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Please give me courage to leave my husband

(65 Posts)
firefly78 Sun 09-Nov-14 20:20:32

we are signing contracts tomorrow on his childhood home. we have bought it from his mum after husband died. our kids are 7 and 3 and hugely excited about moving. his family would never forgive me if i threw it all out the window. husband bought me a new car yesterday. he speaks to me like shit has no respect for me. goes mad if im not giving him 100% undivided attention even if the kids want my attention yet gives me his undivided attention. he loses his temper and calls me names yet accuses me of picking fights and being aggressive. its been a horrible weekend. i wouldn't miss him and i just want to be happy. but i have absolutely no money, no savings and now owe him two grand and have nowhere to live

firefly78 Sun 09-Nov-14 20:21:31

meant he never gives me his undivided attention

AnotherEmma Sun 09-Nov-14 20:26:24

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Do you have family and friends who could give you some moral support or even a place to stay while you sort things out?

If you're unhappy that's a good enough reason to leave. If he's emotionally abusive (and it sounds like he might be based on a few things you said?) then you have to leave, for the sake of you and your children.

You might get more responses and good advice if you move this thread to relationships - just report it and ask for it to be moved.

firefly78 Sun 09-Nov-14 20:28:08

i just didn't want it to hang around. im so upset and so scared of causing trouble and breaking my kids hearts and i know i will just go along with everything tomorrow.

AngryBeaver Sun 09-Nov-14 20:29:44

Could you suggest counselling? Xx

KERALA1 Sun 09-Nov-14 20:32:01

Hilarious! I am too cool for school for not throwing a tantrum if my mil takes dc to see father Christmas heard it all now

IAmOptimusPrime Sun 09-Nov-14 20:33:48

You poor thing, it is hideous to feel like this and I've been in this situation of wanting to leave but scared of how to do it. I did eventually but I was very lucky that I had a huge amount of support and the financial ability to go.

What would happen if you told him how you felt? That you were so extremely unhappy in your marriage?

I completely sympathis and can imagine you have a stomach tied up in knots.

KERALA1 Sun 09-Nov-14 20:38:29

So sorry wrong thread x

AnotherEmma Sun 09-Nov-14 20:39:57

Please don't sign tomorrow. You will regret it.
From personal experience I know that children will be happier with separated parents than with parents in an unhappy marriage, even if the separation is difficult for them, it's better in the long term. You don't want your children to grow up thinking it's ok for someone to treat their partner the way your husband treats you.
Do you have family or a friend nearby that you could go and visit or stay with for a little while (even for a few hours if actually staying there isn't possible)? It seems to me that you could do with some distance and space to think.

AnotherEmma Sun 09-Nov-14 20:48:57

Firefly please could you look at these two links and tell us if you think any of the examples apply to you?
www.mumsnet.com/relationships/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship
and
www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/recognising-abuse/
Thanks xx

firefly78 Sun 09-Nov-14 20:50:23

he wouldn't want to hear it. he has far too much going on. he works all the hours and is currently painting the new house but on his way back after row with his mum. its a hugely stressful emotional time but none of that is my fault.. sad

firefly78 Sun 09-Nov-14 20:54:36

yes i do live in fear of upsetting him i do skirt round issues and i do lie so as not to rock the boat but get caught out so he doesn't trust me. i cant do it though i just cant do it. where will i go? my parents are nearby but i do not want to stay with them. kids have had their new bedrooms painted today ffs. they are so excited. ive always said to myself i will leave when the kids are older and ive saved up some money.

RandomMess Sun 09-Nov-14 20:55:50

Why do you owe him £2k - you're married confused

Please don't sign it. You want to leave.

firefly78 Sun 09-Nov-14 20:58:55

for my car as all the savings are going on the house costs. we've always had separate money.

frankie80 Sun 09-Nov-14 21:02:47

I think we need to hear more about your relationship. I would suggest counselling etc as a first step.

firefly78 Sun 09-Nov-14 21:07:45

what would you like to know? i nearly left him 6 months ago but didn't and said counselling was one of the conditions of my staying. it never happened though and i know it never will. ive had counselling on my own.

AnotherEmma Sun 09-Nov-14 21:09:57

If the relationship was generally healthy and the OP wanted to fix it I would agree with people suggesting counselling. But it sounds to me like it's an emotional abusive relationship and the OP is unhappy, she wants to leave but is afraid to. (Please correct me if I'm wrong OP!) So I don't think counselling is the right suggestion. There is also the urgent issue of the house purchase.

OP if you can I suggest that you call this helpline: 0808 2000 247
It's a 24 hour helpline for women experiencing abuse, it's run by Refuge and Women's Aid. They will be able to listen and advise you. They are trained unlike us MNers!

Here is another link that might be helpful: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310003

thenightsky Sun 09-Nov-14 21:13:04

God. You poor thing. It sounds like he sweeps though life, dragging you along, expecting to to just be 'there', like the curtains, sofa, table.

sad

RandomMess Sun 09-Nov-14 21:15:06

In the eyes of the law money, equity, debt is shared equally because you're married.

Tell him you don't love him and you can't do it. The shit will hit the fan but you can stay living where you are with the dc.

firefly78 Sun 09-Nov-14 21:15:37

if we went through with house but i plan to save enough for a rental deposit and look for a small two bed house that could be a plan. he can probably afford the house on his own and kids could still be there. then i could just about afford to rent a small house. would i get yax credits?

AnotherEmma Sun 09-Nov-14 21:26:59

I think you would get various things but I'm not an expert, try these links:
www.netmums.com/parenting-support/divorce-and-separation
and
https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/categories/divorce-and-separation

AcrossthePond55 Sun 09-Nov-14 21:33:19

You ARE in an abusive relationship. It will be your decision to leave or wait until the children are older. But you ARE in an abusive relationship. (yes, I said it twice)

Why don't you want to go to your parents? Do they treat you badly or is it just that you think they won't understand? I'd weigh up how I'm feeling now against how I'd feel with my parents. My parents always felt that marriage is for life, but then their marriage was nearly perfect. They just couldn't understand the concept of emotional abuse. It kept me in an EA marriage longer than I should have been because I felt 'ashamed' of 'failing' in my marriage. But they were wonderfully supportive once I broke down and told them how I was being treated.

I know you're afraid, but you really shouldn't tie yourself to him any further and signing those papers would do that.

firefly78 Sun 09-Nov-14 21:38:09

hes home now. he got cross with me at his mums house today cos i split a drink of coke everywhere. im very clumsy and he said i need to be more careful no one has accidents everyday like i do and i cant be cross with him for getting cross with me when i did it. it was an emotionally sensitive day with his mum being there etc. he just mimicked me saying "everyone's getting at firefly even though shes a klutz, we are all getting at her, she will probably cry now". this was in front on the kids.

MagratsHair Sun 09-Nov-14 21:43:35

If you owe him £2k then he didn't buy you a car!

Yes you will usually qualify for tax credits and possibly more depending on circs plus if you sign the contracts tomorrow then usually upon divorce that would be an asset that would partly be yours too.

You could do with some proper advice op, make an appt with the CAB or half an hour free with a solicitor and they will advise on benefits and your financial settlement upon divorce.

As to tomorrow then if you have no choice other than to sign then its not the end of the world. If you are prepared to leave tomorrow then phone women's aid as a pp suggested. If you need more info before going then you can see CAB and walk out if the door whenever you like afterwards. signing the contracts has no bearing on whether you leave or stay.

Quitelikely Sun 09-Nov-14 21:48:39

Well your kids are getting a life lesson in how to become abusers. That's all you need to know. Someone gave your dh lessons and he is now a grade A abuser, likewise your children will follow in his footsteps.

I know you might think: no way, but yes way. They're learning all the time and soaking it all up.

The fact that you are posting here is a good sign IMO.

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