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Is he selfish and insensitive or am I just jealous?

(16 Posts)
sammyjayneex Mon 10-Nov-14 12:57:37

I am married and have 4 children aged 8,7,3 and 2 and I am a SAHM. I don't have any friends and not a big family as support. I only really have my mum sister nana and granddad.

My husband works full time.

I am feeling a bit down today as me and my husband where in the car and he was telling me about his 'plan B' in regards to studying. He was studying part time and working for two years but got to the point where he Couldn't afford it (he didn't get full financial help just a little bit and had to find the rest himself) so he gave up this September and is not telling me he might go full time next year and work nights instead of days. Now I got pissed off at this because It would be mean that I would struggle to find a job around his full time uni course and his job
That means I would have to struggle alone finding and finding childcare whilst he sits back and has an easy ride
He doesn't have to consider his children because he knows I will look after them but what about me? And my career? He won't be able to help look after them because his timetable will be full on as he would do his uni course and then the night shifts by then he would have to sleep the next day as he would have been up all night for work.

I'm sick of coming last and being seen as the babysitter and having all the responsibility put on to me. It's not fair.

I can't afford to go part time back to college due to finances and I can't possibly go full time so all my options run out. And I have him literally rubbing it in my face about his 'plan B' when I don't even have a plan A. He also goes to the gym once a week for two hours but sometimes it's two days a week again whilst I baby sit. If I want to do something I have to check his timetable first!

Had enough of his selfishness!

APlaceInTheWinter Mon 10-Nov-14 13:07:45

Both actually - yy you are jealous but with very good cause because he is being a selfish arse. You are a family. He can't just make decisions that take him completely out of the family unit and then expect you to work round them.

I don't think he's getting an easy ride by studying full-time and working nights. By anyone's definition that will be very full-on. However, where he is being selfish is assuming that the family will adjust to accommodate his new timetable.

You need to sit down (without the DCs there) and have a full and frank chat about where you both want to be next year including how much you will both earn; who pays for childcare if you go back to work and he has committed all his time to studies and working. He is only presenting a Plan B at this stage. You can explain why it won't work and then you can work together on a new plan. If he doesn't want to do that, and if he is always putting himself first (eg with going to the gym) then maybe you have to accept that actually he doesn't see you as equal and he doesn't see the DCs as his responsibility. However you're 4 children down the line so I guess you'll already know the answer to that question.

sammyjayneex Mon 10-Nov-14 19:25:19

I try to talk to him but he says I am talking crap and I'm talking verbal diarrhoea (his words)

Squidstirfry Mon 10-Nov-14 19:31:46

If he dismisses everything you say as crap or diarrhoea, that's pretty offensive
Are all the DC his? He is coming across like he expects his lifestyle to carry on as though he has no family.
Does he support you all finanially or are you on state income?

sammyjayneex Mon 10-Nov-14 19:33:48

Yes all the 4 children are my husbands, he does work full time and provide money for us but he never listens to my feelings or take anything I say into account. He thinks he knows it all and he plays mind games with me

Liara Mon 10-Nov-14 19:39:41

He works full time and is trying to study at the same time and he is being selfish and having an easy ride hmm.

Selfish would be to say 'I'm off to studying full time we can live on benefits/you can support me'. What he is doing isn't selfish, it's trying to balance his need to provide for the family with his desire to study.

You could always propose that he study nights and do childcare during the day and you can work full time during the day and support the family. Would that work for you?

Joysmum Mon 10-Nov-14 19:44:44

I agree, he is selfish.

I would not expect a partner to make decisions without me that affects our family. I couldn't give a fuck if that was him taking on more work, that's his choice with no option for you to do what you need.

I had years of DH doing excessive hours because he wants to, not because he needs too. It took my choices away.

petalsandstars Mon 10-Nov-14 19:47:35

Mind games doesn't sound good

Squidstirfry Mon 10-Nov-14 19:54:09

Perhaps it's time for you to cone up with a plan 'A' of your own, such as a pt job to share the financial elenent of childcare and this may enable you to afford some ambitions of your own and regain some independence, but you need to work together as a team.
if he silences you at every corner, this is a v bad sign.

Quitelikely Mon 10-Nov-14 20:05:03

Well he is trying to work towards improving his career prospects etc which is a good thing IMO. However you have obviously agreed to having the dc and being a sahm, putting your career in the back burner? Whilst he got his started?

Did you also plan to study or restart your career after he finished his education?

Yes this situation sucks and sometimes being a sahm can feel that you are being left to deal with it all (and I should know) but that's why it is essential that you make life for yourself in your own right. Plan your own career, you can do evening classes, get your family to babysit maybe if your dh is studying.

And on that note, I very much doubt he is going to be studying at all hours. Even full time uni is virtually part time hours (obv you need to study) but rarely does it take huge amounts of time, except when assignments are due or exams.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Nov-14 20:15:13

he might go full time next year and work nights instead of days.

I don't see how that is an "easy" option but yes he could discuss it with you properly not just announce Plan A or B. Don't let him get away with thinking childcare of his DCs is purely your problem.

What about a uni nursery to which he could take the two youngest? Obviously there could be a waiting list and it would depend on fees.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Mon 10-Nov-14 20:15:48

What is he studying towards? Will it make a major financial difference later?

Studying full-time in the day then working nights is surely physically impossible. When will he sleep?

Also, full-time courses usually cost a lot more than part-time.

I can't afford to go part time back to college due to finances
He could afford to go back part-time. So why can't you?

Why don't you have any friends? DC are usually a great way to enable you to make friends. Is something stopping you?

sammyjayneex Mon 10-Nov-14 20:47:53

I suppose i was a bit harsh saying he will have an easy ride. I know it will be hard doing them two things but I wish I had the option to make a plan 'A' or 'B' but I can't because i have the four girls. I just feel like his needs are being met and mine are not. I love my kids but I sometimes feel like all I do is cook clean and bath kids school run and all that. I have no friends because I really don't get out much to make them . I take my youngest now to play group but don't seem to fit in. I find it hard to make friends.

sammyjayneex Mon 10-Nov-14 20:49:49

Also i can't study as I will have to pay fees but he can't pay mine he says and I am a SAHM so can't either and there is no funding for my age apparently (26) I have looked into it. He is 35 so sometimes feel he treats me like a child. He is going full time because he says he will get more financial help going full time than part time as he has got advice apparently

fairylightsintheloft Mon 10-Nov-14 20:51:12

i really doesn't sound like he has a great deal of respect for you at all, let alone considering what you might want to do. Yes studying and working nights is not easy but its the fact that he has made this "choice" as though it is a fait accomplis and you have no right to have a say, even though it will massively impact you. I think you need to talk to him but with some definite plan about what you want to do in the medium term also.

sammyjayneex Mon 10-Nov-14 20:58:46

Well we argued today...

He was telling me this plan and I put across my concerns and he said I was talking crap eat and because he was saying that I shouted at him ( I know that's wrong) but I really was insulted. He the ignored me all day at work as hadn't contacted me since. He's punishing me again. He does this a lot. It's our wedding anniversary and it spoilt and he won't talk to me
Part pf me thinks he's done this on purpose

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