Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I want him to want me.

(87 Posts)
WantYouToWantMe Sun 09-Nov-14 09:28:21

Dh and I have been together 3 years. I'm 32 weeks pregnant with our second baby.

He works full time and has also been picking up the slack around the house as my SPD is crippling. I can manage to look after ds (1 year old) during the day by having everything in the lounge ready for the day. But lifting, carrying, even reaching the floor to pick things up, is getting beyond me. Luckily ds is very laid back and easy. So we get through the days.

I'm struggling a bit with my identity. I've never been girly but I've always been elegant. And now I'm not. Not being able to walk means I've put on weight (not enormous amounts, well within normal, but I don't feel like me). I like to stride about and now I can barely shuffle. I'm frustrated. I'm in pain all the time. My back's gone too.

But it's not forever.

Dh is wonderful and lovely and tells me I'm beautiful. But his words don't match his actions and I'm missing the intimacy. Sex is difficult but not impossible. PIV isn't the only option anyway.

Last night we had a couple round for dinner for our first social engagement in 3 months. I got all dressed up (making a change from wearing what I can manage to get into) and felt attractive for the first time in a long time.

Dh complimented me, but when we were alone and I initiated things, well... He undressed me like a carer would, made me comfortable, and nothing more.

My issue isn't really with him. He's clearly struggling with the situation. He's working hard. It's my own vanity that is the problem. I want him to want me. He loved me being pregnant with ds, found it sexy, so I know it's not being pregnant. It's being this... Useless.

This isn't forever. We've talked and he says he wants me as much as ever. But words and actions don't match. He doesn't have to find me attractive.

But I want to stomp my feet (if I could) and shout, "but I thought I looked good last night!"

How do I not feel so upset that he doesn't want me right now for whatever reason? How do I stop being so bloody self- obsessed?

He loves me. I love him. Why do I need him to want me?

Annarose2014 Sun 09-Nov-14 09:43:35

He seems kind. He undressed you carefully, like a Carer would. You are clearly having a hard time physically. He must be pretty concerned. SPD can be brutal.

Is it any wonder that he might be afraid of causing you pain? "Sex is difficult" but you expect him to just perform anyway?

You could simply say it to him. "I know you're worried about hurting me but I need a shag"

1981fkr Sun 09-Nov-14 09:46:15

Oh my word I so do not miss the SPD I sufferd with this with all 4 of my pregnancies,I hope it eases soon but remember will it go as soon as baby is here.

Your subject title " I want him to want me" is so bittersweet and I was on the same page as you, After trying many things to get the point across the only one which worked for me was for me to verbally spell it out.

I think my exact words were " help me banish my mum brain and get into sexy slutty wife brain.

I think men forget that us women need to feel sexy every so often, I love being a stay at home mum but it is also nice to just be a wife or a women for an hour or so, no baby talk, no sloppy clothes etc.

Every once in a month we have a date night which is all about us- give it a try you don't always need to go out, you can arrange a sleepover for little one, order in takeaway or make something special, candles, nice dress and so on.

All the best.

WantYouToWantMe Sun 09-Nov-14 09:49:17

We've had the conversation about what I can do and what I can't. He is very caring, and I've reassured him that he won't hurt me.

I just don't want to be his patient. I want to be his wife. I'm guessing he's finding it hard switching roles. Which is completely understandable. I just wish it didn't leave me feeling so unattractive. I don't feel like me in so many ways and yet I still want him to see me as me and not just "woman who needs help".

I am wholly unreasonable. Which is why I didn't post in AIBU.

WantYouToWantMe Sun 09-Nov-14 09:52:58

Xpost 1981, that's it really smile I think I had hoped that he would see me differently all dressed up. That he'd see me again.

I have brought this up several times in the past few weeks. Saying that I want out sex life to continue, in whatever form that needs to be. He agrees at the time.

I just think that where words aren't translating into action, he doesn't actually want to. And I want him to want to! But I don't want him to do anything he's not comfortable with. So I need to find a way to not let this get to me.

NoMarymary Sun 09-Nov-14 10:29:47

You've been together 3 years, you have had a child and are expecting another. This is an awful lot to pack into 3 years and you are both struggling to see each other as you really are. One minute you are the elegant competent wife, then the sexy first time pregnant wife, then mother to a baby with all the difficulties and joys, then pregnant again, then the almost invalid (SPDis so painful I know), feeling down and overwhelmed and looking to him for reassurance. He's bouncing from his role of husband, provider, lover, father, carer and is probably just as confused as you. He's trying to reassure you but is unsure the right way to go.

You know he loves you! you know he cares. He's trying to give you what you are asking but what he is seeing (you in pain and struggling) is overwhelming his sexual feeling towards you. Can I just say it doesn't matter how he expresses his love for you (sexually or caring) he loves you!. In a few months time this will all be a distant memory and you will see again how much he loves you in the way you want. In the meantime he seems more comfortable with cuddles and affection especially as SPD tends to get worse until after the baby is born and sex with SPD can be uncomfortable. It will get better as you know deep down and that is where you should focus. Pain can make you mildly depressed so take as much help as is offered.

WantYouToWantMe Sun 09-Nov-14 11:41:03

I know. I do. I am loved and so very lucky.

We were friends for years before getting together, and dcs were very much a "now or never" thing which we both very much want.

It's me that needs to adjust to not being desired, to being (temporarily) someone he cares for, not more, because I don't think he can flip from one to the other.

I don't know how to go about accepting that the man I desire can't see me like that right now. The pain does make me feel low, but I feel like I could cope with it if I was a whole person. But I'm not. I'm the invalid. I need to adjust to get through this bit. I just don't know how to do that. I'm struggling with having any kind of identity beyond "blob".

I dress myself (with difficulty). Last night I asked dh to undress me. I meant sensually. He undressed me. Then said he needed to hang out some washing and go to the loo.

Undressing me became a chore on a list alongside washing and ablutions.

I don't want my body to be a chore. I feel very stupid.

WantYouToWantMe Sun 09-Nov-14 11:56:34

I realise a dh that prioritises hanging the washing over sex might be the ideal for some grin

BettyNettle Sun 09-Nov-14 12:30:53

You have really high expectations and that is a good thing!

Remember that you are 32 weeks pregnant though and you won't be incapacitated forever... I think you got it nailed: you need to adjust to your new temporary situation as sucky as it is.

I think it may be good if you focus on how to make YOURSELF happier and more content, be it with a relaxing bath or something you have been wanting to read for a long time, chat with good friends, the usual I guess.

You are also being just a tiny bit precious if I may say so, stomping your feet and demanding being desired. But again, that brings me to my first sentence again.

NamesNick Sun 09-Nov-14 12:49:08

you meant undress you sensually. did he know this?

perhaps he is very aware of putting pressure on you and is giving you space?

think you need to spell it out.

WantYouToWantMe Sun 09-Nov-14 14:01:51

Betty, I didn't always. I learnt the hard way. Thank you for your gentle chastising smile

Nick, really stupidly no he didn't realise this, and I didn't realise that he didn't realise until he got up and left to go and do the other things that needed doing.

I still thought he was just trying to clear the decks before bed at that point. It was only when he came back in the room that the penny dropped really. I asked him at that point and he apologised for misunderstanding.

I want him to want me. He doesn't want me at the moment. I don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to do, ever. So I need to get over it. My ego is almost non-existent at the moment and I'm finding this knock harder to take.

Rationally, he shows me he loves me in everything he does. Emotionally I feel downgraded from wife to burden. Selfishly, my sex life was one thing I could still do in some form and being in constant physical pain made the physical pleasure of it all the more important. It also made me feel equal not burdensome. This we could share.

I hope I'm explaining myself.

There aren't any solutions are there? This is a "get over it", "suck it up" situation.

NoMarymary Sun 09-Nov-14 15:07:32

I think it is. I also think you are projecting your own physical discomfort onto a situation that is really in your imagination. I'm sure DH finds you just as attractive and desirable as you want him to it's just that seeing someone you love in pain and unhappy takes away desire and replaces it with distress for the loved one. Pain is not a great aphrodisiac neither is distress for a LO. Try not to be too wrapped up in yourself, he is suffering too.

You need to talk and be more open with one another. You both need reassurance from the other that this will all end and a more normal life restart. You can be sure it will because he has proved how much he loves you. Don't make him feel bad about something he can't help at the moment, any more than you can help the SPD. It will end in a few weeks.

muddylettuce Sun 09-Nov-14 15:25:55

I think you are probably projecting how you feel onto him. You feel like a burden because you cannot physically do what you would usually do. I take it he hasn't said you're a burden? He is probably exhausted himself if he is picking up the slack at home and working. To be honest, he sounds wonderful and caring and I expect once you've given birth and feel up to it again your sex life will resume. As someone else said, concentrate on yourself, you can be intimite without it being sexual maybe focus on that for the time being. Did you have spd with your first? I found sex really painful when I had spd. X

WantYouToWantMe Sun 09-Nov-14 18:21:42

Thank you for all your replies.

Actual PIV sex is down to one possible position and a lot of pillows. It's not always possible, but other things are.

You're right that dh has never and would never call me a burden. It is how I feel.

I am trying hard not to make him feel bad because he's done nothing wrong. But I don't want to keep being told he wants me when he doesn't. I can understand that he doesn't and why and that it's not forever, and that that doesn't mean he doesn't find me attractive, but right now he doesn't want to act on that. I just don't want to be reassured that he does want me, and hope that he will respond or make a move, only to feel rejected.

We had a talk earlier. I think it went well. I hope it did.

I am hormonal, I do feel unattractive and unwanted and I accept that those are my issues. I just need a bit of time to come to terms with them.

I've told him I want him to take one evening a week to himself. To leave the house and go and do something. Just because I'm stuck doesn't mean he should be.

I am feeling very low. But that's not for him to fix.

Twinklestein Sun 09-Nov-14 18:26:33

It's not going to be for very long.

Do you have an identity other than wife and mother?

It does all sound rather self-indulgent...

WantYouToWantMe Sun 09-Nov-14 18:38:16

Twinkle, normally? Yes. Currently? No. I can't even leave the house alone because I can't carry ds and accoutrements. I am in constant pain. It took me so sodding long to dress up for last night, you'd laugh.

I think I had it in my head that making the effort would make me more me again. It didn't. Hurray! I'm an idiot. A self indulgent, sobbing, whinging, idiot at that.

Twinklestein Sun 09-Nov-14 18:47:45

I can see how it's happened given that you're 32 weeks pregnant with SPD, but you seem to be entirely focused on your husband finding you attractive at this point, and it's not healthy.

Rather than dressing up and desperately asking him to want you, why not just step back and give yourself a break? You're heavily pregnant with pregnancy-related pain condition, just allow yourself where you are right now, about to give birth to a new life. It's not the time to be worrying about desire. If you find yourself obsessing over it, then distract yourself.

The baby will be out soon and your body will become your own again.

WantYouToWantMe Sun 09-Nov-14 19:19:17

I disagree that I'm peculiar in wanting to maintain a sexual relationship with my dh throughout pregnancy. I'm not talking about jumping him five times a night, just occasionally being intimate.

I didn't beg him to want me, I just tried to initiate sex. We had discussed things in the last few weeks and he had assured me that he still desired me and that we were on the same page. I'm disappointed that that hasn't translated into anything happening, and rather than him saying, "actually I love you and find you attractive, but with all this going on I find it hard to switch to seeing you as a sexual being" back when we talked about it, he said he wanted what I wanted.

I can understand why, and he certainly wants to want what I want (if that makes sense). I don't blame him. That doesn't mean I'm not disappointed.

WantYouToWantMe Mon 10-Nov-14 05:48:05

Dh came to me last night and said he has no sex drive, worries it won't ever come back, and that it's a sign of the end of us.

I don't know if there are more revelations to come.

It's all going to shit sad

He's unsure.

Forget this thread. Turns out it's a symptom not the problem.

Thanks for the advice sad doesn't look like birth is going to solve it all now.

I don't want to cry anymore.

ArsenicSoup Mon 10-Nov-14 06:06:58

It's stress. You've packed a lot into three years as a PP said and are both currently living under strain.

Neither of you like your current roles. You are both trying to do your best. Your nerves are frayed.

Stay calm. You will both feel much better in a few short weeks. This is not the time for big decisions flowers

WantYouToWantMe Mon 10-Nov-14 06:17:33

It's ok. I have no decisions to make. He's the one deciding. I've told him I'll cope and he can take time away and do nothing.

He's said he regrets the decision to have another.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 10-Nov-14 06:18:52

want - My God. What a horrendous shock.

Was this said in the heat of an argument? Even so, it's a terrible thing to say.what does he propose happens now?

You need some real life support today I hope you have someone that can come round, help you and you can confide in.


ArsenicSoup Mon 10-Nov-14 06:21:06

He's probably panicking. And worried about you. And maybe the responsibility?

It'll pass.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 10-Nov-14 06:22:28

want - it sounds like he is very stressed with how unwell you have been in this pregnancy.

Whilst that doesn't excuse what he is saying, it might explain it.

Agree with arsenic - this is not the time for big decisions but you do need some RL support. This has been a horrible shock. Plus, I would say, an emergency counselling appointment for both of you. You need to know if there is any truth in this. You can't live your life on tenterhooks

WantYouToWantMe Mon 10-Nov-14 06:22:31

No, not an argument sad just talking.

He's just trying to be honest I think. I hope he doesn't mean it. Pretty sure he loves baby just hates the situation. But i probably should stop assuming anything.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now