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holiday - me & daughter without hubby

(22 Posts)
2stixoftwix Sun 09-Nov-14 18:58:02

Hubby and I have been married for 21 years, he is 68, I'm 44, We've got a 10 year old daughter.

Our relationship isn't great anymore, we don't talk much, in fact we rarely touch, sex last happened 5 years ago

My hubby isn't in the greatest of health he can't walk far.
We run our own business so we are pretty much together 24/7.
He has never been very adventurous, if we ever go on holiday then I book it, plan it etc, I feel like he just tags along.
At the moment I find life totally monotonous and boring, he doesn't ever suggest days out, he doesn't do anything with our daughter unless I suggest it.

Just recently I have really wanted to get out and do something exciting and am looking at a weeks adventure holiday for me and my daughter. Hubby would not be able to do any of the activities and I don't really want him there.
We have never done anything apart before

Do you think I'm selfish wanting a holiday without him ? I feel that I'm going to hurt him if I suggest it, but I just don't want another holiday on the beach.
I don't even know how to broach the subject, I have left so many brochures lying around

Help !

summerlovingliz Sun 09-Nov-14 19:05:48

You could say that you would really like some mother:daughter bonding time and your considering a girly break.. He might be glad of some time out too. smile

peasandlove Sun 09-Nov-14 19:07:18

Totally understand why you want to do that. It's quite a large age gap and likely to become more obvious too. Are you able to explain to him? I think rather than just hinting you might have to bite the bullet.

NotAnotherNewNappy Sun 09-Nov-14 20:12:48

I'd think about it from your daughter's POV. Do you think she'd rather have some memories of fun holidays with one parent or no memories if any holidays with either? Does that help assuage your guilt?

My dad was a bit like your OH - mum and I would go away every half term and summer. I love my dad but I adore my mum and sometimes ditch my DH to take my mum away with my DCbecause it's do much fun and reminds me of those great holidays when I was a kid.

ImperialBlether Sun 09-Nov-14 20:26:13

It would be completely unreasonable of him to cause a fuss if you did this.

Why not ask him about holidays he had when he was your age and say you fancy doing them too?

You could have an amazing holiday with your daughter. You have to give her a good time as well as have one yourself. Where do you fancy going?

icanhaveadarksideifyouwantmeto Sun 09-Nov-14 20:32:34

me and my dd often do things we like without DH there is a 10 year age gap between DP and I

I always feel bad when i think oooh DD and i would like to do x and dont include DH in it.

but then we tell him about it and he never minds. he just knows taht there are things us girls like to do together that dont interest him

talk to your dh you might be pleasantly surprised

PurpleSwift Sun 09-Nov-14 20:46:24

When I was 12 my mum took me to Blackpool without my dad. It was amazing "us" time and I have lovely memories of it. She also took me a broad x2 at 13 & 15. Very happy smile
My dad didn't mind at all. We couldn't afford for us all to go and needed someone to look after the pets etc. I had plenty of days out just me and my dad too.

Mandatorymongoose Sun 09-Nov-14 20:55:14

Me and DH have no real age gap and we both like doing the same things.

I still go away just me and DD (15yrs) sometimes for a bit of quality time with her.

No reason you shouldn't.

NettleTea Sun 09-Nov-14 22:14:35

My DP doesnt like travelling and over the last 8 years I have been on holiday with the kids 5 times without him and 4 times with him.

PiperRose Mon 10-Nov-14 13:47:34

If he doesn't mind then go ahead. If he does then yes, I think you're being a little unreasonable.

ImperialBlether Mon 10-Nov-14 16:21:47

Piper, do you really think it's unreasonable for the OP to take her daughter on a holiday that her husband wouldn't enjoy? Really?

So it's OK for the OP and her daughter to take holidays they don't as long as he is happy?

When will it be their turn?

slug Mon 10-Nov-14 16:44:41

DD and I have been going away together without DH for 4 day weekends since she was 11. We also go on holiday as a family, but these short trips are an excuse for the 2 of us to do things DH does not enjoy and we do (swimming mostly).

Over the last year or two we have been to:

Bath (for the Roman ruins and Stonehenge)
Cardiff (for the Dr Who Experience)
Lyme Regis (for fossil hunting)

When we are gone DH has a happy time either working, spending time down the pub or, in one case, being ill where we didn't have to put up with his snoring and coughing. It's a win-win situation, especially as your DD is getting to the pre-adolescent age where some dedicated mother/daughter time will give you the opportunity to ave those delicate conversations around body changes and the like.

PiperRose Mon 10-Nov-14 17:32:56

I do actually ImperialBlether. It would appear he's getting left behind for the simple fact that he is older, the OP should have considered this at the start of the relationship and when she had her DD. However, as I said if he is happy with it then fine.

Rebecca2014 Mon 10-Nov-14 17:37:44

He is 24 years older than you and at retirement age.

Why are you still together when you haven't had sex for five years?

ImperialBlether Mon 10-Nov-14 19:04:54

So Piper, she should have thought about this 21 years ago? Why should HE not have thought of this? Why shouldn't he have thought that at point he would slow down and she would still be young? Why should he have the right to stop her enjoying her youth? It's incredibly selfish of him, not her.

She is a few years younger now than he was when they met, ffs!

2stixoftwix Mon 10-Nov-14 19:31:33

Hi PiperRose
No he's not really getting left behind because he's older, but because he cannot do anything particularly active.
We could go on a beach holiday and do nothing - which is what we usually do. I'm bored with that
When we first got together he was fun and wanted to travel, now he doesn't want to do anything.
We don't go anywhere unless I suggest and arrange it, when we go out as a family there is always an argument

Rebecca we are in a rut, have been for years, he seems angry at life and doesn't seem to care any more.
He hates the business, even though it's given him a comfortable lifestyle and gave him the opportunity to give up his office job - I run it practically single handed, he does what he needs to do, nothing more.

He is making himself old, after all the rolling stones are the same age and are still rocking !!
He doesn't think to oversee dd homework, listen to her play her musical instruments or really take any interest in her.

Funny enough my dd said tonight - as we haven't gone on holiday this year, can I choose a place to go, then you choose a place mummy.
not mummy and daddy choose a place.

I'm making him sound like an ogre and he's not. He's a lovely man, helps round the house, loves his dd, doesn't drink or watch football

but he's childish and dull. He can be spiteful and very grumpy we lost respect for each other along time ago, we don't talk.

I hate him & I love him and am feeling really selfish for even considering going on holiday without him

but I either carry on with what we 'normally' so he's happy and I'm not, dd doesn't know much else

or I can have a happy time with dd, but he may be miserable

The ironic part is that when we got together he was the same age as I am now. I was his 'midlife crises' I'm obviously going through mine but I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel sad

2stixoftwix Mon 10-Nov-14 19:34:51


Thanks you are making me feel better.

If I didn't have a conscience, I wouldn't be here wanting advice

I am thinking of a weeks adventure holiday, canoeing, high ropes, white water rafting - would be great fun for my dd (an often lonely only child)

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Mon 10-Nov-14 20:05:31

Hi OP. I'd go without a moments hesitation. He physically can't manage the stuff you and DD want to do, and if he's a rational man surely he wouldn't want to deny her an active childhood.

3 years ago DD & DW went on holiday without me, partly because I couldn't tolerate the climate, but more because they couldn't tolerate me. My depression was at its worst, my workload was insane and DD and I were at each other's throats. I had the decency to wind my neck in enough for them to go, and they came back refreshed and cheerful. Meanwhile I was getting the stuff done that the arguments kept interrupting.

You never know, you might come back and find him changed. Or you might change.

But if he kicks up, start gathering the paperwork.

ImperialBlether Mon 10-Nov-14 20:45:46

Have you thought of a PGL adventure holiday for your daughter? A lot of children absolutely love them.

I think he would be very mean to begrudge you and your daughter a holiday, particularly as it's the kind of holiday he couldn't enjoy.

You say he's childish and spiteful - that is a really off-putting combination. Have you told him how you feel about him when he's like that?

2stixoftwix Mon 10-Nov-14 20:50:40

yes I've told him, his answer is usually a nasty put down back

ImperialBlether Mon 10-Nov-14 21:03:28

Oh in that case I'd say, "Just listen to yourself" and then leave the room (and go and book a holiday pronto.)

You don't sound happy to me. Do you think you need permission to leave him? When you say he met you during a midlife crisis, was he married and having an affair with you? It sounds as though you feel you have to be with him.

ImperialBlether Mon 10-Nov-14 21:04:36

Actually it sounds as though he thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and you will put up with it. Is there any truth in that?

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