Wife's celebrity crushes

[TheBob37]

Hi, male first poster here. If I'm intruding please say, but I'd love a female opinion.

I know the title says it all, but I'd like to elaborate. Please bear with me because I like to explain things thoroughly.

I know there are men and women who get jealous of their partners celebrity crushes, and there are those who couldn't care less. Unfortunately I'm in a situation at the minute where I'm incredibly jealous of my wife's celebrity crushes and it's making me feel confused because I'm not sure if I'm being ridiculous or I have a valid point that needs some sort of resolution.

Me and my wife have been together for 13 years and married for 11. We always been deeply in love and our sex life has always been fantastic. She's always been a beautiful woman and I've always felt that she fancied the pants off me.

That was roughly until 2013. Unfortunately I developed a deep anxiety and depression brought on by my job that hit it's peak around the summertime. Eventually, in July 13' I quit my job and went to the doctor, got some pills, and resolved to sort myself out. During my depressed days I drank heavily, became moody, distant and unmotivated, and it really affect our marriage and sex life (as you would expect). By November I'd started to get a lot better and we agreed to make an effort to get back to the happy couple we were before.

I'd noticed I was putting on weight after I'd started taking my pills, and I also noticed that I was eating a lot more too. I'd put on a fair bit of weight, and this continued over Christmas and into the first few months of 2014 until I'd put on 4 stone!!!! Ridiculous, I know. This obviously led to me feeling pretty crap about myself and and my wife and I hadn't really rekindled the old flame. I felt (and still feel) that I'd made more of an effort to get things back to how they were, but because our sex life hadn't gone back to how it was this made me more paranoid about my weight. My paranoia and lack of self confidence led to me getting erectile problems and it's pretty much just stalled from there.

So, I get to my point (eventually, sorry about that). We've never been the sort of couple to obsess over celebrities, but I'm not an idiot and I know everyone fancies more than just one person. I've had a momentary crushes on some celebs, but once I'd seen them in other films or tv programmes it'd worn off very quickly and I didn't feel anything for them anymore. I'd noticed that my wife had made a couple of comments on facebook about a certain actor, and to be honest it didn't really bother me. A couple of weeks later the comments started to become more regular and involved different actors. Once again it didn't really bother me. Over the next few months and up to now it's become a daily occurrence. Her phone, iPad and Facebook page are cluttered with images of these famous crushes, as well as posting daily photos on Facebook of numerous famous hunks saying how sexy they are and how much she loves them. In fact one actor in particular she's always referring to being so 'in love' with and how she'd like to have a shower with 3 particular gentleman at once. In addition, the iPad internet history if jammed full of google searches for all of these hunky men on a daily basis as well as loads of screenshots of men saved in a folder on the iPad.

I approached the subject with her and said that what she was doing was upsetting me, especially due to my sexual problems and weight gain/self esteem issues. She said she understood but that I was being ridiculous and we'd been together long enough to not become jealous over these things. She said that her posts are always meant in a joking way. We agreed to disagree and she hasn't stopped doing what she's doing and it's really grating on me now. Personally I think she's being disrespectful and hurtful and it's angering me that she won't tone it down or meet me halfway. The ironic thing is that I was never very jealous, but she would always get insanely jealous whenever I got attention from other women (who were always quickly repelled by the way). She also recently had no problem telling me about her and her colleagues cooing over a latino looking hunky fella who'd visited her shop, and that she'd been the one who got to serve him and flirt with him.

So we're in a bit of a stalemate. I'm confused. Am I being ridiculous? Do I have a point? Do I need to back off and let it go? Is the problem with me and how I feel about myself?

Be honest with me please, how would you feel if you were me and it was your husband/boyfriend doing these things?

[CheersMedea]

How old is your wife?

[DuelingFanjo]

I think that the fact that you have asked her and explained your distress, and she's carried on doing it, is a bit off but I do think you are being a bit ridiculous. I use that word because you have used it to define the behaviour, but at the same time do understand that you have been suffering from low self-esteem etc.

perhaps you could work on that? Work on losing the weight and being healthier. This may help you with other issues too.

At the same time...
Why are you searching her internet usage and history?

Personally I think you should stop doing that as it's not helping.

You can also adjust your settings on facebook so you don't see this stuff.

I would give this same advice to a woman poster.

[TheBob37]

She's 31, I'm 32 and we have 2 kids aged 8 and 6.

[WowserBowser]

Do you think she could be trying to make you jealous on purpose? Or just being insensitive?

Could she still be annoyed at you for drinking too much or similar?

My DH is the most confident person I know. He is secure in our relationship but still doesn't like to know if I fancy anyone else.

I am not the kind of person to go perving all over celebs anyway. But I wouldn't phwoar all over one I did fancy as I know it would upset him. He doesn't do it to me either.

[TheBob37]

Would you not have something to say to your hubby fanjo if you were in my situation? I know lots of women who don't hesitate to reprimand their husbands for what they look at on the internet, as well as just ogling women in general.

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

I don't think it's something that would make me jealous but I would be a bit about a grown up making constant references to celebrities on facebook. It sounds a little pathetic to me.

I can understand why you self esteem is low at the moment given everything you have been through. If my husband was feeling low about himself I would like to think I wouldn't rub his face in the fact that I find other people attractive sometimes (well quite often actually! Perfectly normal be attracted to other people, harmless bit of fantasy sometimes but generally best kept to oneself)

[TheHermitCrab]

I think she is being out of order.

If this was a man posting on facebook about hot babes he wanted to have a shower with...etc then clearly his partner would have a right to be upset and so do you.

"Is the problem with me and how I feel about myself?" you've admitted your self esteem has took a hit with the weight gain and problems you have been having, but that's no need to disregard it and treat it like your problem and for you to lighten up about her celebrity crushes/who she fancies.

To be honest it's a bit immature for a 30+ year old of any age to be posting daily celebrity pics and crushes on facebook :/

[TheHermitCrab]

of any sex* not any age

[TheBob37]

That's exactly how we used to be Wowser. How would you feel if that suddenly changed?

[WowserBowser]

I would wonder why TheBob

[kissmethere]

I think you need to,remember this is all fantasy. it hurts because you maybe feel her attention is focused elsewhere. It's knocking your confidence.
I have memories of my mums friends being infatuated with Elvis and Tom Jones and their husbands sitting there rolling their eyes because they couldn't understand it. One friends house is still a shrine to them!
Maybe try not to take it personally, it could be her outlet but she shouldn't rub it in your face if it truly makes you unhappy.

[TheBob37]

I said that to her TheHermitCrab. I think it's a bit teenage to be posting things like that. I've since taken myself off of Facebook because I don't want to see it, but friends have commented on it and have told me it still goes on.

She also said that she doesn't know what the problem is and that she's not likely to ever meet any of them. My point was that it's irrelevant as the intention is still there, especially flirting with men she does meet.

[QuintsBombWithAWiew]

It sounds like she is a bit out of order, early mid life crisis? Escape from reality? Frustration perhaps?

I suggest you work on yourself, and try to get back on track with healthy eating and exercise, it will do your confidence good.

As for celebrity crushes, I have them, and they do not in any way threaten our marriage. The latest crush has lasted for over a year now!

[probablyhadenough]

Just a thought OP - I am aware I am doing this (mentioning good looking celebrities etc) a bit more than usual at the moment. And my sex life has stalled too, partly due to husband's mid life crisis, depression and associated unpleasantness. (I'm not suggesting you are unpleasant to your wife btw!). I don't feel particularly proud of it (and he doesn't seem bothered or I would rethink).

What I think what I am trying to communicate to him and also myself is sense that I am still alive, sexual and youngish I suppose…Reminding myself that sex matters to me and this is not the end before a slide into a sexless old age! Possibly even convincing myself that I still have a sex drive. For me it is also complicated by the fact that my h massively flirts with female friends of mine while we are out and is a lot less fit and I suppose attractive than he was (but sends the message that he couldn't care less if I find him attractive or not). So there is, for us, more going on than me being a bit insensitive over celebrities etc.

It is mean, though, of your wife to ignore your feelings particularly if you have mentioned that it upsets you. You are not being ridiculous but you need to talk properly I guess (a bit rich from me in my non-communicative relationship!).

[TheBob37]

Thanks for all your comments. All I wanted was for it to be toned down. I think she's lucky she's got a husband who doesn't buy lads mags, ogle at page 3 or furiously fiddle with myself over the internet every night.

The thing is, even though I can appreciate when another woman is attractive, there's never been another woman (celeb or not) who's got my engines going like she does. She used to make me feel like I did the same for her, but this is all making me think it's all changed.

[kissmethere]

She flirts with men in real life?

[FelicityGubbins]

I fancy a few celebs, I wouldn't dream of rubbing my DH's face in it, I fact I doubt he even knows that I don't watch avengers assemble just to keep the kids entertained!...

[ByTheWishingWell]

I don't think you're being ridiculous at all. I do think it seems a bit strange and immature for an adult to be constantly posting pictures of their celebrity crushes, but it wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't hurting anyone. However, you've told your wife that you are finding it hurtful, and she has continued, which I think is the issue.

If my DP thought that him exercising his right to share his shower fantasies on the internet with all our acquaintances was more important than my feelings, we'd have a big problem.

[DuelingFanjo]

"Would you not have something to say to your hubby fanjo if you were in my situation? I know lots of women who don't hesitate to reprimand their husbands for what they look at on the internet, as well as just ogling women in general."

Just as you have done, I would say something to my 'hubby' if their behaviour was upsetting me because we are both adults who can talk about these things.

Like I have said, I think it's a bit off. Any spouse who disregards their other half's distress when they have explained how much it upsets them is being a bit unfeeling.

As a concept, though, the 'ogling' of celebrities is not really a threat to your relationships. The constant looking through her history on teh ipad may be though.

Interestingly these kinds of threads are often started on Mumsnet by people to try to show support a belief that women and men are given different advice; The OPs of those kinds of threads often leap onto the few responses that may seem to show this is true and ignore the good objective advice given by most responders.

As I said I would give the same advice to both a man and a woman.

[fieldfare]

Have you considered how the downturn in your sexual activities has resulted in her feeling?
Chances are she's feeling frustrated, rejected and her self-esteem is suffering too. This may well be a way for her to deal with that, albeit insensitively as you've explained your feelings about it.
Talk more with her. And her why she's doing it, and explain that you still love her and find her attractive as much as ever.

[TheBob37]

That's exactly the point, I feel like I'm having my face rubbed in it.

Of the 4 stone that went on a stone and a half has come off, so it's moving in the right direction. I just want her to make me feel like the weight doesn't matter.

[TheBob37]

Yes, kissmemthere, she works in a book shop and has told me that she flirts with customers. Although when i brought it up and told her it was inappropriate she said she was just lying and 'How many sexy men do you think come in the book shop anyway'.

[DuelingFanjo]

"I just want her to make me feel like the weight doesn't matter."

how could she make you feel like it doesn't matter?
By stopping having celebrity crushes or at least by stopping being public about it?

[WowserBowser]

But that's it Bob. I have had relationships where it has been ok to mention each other's crushes (not to such excess like)

But it looks like something has changed and she is trying to rub your nose in it. So you need to sit down and have a chat to find out what her beef is.

There must be a reason why she won't respect your feelings anymore.