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Working Away How Do You Cope and other things.

(19 Posts)
Pacificrum Mon 10-Nov-14 19:32:16

I'm sure there have been threads about this but I'm struggling massively. I've also NC'd but have another thread. Pom bears, naive ham and so on.

We have several small children whom we both adore. We have had serious issues relating to bereavement, trust issues (no infidelity as far as I'm aware) job loss, you name it we've pretty much been there. He's been here throughout but it's not been enough in the sense all the practical things are done, I'm getting there taking into account health/disability issues on my part but I don't feel I've any emotional support. He gets very upset as he says he's trying his best but I've developed a horrible anxiety about lots of things. One being him leaving. Deep down I know he loves me but I'm constantly upset with him which he thinks isn't fair and mostly it's not but I am struggling so much that I can't even articulate how I feel.

He's away now and I feel absconded. I'm an adult ffs!!!

How do I stop being so sad at all the loss we've been through and how do I stop blaming him for not being able to 'make it all on'. I'm tired of being so fucking sad as I should be grateful for what I do have shouldn't I?

Pacificrum Mon 10-Nov-14 19:33:31

Absconded? Abandoned.

WildBillfemale Mon 10-Nov-14 20:07:04

This isn't your partners fault so don't take it out on him.
You need to deal with your anxiety and the underlying issues via counselling or doc.

Pacificrum Mon 10-Nov-14 20:12:57

I know it's not all his fault but he's been a big part of creating it though. To be fair he takes a lot of his frustration out on me. Vice versa. I had counselling at one point and the conclusion was I didn't need it so it wasn't continued by my psychotherapist. We do try as a couple to be supportive but everything that's happened re loss/bereavement becomes so overwhelming at times it's hard to stay sane. I've happily given up my career and the usual to stay at home over the past few years but our situation is far from ideal and we are finding it hard to change it for our family. I guess I'm looking for some guidance on how to stay strong and focused as I'm so lost with it all it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

InfinitySeven Mon 10-Nov-14 20:17:35

What is it that he has done, and what have you/he done to fix each of them?

At the moment, the post is too generic to be able to advise.

Pacificrum Mon 10-Nov-14 20:23:46

We have no time for each other which is an obvious and cliched fail.
What has he done? He's not been there when I've need him to be, lied to avoid conflict, stormed out for days when I've been so upset and angry at his drunken nonsense. Nothing tangible yet everything that's made me feel terrible. Recently he's wanted to change and put all his efforts into healing our family but I just can't suddenly forget his tantrums and lack if empathy for my grief and lack of trust that he's doing what he says he is.

Pacificrum Mon 10-Nov-14 20:27:37

I've not done much because I don't know how to move past the hurt I feel at how he deals with me ie his impatience for 'not getting on with it'. We've discussed incompatibility but have drawn the conclusion that circumstance has brought out our hidden faults and that we bring put the worst in each other. Sounds contrived and there most likely but I'm at a complete loss as how to move, on forgive and love to some extent unconditionally. He's very much the opposite when it comes to vocalising his thoughts on such things and I'm bit a mind reader.

Pacificrum Mon 10-Nov-14 20:37:47

Twee not there and not, not bit!! Sleep deprivation in action.

WildBillfemale Mon 10-Nov-14 20:38:19

Recently he's wanted to change and put all his efforts into healing our family but I just can't suddenly forget his tantrums and lack if empathy for my grief and lack of trust that he's doing what he says he is

Well it's not going to happen overnight but you've got to want it to get better and try to heal things or you'll end up splitting up anyway.
Over analysing just keeps you stuck.

Pacificrum Mon 10-Nov-14 20:48:01

Yes, logic and reason eludes me right now I'm afraid. I need a kick up the arse it seems! I'm cross and angry at him for now doing what's expected and he feel the same way about me. We live each other of course but have such a massive disconnect at the moment. We have very young children so we know that it's going to be part and parcel and we accept that it's a physical endurance that part is fine, the sleep deprivation is accepted what's not accepted I the monumental divide emotionally. Is this normal under the circumstance! I just done know these days what is or isn't to be honest.

Pacificrum Mon 10-Nov-14 20:50:32

More succinctly how do you stop over overanalysing? CBT? Does that help individually. Very isolated at the moment which has made me lose a bit if perspective, this is due to health issues if I may add.

WildBillfemale Mon 10-Nov-14 21:02:41

Someone once told me the bond between a couple is like a bit of thread. Sometimes due to various events it can get longer and longer and the couple seem far apart, other times it's short and the couple are very close when things are going well. The trick is to know if that thread is broken or not.

I'm no expert but there has to be the desire and will to move forward after a bout of problems, if you keep thinking the same way you just go round in circles, you need to find amazing willpower to break the cycle,it's not easy.

Maybe when you start to think the same circular thoughts say 'ENOUGH' to yourself mentally to break the cycle.
And take really really good care of yourself if you've been unwell.
Small steps and all that - Best wishes x

InfinitySeven Mon 10-Nov-14 21:12:46

I'm not sure this sounds like something that you can just forget.

It sounds like he made some big mistakes, including some behaviour that is never acceptable. He has now apologised, I presume, and he is invested in making things better.

But if he wasn't there when you needed him, if he proved himself unreliable when you were at your most vulnerable, then you won't be able to magic away those feelings. He doesn't really get a second chance at that. Your brain learns who you can rely on and who you can't, and if he wasn't there in the moment, it'll be a very long, difficult road of being able to trust him again. It makes sense that your head can't just forgive and forget, that it feels let down. It's self-preservation. It's reminding you that you shouldn't fall into a false sense of security, that you can't rely on him.

So first you have to work out whether you can. And then you have to convince your brain of that. CBT or therapy might help, but as you said, you've seen a therapist and she felt it was a normal reaction as well. Therapy won't convince your head to trust him. It can't. It can't override those natural, normal instincts.

Relationship therapy might be able to teach you ways to build a bond. It might give you somewhere to talk, and try and be productive. But again, it can't replicate that situation of needing him.

I guess my point is that you can't change the past, and so you can't convince yourself that he'd be there for you if the going got really tough again. You can learn to live with things how they are, and you can forgive him, but you can't change what he did and how your brain has responded to that, and if you can accept that your brain is just doing what it was biologically designed to do, that it's just keeping you going, you might be a little less frustrated and angry with yourself. You're blaming yourself a lot.

Is there any way that you can forge a new connection? Could you do date nights, in any sense? You need to find a way to connect and to fall in love again. You need to recreate the trust that you lost, and find a way to reboot the relationship and lose the pain and hurt. With young children, that will be tough, but it has to be a priority.

Pacificrum Mon 10-Nov-14 21:31:40

Everything you've boti said is exact right. I just want a jug from him which I do get but them I'm furious at the same time as he's the cause of the need for that ' please hold me I need a hug' and he does understand it claims to to absolve himself. I want to wipe the slate clean but it seems impossible right now. There's been no adultery and from what I've seen on these threads that would be insurmountable for me but the devastation I feel at his breakdown I. My trust is as bad. I couldn't cope with a sexual betrayal and he knows that and he wouldn't (according to him of course) do that my trust issues seem unfounded and trivial to him. I try and explain that there are most ways to compromise integrity mad he sys I'm being too hard and unfair on him. Maybe I am but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place right now and I don't see a way out.

Pacificrum Mon 10-Nov-14 21:32:38

I don't even know what boti means!! Predictive text in a language other than English? As I said I'm very tired!

Pacificrum Mon 10-Nov-14 21:33:04

Oh both I'd imagine

WildBillfemale Tue 11-Nov-14 07:21:19

I'm confused - there's been no cheating but exactly what is it he's done that has destroyed your trust??

Pacificrum Tue 11-Nov-14 07:46:31

He lied about a girl who came back to his house after a night out, said a picture I saw was at a party somewhere and it wasn't it was taken in his kitchen. Apparently about 10 people
Came back other than her. This was a years ago before we moved in but I've never forgotten that he lied. She sent him the picture and he was
Gushing about what a fun night it was.

At another night out he swore he hadn't used any drugs (he doesn't ever) but he had - I was pregnant at the time so I walked out when I discovered what he and his mate were up to.

Lied about a woman he used to work with saying she wasn't doing something at some project they were working on when she was. It was a very odd lie.

He minimalistic with the truth so I never quite know if I'm getting the whole picture from him and it's very stressful living with someone who does this.

He used to get drunk a lot although promised to stop, he's cut down a fair amount.

He has a terrible temper and can be cruel when angry and blame me as I provoke him. Yes I do point out things he does which upset me but I'm never malicious and he can be and he can be scary when

He treats men and women very differently and he will flirt with most women not overly but enough to ingratiate himself with them. I find it childish and annoying. He is quite short with other men as I guess he doesn't get the same things back from his female fan base or he he's such a great and kind guy! I live with him! I know how horrible he can be sometimes.

So a host of small niggly. things and if I say anything I'm be critical and unappreciative.

Pacificrum Tue 11-Nov-14 21:19:02

We had a fall out earlier by text about lack of support and he got angry with something said and he's turned his phone off and I'm really struggling at home with the kids as they are all playing up. He never does this so I doth know whether to be worried or angry with him. He's a million miles away so anything could have happened to him. I'm going round in circles tonight and my mind in spinning.

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