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Partner of 3 years went on a "date"

(23 Posts)
secondtime12345 Sat 08-Nov-14 22:41:57

I am 50, and last year I found out my partner - J - had been out with another woman. I was devastated. We spend every other week together as we both have children who go to their other parents. This particular weekend I was meant to go to his place on the Friday, however I texted him early in the day to say I wasn't feeling well and would be over on Saturday. He said are you sure, blah blah blah. Later that night I phoned him at home for a chat, no answer, so I texted him, no answer - which isn't like him. Texted again, then started to get worried so phoned his mobile no answer. Getting frantic now thinking he must have been in an accident. Half an hour later I get a text to say he is out for a drink, would be home soon. Phoned him again at home an hour later, he answered. Turned out he had met his daughters new boyfriends mother a few weeks earlier, she had said to the daughter that she would like to go out for a coffee or drink with J if he wanted to. J got the phone number from his daughter (16). He had originally texted her to go out during the week we weren't together but then texted her on this Friday to say was she free. They met at the pub, he found out within the first half hour he didn't fancy her, but then had to give her a ride home due to "car trouble", then she asked him in for pizza, but he declined. I drove over to his house, mostly to see if she was actually there, and threw all the jewellery and cards he had given me at him saying they didn't mean anything. I was so hurt and upset, the betrayal and deceit even though they didn't kiss or touch he says, and I do believe him on that. Anyway he says he wants a break, well I would have thought that it was obvious I wasn't going to be with him anymore by my actions. Now, my biggest regret is 2 weeks later I was missing him so much I texted him - just "Hi", but I regret making the first move. He phoned me back straight away, was very remorseful and apologetic and said he had been an idiot. Also admitted that if he had liked her he would have broken up with me. After much discussion and me telling him I had to think about it for a couple of weeks, we got back together. Its a year later and it still really hurts. I feel angry at him, angry at his daughter - who had texted him later "How was your date". He knows how I feel and understands. But how do I let it go? How do I stop feeling like a loser that he didn't love enough to be faithful to? How do I look at the daughter without feeling so hurt that she obviously doesn't like me? He has been very good since it happened, very open about where he is and who he is with, and trust is slowly building again. And now the daughter comes home and this woman is getting married again and the daughter is going to be a bridesmaid. Its all she can talk about, when I said how angry it makes me my partner says I should be happy for her, and he was the one who make the mistake, not her. Please tell me what you all think. Thanks

EssexMummy123 Sat 08-Nov-14 22:45:29

so he cheats on you and you want to know how not to be angry about it?

I think you'd be better off finding someone who values you enough not to cheat in the first place.

thenightsky Sat 08-Nov-14 22:46:54

He doesn't seem worth bothering with to be honest. Sounds like the sort of bloke who'd be off chasing 'something better' all the time.

LiviaEmpressoftheUniverse Sat 08-Nov-14 22:49:27

You're fifty. I'm a few years older. Do we have the time and patience in our lives for this crap? Move on.

LadyLuck10 Sat 08-Nov-14 22:50:35

He blatantly cheated on you and you took him back. The issue to fix here is with you and why you don't feel you deserve someone who should be committed to you.

He was basically dating while being in a relationship with you confused.

TheLostPelvicFloorOfPoosh Sat 08-Nov-14 22:54:32

He cheats on you, to see if he likes her more than you, and if he did he would have broken up with you?

What a charmer.

He sounds frightful, and from what you've said you'd be a whole lot better off without him - find someone who is worthy of you thanks

statementtotheedge Sat 08-Nov-14 23:33:18

He sounds like he doesn't deserve you at all

inlectorecumbit Sun 09-Nov-14 00:00:45

no no no
he was obviously on the look out for something "better" he just wasn't that into you.
so are you his "do for now" option till someone else appears on the horizon?
I am not sure that l could let it go, knowing at one point l just wasn't good enough.
The above posters are so right--you do deserve better

Tinks42 Sun 09-Nov-14 01:19:01

The thing here is you text him, he would have probably left it. I wouldnt be angry with the daughter in this, its her dad and she doesnt have any connection really with you other than you being her dads girlfriend and so what really.

The bottom line is, he would have dumped you if he liked the other woman better. After him doing this, you text him and took him back.

I'd dump him and gain back a bit of self worth.

Zazzles007 Sun 09-Nov-14 01:46:18

I'm with everyone else on this - you deserve so much better than a man who goes sniffing around for something better while he is with you, and then freely admits that he would have dumped had he found her attractive. Please find it within you to value yourself more that this twat values you and dump his rotten arse. Then look for a man who truly loves and values you for who you are.

Bogeyface Sun 09-Nov-14 03:12:50

So basically he is only with you because he didnt fancy her? What a wanker!

Dump him, you are worth much more. Being single is far preferable to being someones fall back.

secondtime12345 Sun 09-Nov-14 04:06:59

Yes, I did feel and think all the things you are saying. I guess he convinced me to try again by saying - he didn't know what he had til he lost it, that he was flattered that she liked him, that he was stupid, that he really loved me, and would never do anything like that again. He said he wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives.

Emstheword Sun 09-Nov-14 05:04:18

Unfortunately, I'm sorry as I'm sure it's hard to hear, but you're not 'the one' for him. You don't make him feel like he's the luckiest man alive.....he has settled with you because he hasn't managed to attract anyone who makes him feel like that. You really do deserve better...you deserve to be someone's everything, not their something. How do you really feel about him? Is he really the love of your life or do you feel you're settling too?

mathanxiety Sun 09-Nov-14 05:15:07

Any idea what happened in his previous relationship?

secondtime12345 Sun 09-Nov-14 06:06:33

Yes, I do love him very much, wouldn't have tried again otherwise. He was married for 20 years, his ex cheated with an old boyfriend for a couple of years and is still with him today. My partner left when he found out. He briefly dated 2 women before me.

Rinkydinkypink Sun 09-Nov-14 06:19:29

I'm sorry op but he sounds horrible. He treats you terribly. You may love him but her certainly doesn't deserve you.

thanks

daisychain01 Sun 09-Nov-14 06:22:26

You can add double standards to his list of fine attributes. He wasn't prepared to put up with his partner cheating on him, but was quite happy to convince you to take him back.

Not only that, but his 16 YO daughter was complicit in helping set him up for a date, even when she knew he was already in a "committed" massive inverted commas relationship. So he has probably passed the behaviour on to the next generation grin

daisychain01 Sun 09-Nov-14 06:23:12

Sorry that was meant to be sad - it is, very....

Emstheword Sun 09-Nov-14 06:30:54

In that case it sounds like you have a big decision to make. Either stay in the relationship and see how long he'll stay around (could be a long time if he doesn't attract someone he likes more sooner), this delaying hurt or possible (but unlikely) avoiding it altogether OR go through the hurt now, thus giving you the time and opportunity to meet someone who loves you back as much as you love them. The first option unfortunately will be accompanied by a little hurt in the back of your mind everyday knowing if he had the chance, he'd be off and all the self esteem issues that will inevitably stir up. The second option will be awful for a few months whilst your heart heals, but a lifetime of happiness is a real possibility. If you can find the strength within you, the second option is surely a no brainer? I know how hard this must be though and wish you the very best of luck in your decision. Please let us know what you decide, either way you'll need some MN hugs and support thanks

magoria Sun 09-Nov-14 11:22:06

You are not Miss Right for him.

You are Miss Right Now.

As soon as Miss Right appears (and he is looking for her) you will be kicked to the kerb. He will dump you as soon as something better appears.

You deserve better.

Sickoffrozen Sun 09-Nov-14 12:09:27

If you want to be with him then you have to learn how to deal with these feelings and try to move on from last year. This was a year ago, you said he has been good since then so maybe he did realise that he really did have the one he wanted all along. You had the chance to walk away then but didn't so not point carrying the resentment around If you really do want it to work. As for the daughter, she was young and probably had a perfect idea of him and her boyfriends mother getting together and everyone living happily ever after.

He did behave badly though and I would have personally ended it at that point.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Sun 09-Nov-14 12:17:48

Sorry to be harsh - but you'll do for now until he thinks someone 'better' is interested in him. He's basically admitted that - "if he liked her he would have broken up with me". What a prince.

He wasn't sorry really, was he? He couldn't even be arsed to call or text you - you had to make the first move.

Your self esteem must be absolutely battered to put up with this. Maybe you should concentrate your energy on building that up and you might find your feelings towards this loser become much clearer.

WildBillfemale Sun 09-Nov-14 12:21:06

He's sniffing out other options so maybe you need to reassess whether you want to hang around until he finds someone to ditch you for.

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