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Moving in with new partner kids unsure

(12 Posts)
Eustasiavye Sun 09-Nov-14 20:16:04


I am in the process of trying to sell my house.

The sale is inevitable as ex h been mean with money, wants a big slice of the equity, won't pay mortgage has stopped paying maintenance etc etc.

Initially i had borrowed money hoping to struggle on until eldest at uni and middle and youngest left school.

Now I am close in arrears that is no longer an option.

On top of all this ex lives around the corner with ow making happy families with her dcs and ignoring mine.

Now I really cannot wait to move. I hate living here.

It is a small community where everybody knows everyone else's business.
I have had no dignity throughout my divorce as everyone knows that ex was cheating on me apparently the only person not to know was me.

Luckily last year I met a great new man. We have been together over 12 months and get on fabulously.

Now I have began the process of looking for somewhere to live and we have discussed living together which obviously makes it economically viable.

If I didn't have the dcs I would not hesitate.
We both want to live in an area about 15 mins drive away from where I am now.

Problem is the kids don't want to go.

They want to stay in the suffocating in village in which we live now, except for dd1 who cannot wait to leave and will be at uni this time next year.

I have explained to the dcs that if it was feasible then I would have waited a couple of years. Dcs is in year 11 dd2 year 8.

As an aside when I was young my mum asked me( if that is the right word!) what I thought of moving to her partners house with his dcs and the getting married.

I kicked off big time and they lived apart and when I was an adult split up although my mum has only ever spoken fondly of him.
Looking back, and this was a long time before my situation, I know that I was wrong and I would have had a much better life if mum had married him.

Buying a house alone is out of the question and houses are hard to sell where I am at the minute and rent is high.

Leaving near my ex has caused me severe anxiety and I want to move where I can start a fresh.

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Eustasiavye Sun 09-Nov-14 20:25:22

Just to clarify my boyfriend is renting and the house isn't big enough for all of us.

He has offered to live here and obviously contribute towards all the bills but I am ready to move. Plus ex secured a loan against the property which I cannot pay.

BertieBotts Sun 09-Nov-14 20:37:24

I would move (rent) but I wouldn't move in together at this point if possible. Maybe see if you can find a 6 or 12 month contract and reassess moving in together then? I know it seems mad to pay two lots of rent but I think it would be worth it as the kids are probably feeling pretty torn by everything that's going on, it would be better to wait until the waters are calmer.

I suspect kids will not want to move either way, but if you do it this way then at least they can't get resentful and blame it on the relationship. 12 months is not that long, not when you have DC, especially if you didn't know him before dating - I'd say closer to 2 or 3 years is better. I wouldn't stay in the village just because they want to - it's not that far away, presumably they can still travel by bus/train to see their friends and wouldn't have to change schools. But I would not rush to move in with him either even if it does make financial sense.

Eustasiavye Sun 09-Nov-14 21:16:06

Thanks for your response Bertie.

Yes perhaps renting in the area I fancy would be an option.
Then we can see if we like it there.

I have told the dcs that their friends are more than welcome to come and stay over and I wouldn't be changing their schools straight away.

Ds doing goes in May so he would remain at the same school. Dd1 doing a levels in May too so the same for her.

Just don't like the thought of all that 'wasted' money going on rent!

Eustasiavye Sun 09-Nov-14 21:18:13

Dcs doing GCSEs not goes!

EssexMummy123 Sun 09-Nov-14 21:19:32

Not wasted in the sense that it's in a way your own independent roof over your heads, not reliant on your ex or on a new parter, i also think 12 months is a bit new.

BertieBotts Sun 09-Nov-14 21:57:33

Yep as EssexMummy says, look at it as investing money into your safety and security - yours, just in case of the very unlikely event he turns out to be a nutter (sometimes it doesn't show up until the second year) or big issues come between you some other way, but also your DCs - showing them that they are still the priority over the relationship, but that you make the decisions WRT housing arrangements.

After GCSE presumably DS will have the choice to stay at that school or move for 6th form anyway, it will be a natural break for a lot of the year as they go off to different places. Sounds like your DC are old enough that they're pretty independent anyway, it's not like primary aged children where they'd really be leaving their mates behind.

I know it's unlikely but if you moved in together and the relationship went tits up, that would probably end up costing you more and upsetting the DC even more. Better to take it slow I reckon.

Isetan Sun 09-Nov-14 23:21:43

Living independently is never a waste.

CrispsAreFruit Mon 10-Nov-14 08:42:01

Hi, i've been in a similar but slightly different position - i moved in with P and his DS but in retrospect realise it was too early in the relationship (after 1yr). A year on and i have left (again - left after 3mths but was persuaded to go back), now staying in parents box room looking for somewhere to rent. But my P had lots of red flags which i was aware of but thought i could handle, more fool me!

Blowmeonelastkiss Mon 10-Nov-14 08:48:21

I was in a year long relationship after divorcing and we discussed moving in together. It recently ended and I am so glad he didn't move in. A year is not long enough to really know someone. As your children are not keen either, leave it a little longer?

Stripyhoglets Mon 10-Nov-14 09:18:21

If it's only 15 minutes away I would move and rent but not change the DCs schools unless they want to change.

3littlefrogs Mon 10-Nov-14 10:12:08

I knew my DH for 4 years before we got married. We lived together for about a year. We then waited a couple of years before considering starting a family.

For me that was about the right time scale.
I always feel very uneasy when I read about people moving very quickly into shared living/financial arrangements. IMO it takes time to really know someone, and even then things can go wrong.

12 months is no time at all.

You must put your children first. move into rented accommodation, ensure you are financially independent, then see how the relationship with new man goes over the next couple of years.

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