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DP cheated. Can it ever just be a drunken mistake?

(160 Posts)
BricksAtMyWindow Mon 10-Nov-14 05:51:37

I found out last night. I'm devastated. We have a 6 month old and I can't believe he would do this. He swears it was a mistake, he was drunk and that he loves me and he'd never do it again.

We can't even talk face to face, he works away for 3 weeks at a time and isn't home for another week.

I don't know what to think. I feel so sick.

DrankSangriaInThePark Mon 10-Nov-14 06:03:19

Yes it can.

Course it can.

But not all men, when pissed, find their dick accidentally falls into somebody else.

That's something you need to decide how you feel about.

Adding the fact he works away for 3 weeks at a time, and I'd be wondering how often he made this type of drunken mistake I'm afraid.

How did you find out? And what do you think?

And flowers

JamaicanMeCrazy Mon 10-Nov-14 06:05:25

I don't know, I think if you want to get past it you can work on it together it's possible. It will probably take a long time though.

I forgave my exh the first time, he really was extremely drunk at the time, but sadly he did it again and again. I'm not saying this will be the case here, many mnetters have forgiven and moved on with their partners and had happy lives, but it takes work on both sides.

thanks for you xxx

BricksAtMyWindow Mon 10-Nov-14 06:12:02

A friend told me. There are a lot of people who work there who are from here and word gets around I suppose. I know it's easy to make a drunken mistake, I've done it myself (not in this relationship) and felt horribly guilty afterwards and wished I could take it back.

He admitted to it pretty much straight away when I asked him. He's not a very good liar. He tells me this has been the first and only time. It happened last weekend. Thinking back he has been a little off with me over the last week and now I know why - because he's been feeling guilty.

I love him so much but how can I ever trust him again after this.

Hissy Mon 10-Nov-14 07:49:15

you need to step back. let him make the running in rebuilding your trust.

if he's not 100% mortified and not determined to make this right with you then there is no chance of getting past this.

you haven't caused this, you can't fix it. you can however give him the space to try.

he has to see there are consequences, so i'd suggest you tell him you need space to think, and that you'll talk to him when he gets back, but otherwise no contact.

you need RL support, friends, family

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay Mon 10-Nov-14 07:55:56

A drunken mistake is crushing the wheeliebin against the wall a bit and then it sets in a funny shape until the sun gets on it and it warms up and turns back into a wheeliebin shape. Shagging someone else is NOT a mistake!

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay Mon 10-Nov-14 07:57:34

The wheeliebin above being squashed by the car you have drunkenly moved to get a trailer in. ~ That is a mistake.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Nov-14 08:00:55

If this happened on the workplace, and he goes away for 3 Weeks at a won't be the first and it won't be the last time

Is he willing to look for another job ? He clearly cannot be trusted, not now and not ever

Would you even want to stay with someone who has humiliated you on this way ? Or that uses to his advantage the distance from home to shag other women ?

This isn't what you signed up for

dreamingofblueskies Mon 10-Nov-14 08:09:22

A drunken mistake is falling up the stairs in a club and getting sick all over your coat, not falling into another woman. Nobody is ever so drunk that they forget they're in a relationship with someone who trusts them.
If you think you want to still be with him then it is possible to work things through, but be warned it is bloody hard work, my H had a FB 'thing' 3 months ago and we're trying to work through it but it's still as painful as the day I found out. I can imagine your situation would be much more painful than mine. So sorry this has happened to you. flowers

Meerka Mon 10-Nov-14 08:15:21

Yes, it can just be a drunken mistake. But it can still be a deal breaker.

Either he has a problem with drink or ... sorry ... but he's being doing this more than once given that he works away 3 weeks at a time.

Course, there has to be a first time for everything and it's juuust possible this is the first. But I wouldn't be betting on it, and even if it was it's still his responsibility. Unless someone slipped him something, I don't think you can blame the alcohol.

maleperspective70 Mon 10-Nov-14 08:20:45

I'm sure there would have been some attraction there.

However, and this is the question, did it mean anything to him?
If not, there may be something to salvage (although will be hard).

ChippingInAutumnLover Mon 10-Nov-14 08:29:43

However, and this is the question, did it mean anything to him?

No, that's not 'THE question'.

Chandon Mon 10-Nov-14 08:32:27

If you are really very drunk you can't get it up, so a man who was still sober enough to get a hard-on can not claim he was so drunk he did not know what he was doing.

Yes, you can have sex when drunk. But being so drunk you did not know what you were doing.....not pos.

Blowmeonelastkiss Mon 10-Nov-14 08:35:17

If it was with someone at work, what happens between him and her now?

AnyFucker Mon 10-Nov-14 08:37:48

The true question is how much does this mean to the op

Because if it didn't mean much to the cheater, what's to stop him doing it again

And why would someone who supposedly loved their partner so much risk it for something with no meaning ?

And what kind if bloke uses a woman like that anyway

So yep, wrong question, mp

TheHermitCrab Mon 10-Nov-14 08:43:02

I'm with dreamingofblueskies

A drunken mistake is puking on your shoes, losing your phone, falling over.

A mistake is NOT putting your dick in someone else. That takes thought, first communicating with the person, flirting, following each other, and initiating some kind of sex, then following through with it. Just not possible to be a mistake.

What he means is he didn't give a shit while he was drunk and didn't care about the consequences. He outright didn't respect you. Never forgivable in my opinion but everyone is different.

I mean what can you do. Stop him drinking or doing anything that clouds his judgement so he never makes another mistake?

AMillionNameChangesLater Mon 10-Nov-14 08:46:04

What would be really pissing me off was that he didn't tell you about his mistake, a friend did. Why didn't he tell you himself? Makes me think it isn't the first time

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay Mon 10-Nov-14 08:48:42

I agree with AF the chances of this being the first and only, is slim. More likely the first and only one you know about. Sorry to sound cynical but a bit more digging would reveal the truth I suspect and without the whole truth you can't start to sort this out in any meaningful way.

Theorientcalf Mon 10-Nov-14 09:08:44

There's no such thing as a drunken mistake. He's minimising his actions.

He chose to have sex with another woman. He didn't just fall on her. He did this knowing he was in a relationship and with a baby. He made a choice to fuck up this relationship.

It's his job to make things better, if that's what you decide. He needs consequences, else why would it not happen again? He needs to leave, give yourself space and time. It's his job to rebuild the trust not yours.

Joysmum Mon 10-Nov-14 09:22:37

I know it's easy to make a drunken mistake, I've done it myself (not in this relationship) and felt horribly guilty afterwards and wished I could take it back

So yes it is possible for it all to be a drunken mistake and not to happen again.

Question is, why did it happen? To my mind, drunken mistakes happen in a weak relationship. Why did it happen (being drunk doesn't make those in strong relationships cheat) and can what's wrong be changed?

If there's nothing that can be identified as wrong or be changed then there's nothing to work on and it can just as easily happen again.

Let's face it, people have been to tired and threatened and protect their loved ones to the death, it'd take more than a few drinks for them to betray.

Joysmum Mon 10-Nov-14 09:24:22

*tortured, not tired!

carlsonrichards Mon 10-Nov-14 09:28:44

So he didn't tell you. Instead he kept lying and only fesssed up when you find out from someone else and confronted him.

That speaks volumes.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Nov-14 09:32:16

If you only see him one week in four you will be wondering what he is up to for the other three weeks a month.

I too wonder, if that friend had not enlightened you, would he have confessed? That friend was quick off the mark - if DP tried telling you it was 'the first (and last) time'', it seems likely he'd use that so-drunk-I-didn't-know-what-I-was-doing with a workmate at least once. So it is very possible it wasn't the first time.

I would be expecting him to move heaven and earth to get back to you to open up and start repairing the damage.

dreamingbohemian Mon 10-Nov-14 09:34:39

Yes, it could be a drunken mistake. But it doesn't really matter, unless he's promising to stop drinking and stop working away. It just means that it could have happened before and might happen again.

I would hazard that a huge amount of cheating behaviour is alcohol-fuelled. It doesn't make it any less cheating or despicable.

Windywinston Mon 10-Nov-14 09:36:46

A drunken one night stand isn't a simple mistake, he must have wanted to do it or at some point he would have stopped it, otherwise it's sexual assault isn't it? Is he saying this woman assaulted him? I doubt it. Plus he didn't come clean to you, that says a lot.

Some relationships can recover from this, others can't. You need to decide whether it's a deal breaker for you. If you stay it should be on the basis of absolute honesty and the emphasis needs to be on him fixing this.

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