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Is online dating just full of twats?

(52 Posts)
modernstick Sat 08-Nov-14 21:28:41

I am very new to online dating having only just registered on one of the well known subscription paying ones on Wednesday.

To be honest so far I've found it all abit depressing.

Had a wink from someone in Ireland (I'm based in England) who private messaged me explaining he doesn't have any profile pictures up because he wants to be discreet but would be happy to email them to me. Said he travels alot in this country for work and wanted to meet a someone special over here. To me it screamed of HE'S MARRIED.

Got another message off some bloke who was all woe is me, 'why do women always mess me around...blah blah'.

Another one gave me his number immediately and badgered me to ring him. Keeps sending me winks despite the fact I have ignored him.

I had been chatting online with a guy who did seem quite nice. We seemed to have a lot in common, he had a nice photo etc. Thought oooh he might be a 'normal' amongst all the others. Thought he could have potential for meeting up in real life for a coffee and a chat. Anyhow, got a message tonight from him basically saying that he was on his way home from the cinema and implied that by 'home' he meant MY HOME! shock confused hmm I sent him the most unimpressed emoticon I could find to which he replied 'What?' (as if he didn't know?!).

Anyway, am already finding it all very disappointing. Have paid for a 6 month subscription because it turned out to be the cheapest option so still have loads of time to use it. Is this really what there is to expect most of the time with OLD?

MadeMan Sat 08-Nov-14 21:34:16

You've only been on a few days so give it time; but yes, there probably will be some jokers on there.

Only1scoop Sat 08-Nov-14 21:38:54

Op it's years since I did any but I would say you have it weighed up....

No picture ....married or dodgy....I know others will beg to differ but IMO it screams it....

The ones who have pics of their 6 pack etcblush vile....far to over familiar....

The 'look at me with my sports car....skiing....drinking....with random celebs" always scream full of themselves....

I used to only respond to a proper email....not just a winkwink

Email back and forth over a few days

Speak to them and 'call screen' on the actual phone....you can tell loads from a 10 minute chat....

First 'date' coffee or quick early drink....

Saves you sitting through 3 courses with anyone who is a no go.

And do remember they always add 2 inches on their height and the photos are generally 'enhanced' blush

Enjoy grin

doitall123 Sat 08-Nov-14 21:44:06

I've met my best friends by on line dating. I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found them though. But the good ones I've met have helped my business, and helped my life enormously. Best advice I can give is chat with them for a long time before you decide to meet them.

badtime Sat 08-Nov-14 21:46:50

I didn't have any real negative experiences, other than the occasional cock picture.

I met several nice guys that I had no spark with and my fiance. I know several people who met their spouses on various websites (mostly free ones, though).

I had to have a couple of goes at it. The first time I tried it, I lasted about a week before running away terrified. I came back a couple of months later and was much more discerning about who I would and wouldn't talk to or meet.

Basically, you have to remember that this is the equivalent of meeting random people at a pub or something. You wouldn't expect everyone there to be of interest. Online dating gives you a larger pool of people you wouldn't want to date as well as people you would.

SelfLoathing Sat 08-Nov-14 21:54:18

From a woman's perspective, basically yes. It's a needle in a haystack job. I'd say 80 - 90% utter twats including a lot of married men and men who are very negative towards women (look out for profiles that actually say things like "if you don't look like your picture, I will walk out if we meet up" and "I am tired of gold diggers so will not pay for drinks on a first date").

From a man's perspective, no. It's a shagadelic candy store of fun.

beaglesaresweet Sat 08-Nov-14 23:22:52

SelfLoathing, but surely knowing that, women shouldn't wouldn't shag men from the sites immediately? these are not casual sex sites after all.

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir Sat 08-Nov-14 23:27:54

My lying cheating bastard is on one, and oh my god he is selling himself as an honest person who wants to settle down and get married. I could go on for hours.

Seeing what he has put, has made me think twice about even thinking about talking to anyone on there. I'm totally not ready yet anyhow but it has scared me off a bit.

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir Sat 08-Nov-14 23:28:23

sorry that was meant to say LCB ex!

SelfLoathing Sat 08-Nov-14 23:44:48

but surely knowing that, women shouldn't wouldn't shag men from the sites immediately? these are not casual sex sites after all.

I'm afraid a lot of men on them treat them like casual sex sites - even some of the paying sites.

Men aren't stupid. They know a lot of women need a few dates before they put out - to put it bluntly. Most men in it for sex will be taking out several women in rotation.

GreatAuntDinah Sun 09-Nov-14 09:45:40

I met my DH online dating. He's not a twat. I did encounter several knobheads before I met him though. You have to sort the wheat from the chaff and boy is there a lot of chaff out there.

LividofLondon Sun 09-Nov-14 10:15:46

It's a numbers game; as others have said, you have to wade through a lot of chaff to get the the wheat. But there are nice men on OD sites so it's worth developing a thick skin, being really strict, and making full use of the "block" button!

From what I've read on MN it doesn't seem as though paid sites are better than free, although some of the free ones are more for casual hook-up than relationships from what I gather, so I wouldn't bother parting with cash.

My advice would be to give it a fair amount of time, be proactive and contact those who catch your eye, and have a phone chat with them ASAP. Don't get drawn into lengthy emailing or texting because you can't gauge chemistry except in the flesh. Make the initial meetup short and relaxed, so a lunchtime coffee rather than dinner out.

53Dragon Sun 09-Nov-14 10:29:37

I'm assuming you're on Match... I did 6 months recently and this is what I learned:

Tell the ones with no photo that you're assuming they're married.

Many apparently 'live' profiles are people who haven't renewed their subscription but didn't ask for it to be removed, so don't go to the trouble of writing lengthy emails as a first contact.

Always reply if someone contacts you but be honest if you don't want further contact.

Some men are shy so don't ignore the winks if they sound nice, but be brief with your reply.

You'll learn far more from a phone call than twenty emails, so if you like what you hear then be bold and suggest a call.

Many people keep a separate pay as you go mobile for internet dating contacts so that a nutter would be easier to cut ties with.

Yes - anyone under 6 foot has added 2 inches to their height.

I went out with about 20 people - only one a bit dodgy and have stayed in touch with 2 as friends and have occasional contact with another 2.

Lots of guys in their 20's and 30's want to meet up with a 53 year old dragon which seems pretty weird to me - I politely declined wink
Good luck - most of the nice men on match are just as worried about internet dating as you are! smile

Pinkfrocks Sun 09-Nov-14 10:37:47

To answer the question- no it isn't.

I'm a woman but my brother has done OD. He has found the same as you some of the time- being contacted by women who are way outside his profile preferences ( including women with young children -which he doesn't want at 50- and too far away). He's been disappointed- a couple of short term relationships via OD- 3-6 months- ended not through his choice. He goes through periods of being completely fed up with it and ending his subscription to trying again.

You've got to keep trying. I've a friend who is now happily settled with a lovely guy met on Match though the weekend they met she'd also seen 3 others for a quick coffee- keep all options open- and had a couple of long relationship via Match that didn't work out. But she got back on the horse, so to speak.

Lower your expectations a bit- not of what you want, but how it is a game and it's all about numbers.

Guin1 Sun 09-Nov-14 15:14:44

I haven't done any OLD since 2007, but my experience back then was that it was no worse than any other way of meeting new blokes. I was on a site for about a year, was fairly open to meeting up with guys whose profile matched mine but also turned down any whose profile clearly didn't.

Most 'first dates' were coffee, cake and chat. And were a nice way to spend an hour or two - you get very good at how to do small talk with people you don't know, which is actually not a bad skill to have. Very few went to a second date - one or both of us decided 'thanks but no thanks'.

But then after meeting about 20 guys, I met the one who is now DH and we are expecting our second child next year. So I can say that OLD success is possible but it may take some time...

Alwaysrushingaround Sun 09-Nov-14 16:30:25

I definetly think it's worthwhile meeting up sooner rather than later and also what pps have said re a phone call...
I'm on it now ( 1 free site and 1 subscription )
Keep your options open and your standards high and trust your gut..
Says me who is still single!!!

knittingdad Sun 09-Nov-14 16:36:06

Online dating is full of twats, yes, but then so is real-life, unfortunately.

Lots of people find someone to share an enjoyable lifetime with - including my wife and I - but there were a massive number of twats in amongst that. From what I have heard women have it worse than men by a long way on these sites, because they get vast numbers of messages from men who are trying it on. And sadly some of these men get very upset if rejected.

Suppose you spend five annoying months mostly dealing with twats, the odd promising interaction which doesn't go anywhere, but then you meet someone fantastic. Five years down the line those frustrating five months are going to have faded to very little in the grand scheme of things.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 09-Nov-14 16:46:59

No, it's not full of twats. No more than in RL tbh. I enjoyed it.

Go in with three things:
1. an open mind
2. a thick skin
3. A sense of humour

Have fun!

exWifebeginsat40 Sun 09-Nov-14 16:59:35

met my current boyfriend online. admittedly, he lied about speaking French and he is a shortarse, but he's awesome.

there are, however, many VERY strange men out there and i did have to kiss a couple of frogs...

cantbelievemyeyes Sun 09-Nov-14 17:25:14

Nope, not full of twats. Like real life on steroids- some people are horrible, some lovely, most of no interest to you at all either way.

I met my husband on Match. I chatted with a few men and it was a mixed bag. Had a couple of dates, think husband was the 3rd person I met. My approach was simple- if someone's profile sounded nice enough and I wasn't physically repulsed by the picture, I'd chat online a bit then meet up if I hadn't been put off. Hate talking on the phone to strangers at the best of times so that wouldn't work for me.

Husband's profile sounded a bit dull, and I didn't find him particularly attractive either from his picture or on our first date. But he seemed nice company, worth meeting again, and he really was. Been together 4 years, married for 2. It was definitely worth enduring some cock pictures and mildly awkward dates.

Tinks42 Sun 09-Nov-14 17:31:09

I on-line date and have done for years - probably 15 years. I started when you sent a message, never knew if they were on-line or not and received one back within a few days smile

Over these years I have met some fantastic men and had long term relationships from it.

Of course there is a lot of everything you could imagine on there. It's up to you to weed out/decide who to date or not. No different from meeting someone in a bar etc.

Let's face it, it's a fantastic way to meet men from the comfort of your own home.

daisychain01 Sun 09-Nov-14 22:37:42

Never had a single cock photo, not one.

Have blokes become more gross since 2006? That was when I did OLD.

Christelle2207 Sun 09-Nov-14 22:44:06

Not all twats. I met my dh online, but again kissed a lot of frogs first. I think you're very new to the game and in time will figure out how best to make it work for you. It took me 6 months hardcore dating (met about 40) to meet my ex then a few years later only a couple of weeks to meet dh.
There are a lot of twats yes esp on match.com. But there are good ones too, promise.

KouignAmann Mon 10-Nov-14 11:59:18

I met my DP on POF after trying a couple of paying sites. I got the impression that in rural areas like mine there aren't enough subscribers to be worth the cost. The men were either miles away or had nothing in common with me. POF was busier but full of nutters and angry men. DP is in the nutter category grin we are very happy after 3 years together. Good luck

Stupidhead Mon 10-Nov-14 12:19:19

Pof was (for me) full of shaved head men with tribal tattoos (love tatts, hate tribals), usually on holiday either kissing a dolphin or hugging a cocktail. Or no photo - married. Or one small photo - usually cock pic senders.

Had a date with a guy who said he was 5'8", im 5' 7". He must have been 5'4" tops. With shoes.

Had a date with another guy who's photo was 20 yrs earlier. He started to pull up my mums address and details after one drink - to ask her to babysit while he whisked me away to Spain, eh wtf? Blocked his number on my way home after he kept texting we were made for each other.

Met a personal trainer - v hot, he went missing for a week and it turned out he had a HUGE coke and prostitute habit. Told him to clean up and call me in a year. He did call after a year, I ignored.

I spent a year on and off OD and got 6 cock pics.

Joined OKC, DP messaged me after 3 days and reader, 4 years on, she's going to marry him.

Just enjoy OD, don't expect the next big thing, use it to fill dull weekends and treat each new date as an adventure. Don't judge new potentials on previous bad date experiences.

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