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How to stop enabling?!

(12 Posts)
ChocolateTeacup Sun 09-Nov-14 10:30:54


Ok this may be long so I will apologise in advance, my OH lives with me and has done since June, but I feel he takes the mick now and it bothers me more and more.

I have 2 DS's from a previous relationship they go to their dad's every other weekend. OH has family in London that he visits every other weekend when boys are with me to give me some time with them. They are also here every Monday & Tuesday. My ex was emotionally abusive and it took a long time before OH got to know them we have been together about 2 years now.

So, at home we have a dog that we got together since moving in and a cat (mine) boys half the time, me who works full time (Leave at 7 back home by 6) and OH.

My problem is this, he feels like a lodger, the only thing he seems to add other than his presence is good sex. He isn't working and is supposed to be setting up his own business but I see little evidence other than a website that he made of this. One day he said he spent the day doing logo's I saw three that were totally unsuitable to the style of business (pretty enough effect though) so I designed 3 more in the space of half an hour one of which he is now using. The more honest and realistic is that actually he spends most of the day playing on the computer not actually doing much. When he was looking for work i took his CV and made it workable, I did the same with his brother's and he has since got jobs. I feel like I have an extra child that I have to spoonfeed.

He has spoken about expanding our family, which I was initially keen on but I am now reluctant, how can I expect him to look after a child when I am at work when even the dog is barely looked after by him (6 month old puppy) I come home to destruction that he hasn't cleaned up and it wee'd and poo's on the carpet that is barely cleaned up.

I spend a long time during the week at work come back and spend my spare time cleaning, as a result of this I have been off for a week with a migraine. I spent 3 days in bed 2 days recovering and he went to London on my first recovery day (Friday) so today I have cleaned the entire house as nothing got done while I was ill. I last did this two weeks ago and put all his rubbish in a bag and left it for him but it still hasn't been sorted out, he is happy to live in a lot more mess than I am prepared to put up with.

I am providing almost entirely financially except for the £50 per week he contributes. But it is not about finances but equal contribution, when I raise it he says he is sorry for disappointing me etc which just annoys me, I want a partner not a mopy child. I want to see him actually make a concerted effort on his business rather than me telling him what he should do.

I don't know how to go about discussing it so he will listen and actually take it in, writing it all down and thinking about it I feel I am actually enabling this behaviour, how do I stop?

TL:DR I think my OH is turning into a child and I am enabling him how do I stop

Fairenuff Sun 09-Nov-14 10:35:44

I think it's time for him to fly the nest. Ask him to move out and you can continue dating if that's what you both want.

rubyflipper Sun 09-Nov-14 10:35:56

I'll get to the point.

Kick him out.

He's not the father of your children. There's no reason to have a relationship with this man.

He has shown you what he is and he'll never change.

Meerka Sun 09-Nov-14 10:41:36

'fly the nest' is the right term for it. He sounds a teenage boy not a man.

How old is he??

I'd give him one chance to shape up - say, 6 weeks - and then if he's not, show him the door. Don't warn him that it's shape-up-or-ship-out though, otherwise he'll only do juuuust enough to scrape by and then he'll go back to being lazy.

After all, he's got someone running round after him, he's got sex, he's got someone to pay for him, and all he has to do is pay 50quid a week. Why would he want to loose all that?

NoMarymary Sun 09-Nov-14 10:50:57

Please don't tell me you do all the housework and washing too!

You are being taken for a mug here. Don't make the mistake of having a child with this man. You will never get rid of him.

LiviaEmpressoftheUniverse Sun 09-Nov-14 11:34:45

Do we call 'cocklodger' here?
Kick him out.

Rollercola Sun 09-Nov-14 11:42:31

Where did he live before he moved in with you and how did he pay his way then? Did his previous home give you any indications of how he would be if he moved in, ie was it dirty, messy etc? Did you set out any kind of rules about housework and finances when he moved in?

Mintyy Sun 09-Nov-14 11:45:23

Yes, say goodbye to him. Or at the very least ramp up your contraception to Fort Knox levels.

But what are you going to do about the poor dog?

I feel very sorry for you op, just can't believe you added a puppy into this mix as well!

WallBox Sun 09-Nov-14 11:48:15

The term 'cocklodger' was invented for him. You've been had.

Rollercola Sun 09-Nov-14 12:04:07

Sounds like you need to have a 'this isn't working out' conversation.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 09-Nov-14 12:08:13

You feel like he is a lodger precisely because he is one.

This current man is a cocklodger and is with you primarily for sex. He also thinks that you as a single mother are so desperate for male company that you'd put up with anything.

You've been more than kind and he does not need six weeks in order to sort himself out. He needs to go as of yesterday.

With regards to yourself going forward raise your own relationship bar a lot bloody higher because at present its far too low and are attractive to such low lifes.

ChocolateTeacup Sun 09-Nov-14 12:22:13

Thank you all very much you are right and I needed to be told to see it. :/ The dog will be very much looked after and loved, just an added expense of doggy day care when I am at work.

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