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I'm so sick of my EA ex

(10 Posts)
holdyourown Sun 09-Nov-14 18:13:45

He left me 6 years ago for OW. Been divorced 5 years. I've picked myself up and am having a nice life now with dcs. However despite the fact I'm very civil etc and just want to enjoy life now and make the best of it, he actually seems very bitter and resentful confused and sends me nasty texts, does what he can to put me down and try to make my life a misery. There is no need for this and it really gets me down sometimes, not least because it is not great for dcs.

davejudgement Sun 09-Nov-14 18:27:41

Stop being civil and tell him to go lie in the bed he made. Then if he continues sending the texts, send him one back stating it's not necessary and would he please refrain from harassing you.

If he doesn't stop, report him for harassment

something2say Sun 09-Nov-14 18:30:42

There is a way you can make this go away.

Do not ever get back to him.
If you have to arrange for the kids, do it in a proveable manner ie text or email, which you keep as evidence.
If he texts you abusive shite, text back that you will report him to the police if he doesn't stop.
But mostly do not ever ever ever respond. He will soon stop. It's easy to make them go away actually. It all depends on what you do and not at all on what they do x

starlight1234 Sun 09-Nov-14 18:35:42

Don't tell him anything about your life. Do not answer about your life. Tell him you will communicate by text .. You have evidence.

I wanted to be civil to my Ex and still wanted to make it better. He didn't. So I stopped trying was much happier and felt much stronger.

Ihatechoosingausername Sun 09-Nov-14 18:44:25

If you're sick of an ex who was EA then why oh why are you still talking to him? If it's only to do with the DCs then that can be sorted out in other ways, you don't have to deal with him!

holdyourown Sun 09-Nov-14 18:47:37

thanks - I don't communicate except by text or email, preferably email. I don't tell him about my life but I'm pretty sure he grills dcs for information.

I do try to avoid responding at all to the goading etc but just sometimes it is very very hard, always having to be the one sucking it up when I just want to tell him to shove it. The dcs come first and I don't have a choice not to deal with him at this point in my life, it's just so annoying!

holdyourown Sun 09-Nov-14 18:49:41

ihatechoosingausername I have to see him on handovers and sometimes exchange info about dcs. He takes any opportunity to try to create a row and that sort of thing. I generally avoid responding but inside am angry

Ihatechoosingausername Sun 09-Nov-14 19:09:39

Can you not ask for handovers to be dealt with by a contact centre if he's causing you trouble?

I'm genuinely intrigued because I have a baby due in 4 days and the father is/was EA and I don't want anything to do with him but I'll know he'll want to see his child at some point.

Castlemilk Sun 09-Nov-14 19:17:27

If you can't avoid entirely, a stock reply would be best:

'You really shouldn't make it quite so obvious that you're not happy with the way your life has turned out.'

'You sound so bitter. I'm not sure that having a go at me is going to make it feel any better, though.'

'Still bitter at life? I'm not sure I can say anything that will help you feel better, sorry.'

You don't need a lead-in to make these replies. The sad truth is that he attacks you because he hopes it will make him feel better, because whatever it was he wanted hasn't materialised, and he hates that you're clearly happier than him. So when he says something goady, don't reply to the words coming out of his mouth - reply to the sentiment behind them. It will hit home, even if he just insults you back...

eg:

Him: 'Who gives a shit what you say - you're utterly stupid, always were...'

You: 'You sound so bitter. I'm not sure that having a go at me is going to make it feel any better, though.'

Him: 'You fucking loser - I heard from DS that you were out again on Saturday, ever going to give up on trying to get another man? Nobody wants you...'

You: 'Still bitter at life? I'm not sure I can say anything that will help you feel better, sorry.'

Every time, reply along these lines. They will hit where it hurts, because it's the truth.

Sad man - looks like he lost the gamble.

holdyourown Sun 09-Nov-14 19:53:59

Ihatechoosing best of luck with the birth! maybe contact centres would work in your case, perhaps depends on frequency of contact and so on, I don't know really. Not something I'm considering here

castlemilk thank you - it's useful advice and I'm going to try one of those type of replies. It is sad, and I'd rather he was just happy now and getting on with life but it just feels like he wants a drama and wants to be destructive.

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