So, I fully expect to get some tough responses to this, but here we go.... For the last ten years I had been having a full blown affair with someone quite a bit older than me. It started when I was in my early 20s and he his late 30s. He was my boss at the start - such a cliche. It was exciting, volatile, passionate - again all the usual cliches. He was married but separated, and subsequently divorced. I have been with my BF the whole time. Throughout the ten years, the affair was on and off, though more on than off, but extremely volatile with lots of fighting. I got pregnant eight years ago by him, and ended up having a termination, which I have never forgiven myself for. I also struggled to ever really talk to him about it and it was a major, major problem between us and the cause of many fights. He had a young daughter and professed undying love to me, but said he would only be with me when she was a lot older. At the time, I think I would have left my BF for him, but things changed over the last few years and as he was now 'ready' to be with me properly, but I wasn't prepared to leave my BF. I know this is classic grass is greener, cake and eat it - and had anyone told me they were in this situation I would have given them v short shrift indeed. Anyway, about nine months ago, he told me he couldn't go on like this. He wanted to get married and described it in so much detail. But I still wasn't prepared to leave my BF so that was that. We continued to work together, and I felt that at least I had him in my life like that. Then, eight weeks ago he died. It turns out he had cancer and had been diagnosed five months ago. He had felt unwell for some time, but despite lots of nagging refused to see a doctor until it was too late. He told no-one and died alone, and apparently in a great deal of pain. He went through rounds of treatment on his own. It is just so unbelievable that he has gone and I am just numb with shock. His family have been amazing as they knew us as a couple and have been just lovely to me. But worse to come - and here's the karma bit - at the funeral a woman turned up who I had always suspected him of seeing at the same time as me. He had always denied it - in furious terms and was incensed anytime I raised it. But I knew deep down. And if I am honest, the lies he told about this relationship was one of the main reasons I didn't trust him and couldn't commit properly to him. It transpires that he was indeed seeing her for about six months early on in 'our' relationship. Seeing her made me feel sick to my stomach. I am so full of all sorts of feelings and so confused. I really do know that I deserve this - I have behaved extremely badly - particularly to my BF who is one of the most lovely and true people I have ever met, and i have just treated him appallingly. But my feelings are of overwhelming loss, of 'perhaps I should have committed years ago', of 'you bastard, you cheated on me' even though that is exactly what I was doing. I am angry and ashamed and shocked at myself, and not sure how to move forward. Some days I don't want to move forward at all and don't deserve to. I also know I made this bed and I now have to lie in it. I am so full of anger, guilt, remorse, loss and everything is just so grim.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.