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What do you do if you're in love with someone...

(38 Posts)
Ilovetomodell Sat 08-Nov-14 22:28:40

I fell in love with someone I worked with, pretty much the second or third time I met him, all of a sudden my heart was pounding, I couldn't speak - I had to sit down because my legs were shaking! Anyway we worked together and got on really well and before I really realised we were emailing each other all the time and he was the closest person to me. At the time I was married. I had known for about 6 years beforehand that I didn't really want to be with my husband, I had given him ultimatums to change or I would leave but nothing had come of it. When I met this man it gave me the strength to leave, not for him, because as youve already probably guessed he was married too, but because it made me realise that I wanted to care for someone again, I didn't want to be the unhappy person I was in my marriage.

So I left. At the same time my friend separated from his wife, and we got together. I was so happy and for a moment thought we had a chance of a normal happy relationship. But it was short lived he went back to his wife, he says because they have very young children. Since then we have kept in touch, but I have been on my own for what seems a long time. I have tried Internet dating but hated it. The truth is I still love him and no one else compares. We still work for the same company but I am thinking of leaving. He wants to be friends but I'm not sure if I can, and everyday I think of him and miss him. I don't know what to do.

Smartiepants79 Sat 08-Nov-14 22:34:49

He should not still be in contact with you. Does his wife know he is still speaking to you?
I think you know this is probably not going to end well.
You can't be friends that is ridiculous. You left your marriages for each other.
He has chosen to go back. He wants his cake and to eat it!
In order to have any chance of moving on and finding someone else you need no contact at all. Stop talking to him, emailing him and ignore all contact.
Unless he actually leaves his family, you are the other woman. Not a good place to be. Get out now.

Smartiepants79 Sat 08-Nov-14 22:35:42

And , yes, start looking for a new job.

AuntieStella Sat 08-Nov-14 22:38:18

I agree that looking for a new job would be a good thing. A fresh start.

LiviaEmpressoftheUniverse Sat 08-Nov-14 22:51:39

I can tell you, from experience, that the best thing you can do is get out there and find another man. I thought I'd never get over last year's debacle - he made such a mess of my life. But now he's a thing of the past....

SirChenjin Sat 08-Nov-14 22:59:35

Look for another job asap, and give yourself time - you obviously love this man a lot, and it will no doubt take a long time before you fully get over him. In order to do that, providing you really want to, you need to move forward - as many new things are possible. As well as changing jobs, can you move? Change house? Take up new interests? And YY to cutting all contact - if you leave the door open even slightly he'll be back whenever he's had a tiff with his wife, and will reopen all the old feelings, leaving you in a mess again when he goes back to her (which he will probably do).

Ilovetomodell Sat 08-Nov-14 23:38:10

You are right I should not have any contact with him. I have tried, and got to afew weeks with no contact,but eventually he contacts me and I don't have the strength to ignore him. I honestly don't know what he gets out of it.

I have tried the ' get over a man by getting under another one' theory, but it just doesn't happen, my hearts not in it. I have moved - I left the family home when I left my husband, but I agree a new job is the next best thing to do. I guess the hardest thing is that I can't believe he doesn't feel the same way about me and so I don't understand why he wants to stay married. When I contact him he replies within literally afew minutes, And I know he would do anything for me if I asked.

SelfLoathing Sat 08-Nov-14 23:52:36

I fell in love with someone I worked with, pretty much the second or third time I met him, all of a sudden my heart was pounding, I couldn't speak - I had to sit down because my legs were shaking!

This isn't love. It is unusually intense lust.

Daisychain5 Sat 08-Nov-14 23:59:20

'And I know he would do anything for me if I asked'......anything that is, unless its leaving his wife. Been there, read the book, got the T-shirt...get out now, for your own sake.

Waimaz Sun 09-Nov-14 02:47:53

He would do anything for you? Maybe, but definately wont leave his wife for you. I know from experience xx

AdoraBell Sun 09-Nov-14 03:44:41

If he would do anything for you, would he leave you alone so that you can move on without him tugging at your heart strings?

Change jobs, look into starting a hobby of some kind, forgot about dating- internet or otherwise- for a while.

NoArmaniNoPunani Sun 09-Nov-14 03:53:31

Your description of falling in love sounds more like a panic attack

BOFster Sun 09-Nov-14 04:28:38

I honestly don't know what he gets out of it.

It sounds to me like he is getting rather a lot out of it. He gets the ego boost of knowing he has you at the end of a string. He also gets to maintain his self-image of himself as A Good Man who made the honourable choice to return to his comfortable family life, while avoiding the frightening possibility of invoking your rage and tears as a woman scorned. The weak deluded sod is actually frantically spinning plates by casually reassuring himself you won't kick off and make him look/feel bad by dropping you the occasional chatty message. You are kept quiet and compliant, and as a side effect, you make him feel like a bit of a catch, thus boosting his self-esteem during times when he feels his wife's periodic disappointment in him as a human being. The pretence at friendship means he gets to still see himself as actually a little bit noble , rather than a silly, faithless and rather average stereotype of a man who got bored in his marriage.

You can either burst his bubble by refusing to let him off the hook, and let him see your hurt, with all the attendant awkwardness at work; OR you can salvage some dignity and move on.

This will mean letting go of your own delusions though, and admitting this wasn't true love, but a lustful cry from your unhappiness. Put it away as a misguided adventure, and build a new life for yourself. You are doing yourself no favours by maintaining the illusion this was your One Great Passion. Ditch it, and let yourself be honest and happy.

Horsemad Sun 09-Nov-14 08:34:50

He'd do anything for you... except leave his wife.

He's having his cake and eating it, OP.

LoveBeingStartingANewLife Sun 09-Nov-14 09:24:50

He likes knowing you are still there when he need an ego boast.

Get a new job and tell him to leave you alone

SirChenjin Sun 09-Nov-14 10:30:28

OP - you've got to really really want to move on. If you are just playing lip service to the idea in the hope that he'll leave his wife at some point, then you'll never be rid of him and you'll never move forward. The months will turn into years, and you'll find yourself taking the scraps from his table in 10 years time. It's no way to live.

Ilovetomodell Sun 09-Nov-14 10:50:48

You're all right. He gets an ego boost out of it which is difficult for me to understand. And I guess abit of flirty chat when he,s bored...

What do I get out of it. Nothing but pain, the thought of him sleeping with his wife brings tears to my eyes.

I think I'm moving on because I go on dates but it actually has to happen in my head. I don't want to be here this time next year.

NoMarymary Sun 09-Nov-14 10:57:41

And I know he would do anything for me if I asked

Well no he won't as he won't leave his wife.

He's made his choice and you have to learn to accept that and move on.

I agree it strokes his ego to have you desperately in love with him, so put a stop to it and change jobs.

Falling in love with a married man is a risky business and the OW often comes off worse. You knew he was married and took the risk and lost.

Don't contact him, change jobs and forget him. You are just making yourself miserable, infatuation is painful but fades if you don't feed it.

SavoyCabbage Sun 09-Nov-14 11:01:38

You need to end the contact with him. It's doing you no good at all.

He's viewing it as a nice little boost to his week, like having a macaroon with his Friday coffee and you are viewing it as a love story. That the two of you are bound together with a love that dare not speak its name.

I've had a relationship with someone who took my breath away. That I could hardly look at without wanting to consume. But it was lust. And I didn't marry him and I'm glad I didn't.

lemisscared Sun 09-Nov-14 11:04:04

He is married with young children. Leave him alone. Get a new job and grow up.

ChippingInAutumnLover Sun 09-Nov-14 11:07:21

He cheated on his wife, he's still cheating on his wife emotionally. He's married with small children, he's cheating on his whole family. He choose her & his family over you. Even if he did leave her would you actually, really, want to be with someone who has done that? Do you really think you're so special he wouldn't do the same to you?

littlesongbird Sun 09-Nov-14 12:38:01

I met and fell in love with someone very quickly. I was in the process of leaving a relationship, meeting him speeded up the process.

We started seeing each other, he then briefly left his wife, but went back because he missed his DC, was fearful she would not let him see them regularly if he left, and as to how he'd manage financially (she was the main breadwinner). We continued to see each other but eventually it fizzled out, I moved and changed my phone no, though had he wanted to he could still have contacted me through mutual friends.

I found it very hard. He was the first man I ever really loved (even though I was in my 30s when we met I'd had a lot of awful relationships!). I spent years trying to get over him. Dating other people, trying (unsuccessfully) to form relationships.

It took me over 5 years but eventually I did meet someone I feel even more strongly about. Who was single. And who makes me far happier than I ever thought possible.

It will happen, but it takes time, even once you stop any contact.

Fwiw, according to mutual friends, my Ex is still unhappy, but has done nothing to change/improve his situation (he could, but hasn't), and still asks after me. I can see if I'd let things carry on, we'd still be stuck in the same awful situation. Because although I know he did love me, he was weak, and wouldn't DO anything about it. I'm so much better off now.

Ilovetomodell Sun 09-Nov-14 17:32:15

Thankyou little sunbird for your story that gives me hope I can move on.

Chippinginautumnlover - yes I did think I was special, I thought he felt the same as me, but I certainly don't feel special anymore....

I've been looking today and found another job I can apply for, and now I know what I need to do - just ignore him completely, but that is going to be really hard, it feels mean.

GoatsDoRoam Sun 09-Nov-14 17:41:55

It feels "mean"?

Him dangling you on a string with chatty/flirty texts after he left you is bloody shoddy behaviour!

Cutting contact is essential to regaining your headspace and moving on from this man. Absolutely essential. And healthy. Look at it that way.

Tinks42 Sun 09-Nov-14 17:42:11

Stop it! stop beating yourself up!

Yes, look for another job
Cut all contact
Stop obsessing
Start doing things just for you and start valuing yourself

There is no such thing as a soul mate. There are plenty of suitable people out there.

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