calculate how much 'should' be paid, and then you can agree it between you (ideally) or I think there are ways for them to collect it if he's difficult.

Also I agree with a pp that you don't need just to agree the access he wants. Maybe go along with it for now while you get your head together, but say that it is an interim arrangement. In the the longer term it needs to work for your child (most importantly) but also for you and him.

Sending hugs, and please do believe us when we say it will get easier xxxx

onionlove Mon 10-Nov-14 21:01:43

Hi hon,
I've been separated since July, things are a lot better than when he lived here thats for sure but it takes a little time.
Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much, I'm sure you'll do a fantastic job, there's lots of support out there, especially on here!
Take each day at a time and look for the small proud moments, for me it was sorting out my finances, even things like reading the meter and getting a refund from british gas! and doing practical things, your DS will be a great comfort and motivation I'm sure
Take care x

Howtobesingle Mon 10-Nov-14 21:04:59

Thanks for the link CharlieBee. it seems like so little money !! I know he earns over 60k , so he will get to go have a nice easy life with lots of extra cash to spend on himself. That doesnt seem fair all win win for him

CharlieBee Mon 10-Nov-14 21:48:15

Have you checked out how much you'd be eligible for in tax credits? Sorry if you have already looked at that and I'm stating the obvious, it's just that when my xh left it wasn't until I had a free half hour with a solicitor that I even realised I would be entitled to tax credits. Not that this helps with the heartbreak, but I remember that I felt so vulnerable money-wise (was also sahm when we split).

Howtobesingle Mon 10-Nov-14 21:59:19

I hadn't even thought to look there, just did, thanks every little would help. I guess I would get some unemployment while I look for a job though I hate the idea of this I was always so independent working full time now I'm going to be a practically begging for handouts.
It all just feels so weird. I feel numb or raw I'm not sure. I just want a hug. It's killing me not to ring him but I know if I do it will be like I'm saying you can treat me anywY you want. But gosh if I miss him so much today how much harder will it be tomorrow. And when will I have the turning point of it not being so bad.

Llareggub Mon 10-Nov-14 22:03:50

It's not really a handout. It's a help while you get sorted. He'll still have to contribute to his child.

I went back to work full-time initially after I separated and it really helped me recover, I think. I later went part-time once I'd got into the swing of things and now my DCs are school aged I am full-time again.

My DCs are fine too - they adjusted really well despite us moving house and schools afterwards. My youngest is 5 now so about the same age as yours.

CharlieBee Mon 10-Nov-14 22:20:27

I agree with Llareggub about going back to work - I found something part time and it has been a god-send. It's hard fitting in kids' school stuff, packed lunches, housework etc but it's so worth it for taking me out of myself and getting stuck in to something.

But you are at such an early stage you are probably a little in shock, so natural to feel numb, raw and like you feel you won't cope. So a day at a time. Stay focused on your DS in the day and have a cry when he's in bed. I think you're right that ringing your ex would send the wrong message. If you get back with him it needs to be on your terms, otherwise you'll live in fear that one day he'll just up and leave again when the going gets tough :-(( x

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