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DP staying at ex's to see his DS

(49 Posts)
Charley50 Sun 09-Nov-14 23:12:44

How would you feel about this?
He has always done it as DS is a five hour drive away. It's hardly ever now (for various reasons, partly his ex denying contact for months on end)
Anyway what would you think/ do?
We've been together 8 years. It's been rocky lately but we are working to fix it. But this has been an ongoing issue over the years. I was never the OW by the way.

Drumdrum60 Sun 09-Nov-14 23:17:44

Ridiculous. You shouldn't have to put up with it. What's wrong with a cheap B and B when ds in bed?

Llareggub Sun 09-Nov-14 23:17:49

My exH has stayed here and sees the DCs here once a fortnight. I generally stay out of the way and take the opportunity to go out. I certainly don't want to rekindle our marriage! I hope his girlfriend doesn't think so.

Smukogrig Sun 09-Nov-14 23:19:49

I think if they're amicable enough to share a roof for one night then that's money saved isn't it?

Do you think they still have feelings for each other? it's unlikely.

Charley50 Sun 09-Nov-14 23:36:00

It's not one night; it's 2,3 or 4. Once or twice a year. I know there is nothing between them but it makes me uncomfortable (understatement).

duckwalk Sun 09-Nov-14 23:43:02

I'd definitely not be comfortable with this arrangement. Nothing stopping him staying in a local hotel or b and b.
This must confuse the kids, surely?

Charley50 Sun 09-Nov-14 23:49:04

Yup I think it's weird. What pisses me off is he knows it upsets me but doesn't do anything to change the situation.

Smukogrig Sun 09-Nov-14 23:50:27

so it's half the week every week? yeh that's a bit much. he basically has two families. Nice for him

Madlizzy Sun 09-Nov-14 23:50:37

My ex would stay here for 2-3 nights at a time when ds1 was younger. Love the man, only just as a friend and dh gets on well with him too. Now ds had left home, we invite them both over along with ds's girlfriend for dinner when ex is in the area.

Charley50 Sun 09-Nov-14 23:53:48

He seems to think that I am trying to block him seeing his DS when actually I just want his DS to come and stay with us, like millions of other kids do (we don't have millions of kids staying with us, I mean stay with their parent and parents partner ).
Going to sleep now thanks for replies so far.

Charley50 Mon 10-Nov-14 00:00:19

Smuk; it's twice a year, not twice a week!
I am not in the picture while he is there. He'll send me the odd text but never call me in front of his ex, e.g to say hi Charley I've arrived safely, ex says hi'

Charley50 Mon 10-Nov-14 00:03:34

His ex has very firm boundaries and I really don't think they have ever slept together since we've been together. But obviously I worry that they might. People do.

Charley50 Mon 10-Nov-14 00:08:52

Madlizzy- when you invite your ex to dinner do you invite his partner?
My partners ex has never mentioned having a new partner to him. So I can't just relax and think 'great she's found someone new'
Shit this is keeping me up.

SandyJ2014 Mon 10-Nov-14 00:12:49

No way hosay. You must together work on instigating clear boundaries, which include him not staying at hers. What is happening at the moment is really unfair on you. What about airbnb... Can be a really cheap option.... Also, could you travel with him next time, citing wanting a break or something and then you both stay in a band b? You could get things moving in a different direction that way. A final thought, this would really spell trouble for me if my DP wouldn't heed my feelings on something like this. Good luck x

Charley50 Mon 10-Nov-14 00:17:50

Thanks Sandy, I have suggested that. He has said yes but then it doesn't happen. I think it's a mixture of him being scared of his ex stopping contact again, she has a few times, and partly conflict avoidance. I haven't had to deal with it for a while because contact with his DS was mainly on the phone for the past year, but it looks like it is about to be rekindled. I just want him to stay with us. He has loads of extended family here who he never sees.

SandyJ2014 Mon 10-Nov-14 00:31:25

He needs to approach his situation on a completely neutral footing which is this: he has a right to see DS and the courts will enforce this. He shouldn't give in to his exs threats and he must keep things entirely neutral and amicable which means not staying at her house. I really feel for you, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I reckon let it lie for a while and when things are good and stronger in your relationship approach the matter with him in a really calm and kind and unemotional way. If you want to stay in this relationship and make it work (up to you, I have no view on that!) then you'll have to wait it out and broach it at the right time... Not just before or after one of his visits, that makes it too rushed and too emotional; and very importantly when things are less rocky between you. Best of luck x

Charley50 Mon 10-Nov-14 00:37:34

Thanks again Sandy that is exactly the way forward I would like.

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange Mon 10-Nov-14 00:38:07

I would be fine with it. If he wanted to be with her he would be. Not everyone acts like Jeremy Kyle characters, a lot of people with kids have amicable break ups. That's normal to me.

SandyJ2014 Mon 10-Nov-14 00:41:37

A final post from me. Some people, and they've posted on here, would clearly be comfortable with this. Some people however wouldn't. This isn't unreasonable. You find it uncomfortable and therefore you both need to work with each other in resolving the issue. Good luck. Lie can be so complicated!!

Sativa Mon 10-Nov-14 00:51:40

My ex would 'fall asleep' with his children when he took them home to their mother. Occasionally he would stay for the weekend or on Christmas Eve etc.

I later found out that he had continued to sleep with her throughout our 7 year relationship. 7 years of gut wrenching jealously and suspicion, only to have my worst fears confirmed.

I'm not saying this is the case with your husband OP, but understandably I would be wary now. hmm

Jenny70 Mon 10-Nov-14 04:26:59

How old is the child? If a toddler/small primary school age, there is something to be said for them to be on home soil, with their toys, their comfort items etc.

But if the child is older, surely they can build a better relationship on their own, rather than in the ex's house. Presumably she is around, and child may well defer to her, wait for her perimission etc. And if a teenager, they may well hibernate in their room rather than spending time with Dad.

I think in the interest of having time being the parent to his child, he should have the child in a neutral territory - perhaps yours is too far away, but a B&B, different city etc.

And if you guys are in a committed relationship, why are you not part of this child's contact? Surely if you are important to your partner, he would want you to know his child and vice versa.... you've been together 7 years, I think the child might deserve to know you too.

I'd be rethinking the format for the contact with your partner... suggest child comes to his place once a year for a week, and partner takes child away for long weekend somewhere away from home.

Personally, the jealousy side is your problem to deal with, but the exclusion from his child's contact and his relationship with his child being under the ex's "supervision" would be the approach I would take if I wanted this to change. Silver lining might be he no longer stays with ex, but the reason for this shouldn't be your jealousy.

TooMuchCantBreathe Mon 10-Nov-14 04:33:08

My ex used to stay over when we were a few hours away. He came for Christmas for several years too.

I don't understand why you have an issue when you say you know there is nothing between them?

mynewpassion Mon 10-Nov-14 05:20:52

If its only twice a year for a couple of nights, is he visiting them during their birthdays or special occasions? Also, if you trust him and there isn't anything going on between your DP and his ex, then just suck it up. I am assuming that he stays with them because he can't afford a BnB or don't have any close friends to stay with. If he could, you wouldn't be posting.

I know its easy for me to say "suck it up", but, he's doing it for his children and not to reconcile with his ex. He lives 5 hours away, a 10 hour roundtrip. His children can't come to you over a weekend. That's not feasible. You have to see that. Its easier for him to go to them on these short, special occasion visits. They can come to you and your DP's house during the school holidays and summer.

It can't be all the way you want it that he only sees his children in your home. Sometimes, you have to be the bigger person and let him have his relationship with his children on these occasions.

Yes, its uncomfortable for everybody, you, him and the ex. But you all have to bigger people and do what's right for the children.

HelloItsMeFell Mon 10-Nov-14 05:36:47

It really comes down to whether you trust him or not. And whether you have observed anything in their current relationship/reactions to one another that sets your nerves a-jingling, and it sounds like you have.

When I was about 8 or 9 I remember waking up in the middle of the night to strange noises, only find my mum and dad shagging.

The thing is, they'd been divorced for about 3 years by then, and he was remarried with another child.

But as he was married to his OW, who had got PG after 5 minutes of knowing him and he'd left us for her, I wasn't overly fussed about it.

My dad had returned us after a day out, and come in for a drink, a chat, and a shag. Like you do. hmm

I told my stepmother by the way. She was thrilled, as you can imagine.

Rebecca2014 Mon 10-Nov-14 06:25:13

I want know why your husband has only seen his son twice in a year. Has this been a regular thing over the years?

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