Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What is this called, if anything?

(10 Posts)
okeydonkey Sun 09-Nov-14 20:08:04

When you are upset with your partner and tell them, probably less calmly than you should.
But instead of accepting it or listening and having a discussion or response about the problem they just focus on your less than calm attitude.
Me "I'm so cross that you did this, it's really upset me, we've discussed this before and you promised you wouldn't"
Him "look at you, you are all in a state, you don't know how to have a conversation, you just get wound up,sort yourself out"
Does this have a name? Is it controlling? Or normal?
Me " well I'm sorry but this has made me so cross and hurt"
him "you need to control yourself"
Me getting angrier "please listen to the problem rather than my mood, or course I'm angry, listen to me"

Longdistance Sun 09-Nov-14 20:09:25

Deflecting?

okeydonkey Sun 09-Nov-14 20:10:04

The bit where I say "is this controlling" was meant to go at the end.

okeydonkey Sun 09-Nov-14 20:10:45

Ah deflecting? But is it part of usual arguemts? Or would it be abusive ?

FelicityGubbins Sun 09-Nov-14 20:11:09

It's called.. dicing with fucking death.. in my house, I don't know what its actually called but my ex used to do it and I hated it.

okeydonkey Sun 09-Nov-14 20:13:41

I have a short fuse which he plays with as this is what he does until the absolute end where I manage to explode, then I feel awful and out of control. I feel guilty when I've calmed then its all about me apologising for my Anger

GoatsDoRoam Sun 09-Nov-14 20:13:50

Deflection.

He can't handle criticism/blame, so must deflect it by piling criticism/blame on you and making that the focus of discussion instead.

okeydonkey Sun 09-Nov-14 20:16:10

That's awful then, as I have such low self esteem. I grew up with critical mother.

GoatsDoRoam Sun 09-Nov-14 20:19:49

When he does it, don't get blown off course trying to fend off his accusations. Just keep stating "I want to talk about [x action you just did]. It makes me feel [emotion]. I need you to do [other thing] instead"

okeydonkey Sun 09-Nov-14 20:21:29

Thanks goats. I will try to

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now