Is this normal 'protection' or is it control?

[Whitecup]

I'm so confused and could really do with some impartial advice! My dh has always been very controlling financially and emotionally but things seem to have got so much worse lately. I was a sahm for 4 years. He gave me money each month but it was nowhere near enough to support 2dcs. Without going too much into it he'd give me £200 a month and I'd be expected to do all the food shopping, insure and run my car and buy clothes for the children. He would give me extra but I would have to ask and explain why and make it difficult. He is a high earner (six figure salary) but said this is all he could afford to give me I knew it wasn't but I was grateful he provided us with such a wonderful home and comfortable life. I decided I couldn't take it anymore, that I needed to break the cycle and started back at work about 8 months ago and since he's been a nightmare. He's told me that the dcs are suffering (I work school hours and drop them off and do pick up every night), for the first time ever I asked dh if he could pick the Dcs up from school so I could go to a meeting. Now he's saying I'm jepodising his career and everything that enables us our lifestyle and that he's going to have to leave his job. He keeps telling me that the dcs are ill and need a day off school so I have to take time off work (I haven't because they are fine but he makes me feel dreadful). Now he's asked me if I'm having an affair with someone at work. I've found myself lying to avoid being questioned. I don't know what to do- I feel like I'm going insane. He's away all the time with work. This month he's been away 3 weeks but every weekend he's gone out for a day with his friends. I feel like such a mug but every time I tell him he's been desperately unfair he says it's me and how lucky I am to have what I have. I'm so confused am I really just ungrateful??? I'm so tempted to give up my job but I couldn't bear to go back to having no money and no independence. He says he knows he's controlling but that he wants to protect me. How do I change this?

[FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle]

How do you change it?

You get rid of him. And find your independence. And get yourself chasing him via CSA or whatever they're called for every penny your kids are entitled to.

Read back what you've written - what would you tell a friend? He's an arse.

[Humansatnav]

This is abuse. Get support. He is a twat.

[Mostlyjustaluker]

I think you know the answer. You even say your post that he has always been financially and emotionally controlling.

[AnyFucker]

He will never accept he is being unfair and he is Grade A abuser

Don't try to "manage" this...start investigating how to exit your marriage with the best financial outcome for yourself and dc as possible

See a solicitor ASAP

[LadyLuck10]

Do not leave the job. Don't.
What you need to do is leave this abusive man. Leave the abusive man.

[RandomMess]

Yep it's abuse through and through. Time to file for divorce.

[Joysmum]

This is abuse on so many levels.

In contrast to you, we have a 6 figure income between us and equal claim to disposable income. I've never been short of cash as a SAHM and am only retraining to go back to work because I want to. It'll make DH's life harder as he'll need to do more to pick up slack but he supports whatever I want. That's very different to your situation.

[minklundy]

Ltb. Get maintenance.

There is nothing in your op that suggests the two of you have anything other than a financial rs and it is a financial arrangement he is using to control you. He has been right royally taking the piss while you were sahm.

it will get worse.

Well done for getting back into working.

[Whitecup]

Everyone says he's so lovely. My family think he's amazing. He is a fabulous dad when he's here I just can't help but feel if everyone else thinks he's so wonderful that it's not just me.

[FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle]

Everybody else isn't living with him.

They aren't seeing the real him.

[MrsHathaway]

£200/month for groceries is what people budget for who are on a quarter of his salary, and that's without clothes and car.

Even an au pair would cost him more than that, and she wouldn't provide nearly as much childcare.

He resents your having a life. He doesn't like your seeing other adults because they'll show you how normal lives go on.

What does he think he's protecting you from? If he is serious then he has some major anxiety issues.

[Whitecup]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I think you're right I think I do know I just feel so confused I don't want to split my family up

[Vivacia]

Everyone else isn't subject to his controlling behaviour. Don't mistake charm for kindness.

It's not you, it's him. You're not lucky, you're being abused. He's not protecting you, he's controlling you.

I don't think he's wonderful, it's not just you.

[Humansatnav]

Yes, abusers often charm other people. Do these family members know he is financially abusive to you ?

[Whitecup]

I ran up a credit card bill of about £5k over 3yrs (food, kids, clothes etc). I felt so stupid but I was so fed up of going cap in hand. My mum and grandma found out and paid it off for me because I was so scared he'd find out and leave me. So yes they know.

[Vivacia]

Yet they still think he's amazing?

[lemisscared]

Get away from him.

[Justwhateverreally]

All these people who think he's so wonderful, do they know about the money situation? Of not, tell them. Be open, don't keep his secrets for him.
See what they think of him then. Bet you they're not such fans anymore.

[highkickindandy]

Keep your job. If ever you decide to leave, either now or in the future, some sort of financial independence will be such a good start for you, not just for the money but for the self esteem and social contact outside the marriage and family.

[Whitecup]

I feel so stupid

[AnyFucker]

Feeling "stupid" will keep you there, frozen

Never mind that, take action based on what you know now

[wigglybeezer]

You are trapped in a gilded cage, but it's still a cage.

[SilentAllTheseYears]

He sounds pretty controlling to me :(
I'd leave while you feel like this and not wait for it to get worse. I made the mistake of staying until he'd destroyed me and he decided to leave because I was 'no fun'

[BendyBusBuggy]

Maybe they are being polite and don't want to hurt your feelings? People usually don't say to someone's face what they really think of their partner. You might be surprised how many people know what he is like. And even if they don't, it's about how you feel!
I would tell him how you feel though, before doing something more drastic. Maybe he doesn't know how you feel?

[ImperialBlether]

Just out of interest, what does he do about food when he's at work (but not working away)? How much do you think he spends on himself then?

When he is away, he'll have food/wine etc on expenses, won't he? So every night he'll sit down to a three course meal that's free and every morning he'll have a cooked breakfast, if he wants that, while you and your children, that he claims to love, are skimping and eating food from the cheapest shops.

He is utterly selfish and controlling.