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Not sure how to handle a friendship.

(13 Posts)
FastaPastas Sun 09-Nov-14 10:29:28

I'm struggling with it. I don't want to give details here but enough to say it's a very long friendship, we've been very close, but over the years I've felt she is very self-centred. Things have happened lately that have compounded this and I'm not sure I want to be as close any more. I've taken a step back while ago by reducing the contact we had- she asked why - since then we've patched things up a bit. I don't know where to go next with this because I feel very differently about her.

SavoyCabbage Sun 09-Nov-14 10:37:08

I've done this a couple of times over the years. One when I was being taken advantage of (childcare etc.) and one where I was being bossed around and dominated.

I just withdrew and eventually they fizzled out because they weren't getting what they wanted from me.

FastaPastas Sun 09-Nov-14 10:41:18

The thing is when I've tried to do that she comes back asking what the problem is and why I'm not in touch so much....

TipseyTorvey Sun 09-Nov-14 10:44:06

Can you give some examples? Is it just that being around her drains you or does she tend to assume you'll do things for her and she doesn't do them in return type thing?

FastaPastas Sun 09-Nov-14 10:54:14

I'm wary of giving too many examples in case anyone know us.
I've found she is draining because she makes a drama out of so much stuff that is all about 'her' when in fact she could have a fabulous life if she just stopped being so focused on what she doesn't have and thinks about what she does have. She's become a moaner.

Charley50 Sun 09-Nov-14 11:03:08

She asked you so tell her, diplomatically of course. People that moan a lot are often feeling quite low I think. You can outwardly have everything and still be sad, think L'Wren Scott and Alexander McQueen. Not saying your friend is suicidal but maybe she is unhappy.
It's easy to see less of friends without 'breaking up' with them.

SavoyCabbage Sun 09-Nov-14 11:07:52

Perhaps you could busy yourself elsewhere so you don't feel like you have to lie. Join the gym or what have you.

TipseyTorvey Sun 09-Nov-14 11:09:13

Hmmm, hard to comment without knowing how bad the behaviour is but if agree with Charley that telling her that you're finding her a bit self centred and a downer (in a nice way) to see if she just needs pulling up short might be the way to go. You don't want to lose a good friend ship if it can be saved. However if she's gone beyond the pale then that's different.

Annarose2014 Sun 09-Nov-14 11:10:37

How exhausting. You withdraw because she makes a drama about everything and then she makes a drama because you're not in touch!

Its all about the DRAMA. Don't feed it. I would try cutting down on contact. Not totally, cos she'll be all OMGWHYYYYY?? But just little bits.

Like for example when she texts you, purposely wait several hours to respond, if not a day. Then respond with "Sorry, up to eyes!...can't do Tuesday, mental week ahead, what about next Tues instead? Xxx" In other words, pushing out the contact further and further but making it seem like you're still on board with the friendship by suggesting dates.

Charley50 Sun 09-Nov-14 11:15:10

Has she let you down in some way? I think some friends are more 'fun' some more 'caring, 'some more 'intellectual' or whatever... People can't be everything. Ive got a close friend who isn't gonna turn up on my doorstep if I'm heartbroken (she has 2 kids is busy) but when I see her I feel good cuz she is lovely warm and funny etc.

blanketyblank100 Sun 09-Nov-14 12:51:40

I think you should tell her the truth in a very tactful way. She deserves to know, given your years of friendship, her attempts to fix this and the fact that she has no way of working out what the matter is. It will hurt her and come across as a rejection but so will everything you do and at least you give her a chance to change.

gamerchick Sun 09-Nov-14 12:55:39

Can you maybe tell her the truth when she asks? As in ' no I haven't been in touch very much because all you do is moan about stuff and I don't want to listen anymore' with a bit of luck the drama will mean she cuts you off.

Quitelikely Sun 09-Nov-14 13:20:48

I'm a big moaner! It could be me grin awaits text message

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