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My husband's co-worker

(80 Posts)
frustratedmama Mon 10-Nov-14 14:14:43

I need a bit of advice please, as I am not sure if I am just being a jealous wife or if there may be more to this.
My husband hired a very attractive young woman for his office a couple of months ago - she is very glamorous and seems like her looks are everything to her, as I have learnt from a bit of snooping that she is very lacking in the job skills department and that my husband is more or less holding her hand in all that she does - like they are a double act rather than employee and manager.
He said he employed her purely because he thought she could do the job, but the girl seems to barely be able to spell her own name, and was dismissed from her last company - hardly a glowing report. And he told me his boss agreed to give her the job after asking 'is she a looker?' despite my husband saying he was indifferent as to whether she was hired or not.
I first started to get worried about this when he started mentioning her name and her opinions on different things, then he said that all the guys were all over her at the work night out, and he had to defend her from their advances, and from an employee who was rude to her. He even asked this guy to apologise the following week and make amends as he did not want her to feel upset over it, but I think it was just a bit of banter at the bar.
Then he started telling me about her outside interests and constantly saying the guys are digging at him saying that he must fancy her and how could he not fancy her. I am sick of hearing it all and start to get annoyed about it, but he just denies that he finds her attractive or anything else. Then I heard that she was saying how her boyfriend gets jealous of her going away for overnights with work, and she had asked my husband if I mind him staying away.
He also didn't tell me about meetings he was going to with her on the other side of the country (because he didn't want me worrying).
I also met her recently and she was very nonchalant and not particularly friendly, didn't seem to even want to look me in the eyes.
I'm not sure what to think about all of this.
I will be interested to hear your responses, as this is all fairly new territory for me.


JeanSeberg Mon 10-Nov-14 14:19:27

I'd advise you to read this book.

If they're not already having an affair (emotional or otherwise), there's a very high chance they're about to.

dreamingofblueskies Mon 10-Nov-14 15:48:47

Have you voiced any of these worries to your DH?

RedPoppyRed Mon 10-Nov-14 15:53:33

Sorry that you are going through this OP.

Your DH is the issue not her. Nobody can force another person to cheat.
If you don't trust your DH then that is where the issue lies you need to talk. Stop focusing on her and start focusing on him.

1moreRep Mon 10-Nov-14 16:08:50

I am going to kindly suggest that perhaps because you feel threatened by her you give off a standoffish vibe- so that's why she was off with you? I feel sorry for her to be honest being dismissed as an interesting person because she is good looking. She has a boyfriend and maybe was asking your DH for advice as a genuine thing?

I am a young female and work in a male dominated profession and spend over 10 hours a day on my own generally with a man- if anything all the time I spend with them put me off them! It is possible to develop a good friendship at work without it becoming an emotional affair.

It comes down to trust and faith and weather you have it

hotblacktea Mon 10-Nov-14 17:09:31

do you trust him ?
has he given you any reason to be suspicious in the past ?
has his behavior towards you changed since he hired her ?

i think you should focus less (or not at all) on her and more on him, his behavior and how it makes you feel. have you told him all this ?

AnyFucker Mon 10-Nov-14 17:16:29


I recommend the Shirley Glass book linked upthread. Mainly, your husband needs to read it.

Don't carry on looking the other way. He is taking the piss massively even if he hasn't started anything with her (yet)

I would have slung my H out in her direction already in your situation. Do not try to be cool about may just be in time to give him the heads up and save your marriage. if he then chooses to carry on, you will know you at least tried.

Vivacia Mon 10-Nov-14 17:26:51

He fancies her. He's lied about going away with her for work.

Your problem is with him, not her!

MonstrousRatbag Mon 10-Nov-14 17:29:08

Don't fixate on her, what she looks like or how she behaves. Concentrate on your husband and whether you think he is acting appropriately.

Which he isn't.

So, what Anyfucker said.

Tryharder Mon 10-Nov-14 17:39:23

I think you have very little to go on, really.

Are you sure it is your DH that is talking about her a lot or is it that you are bringing up her name because you are feeling paranoid and therefore she is becoming a topic of conversation by default.

I am uncomfortable with the concept that a young, attractive woman is dismissed as barely being able to write her own name and incompetent. How do you know that? Men like up put down attractive women in a work environment and I can hardly imagine that someone totally unsuited for a job gets it purely due to looks.

Vivacia Mon 10-Nov-14 17:43:02

Good point Try how degrading for this person to have been discussed like this, and not have anyone stand up for her. "Is she a looker?" hmm

Quitelikely Mon 10-Nov-14 18:10:39

I think your gut is talking to you. So listen to it.

Nothing may have happened yet but it may well be on the cards.

It can't be nice for that girl to be talked about the way she is being by all the men at work either.

If she is poo at her job, your dh is quite right in trying to bring her up to standard, if with help she repeatedly fails to reach competency then he would be quite right to let her go..........

holdyourown Mon 10-Nov-14 18:13:45

The whole damsel in distress/knight in shining armour is a classic affair starter, sorry. Read Shirley Glass book mentioned above. Sorry you are going through this sad

frustratedmama Mon 10-Nov-14 18:16:55

I may have this all wrong - this is why I wanted advice.
To answer a few questions - yes i have expressed these concerns and he assures me there is nothing in it and says he can't understand why he told me all the above mentioned things. He also says he can see why other men find her attractive, but genuinely doesn't find her attractive himself.
I'm not sure that I feel it is entirely appropriate for a new employee to ask a senior member in the company and her manager how his wife feels about him being away from home - to me that is crossing a boundary - but maybe i am wrong on that also. It's certainly not something I would have asked my male manager.
I do trust him 90% but there is a niggling doubt from time to time, but very rarely. He hasn't done anything in the past apart from google naked women, go for private dances at lap dancing clubs then deny it to me, and generally ogle the odd woman from time to time.
I don't think he has changed towards me since she's been there, other than him mentioning her frequently, and then arousing my suspicion. Consequently, yes i do bring her up now.
She is poor at her job and he has backed this up, however he says she is there for the duration.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Nov-14 18:39:20

apart from google naked women, go for private dances at lap dancing clubs then deny it to me, and generally ogle the odd woman from time to time

That's quite a few big 'apart froms'.

AvonCallingBarksdale Mon 10-Nov-14 18:45:18

I do trust him 90% but there is a niggling doubt from time to time, but very rarely. He hasn't done anything in the past apart from google naked women, go for private dances at lap dancing clubs then deny it to me, and generally ogle the odd woman from time to time

Are you saying this ^^ in a sarcastic way, OP? Because those things you've listed would be really quite a big deal for a lot of women confused

AnyFucker Mon 10-Nov-14 18:46:05

Ah. Lying about private dances at LDC's ?

he is a proven liar then and thinks himself entitled to help himself to sexual experiences outside of his marriage, but can't be arsed to let you know what he is doing so you can make an informed choice as to whether to stay with such a creature

not looking good

frustratedmama Mon 10-Nov-14 18:47:55

no i was not happy about them - and felt very upset - but he led me to believe that each one was a one off and that the lap dance he got dragged along to to keep a client happy.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Nov-14 18:50:09

Of course. He would say that, wouldn't he ? Each one was a one off ? Erm, that's a rather glaring contradiction in terms.

frustratedmama Mon 10-Nov-14 18:50:34

he lied and lied through his teeth about the private dance - even when i had the evidence of the money out of our account - he came up with every excuse under the sun. He only admitted it when I threatened to leave our marriage because i knew he was lying. He then said yes he went but he got dragged and genuinely was hardly even looking/felt uncomfortable he said.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Nov-14 18:54:01

He's not much of a catch, OP. I am sorry.

Sickoffrozen Mon 10-Nov-14 18:54:40

There is no evidence of anything here.....yet !

I would keep my eye on it though.

People are assuming she would be up for an affair with a MM when she has a boyfriend. Bit unfair to assume that I think just because she is a "looker"

It's probably more a case of your husband having a crush on her (and what man doesn't fancy good looking women? Dont they all?)

She is most probably embarrassed if he is making it blatant.

Needs watching though.

MagnificentMalificent Mon 10-Nov-14 18:57:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Nov-14 18:58:19

Yes, she may not reciprocate, which is why the majority of posters responding to this kind of situation always say look to his behaviour and not hers

he is a proven disrespectful liar with fucked up sexual boundaries, so I wouldn't be maintaining a very wide margin of doubt here

AvonCallingBarksdale Mon 10-Nov-14 18:58:55

It's probably more a case of your husband having a crush on her (and what man doesn't fancy good looking women? Dont they all?)

Er, no. They don't all, IMO. I think there's a big difference between acknowledging someone is "good looking" and fancying them.

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